Coming up on a Year


I have almost been out of prison for an entire year, I didn’t realize how institutionalized I was until I started coming out of it.  I was so abrasive and overly compulsive in my routine.  Some of it is bitter sweet, I miss the amount of time that I had to work on my physical and spiritual being in there and I have been neglecting it lately out here.  The positive is that I am more easily able to accomplish things at work without being abrasive or seeing everything as a power struggle (especially since I am not the boss) lol.  I know that I need to find a happy medium, bringing the card of Temperance into the forefront of my mind.  This is tempering yourself between the things that can become assets and not over indulging to the point that any quality becomes a problem or compulsion.  I need to manage my time out here as well as I did in there but without becoming impulsive or superstitious with it, I need counseling!  Luckily, I have a job that affords me the luxury of health insurance that has a co-pay for counseling sessions.

My PO also told me that if I got some counseling under my belt that I would be on my toward unsupervised probation!!!  That is a dream come true to not have to worry about checking into probation and being trusted enough to be the adult that I am now!  He also told me that I would be able to get a provisional license from my sentencing judge so that I can legally drive to and from work, I am going to contact her today.

Every time I think I have become the best person that I can be I sell myself short and have to remember that there is always room for growth and improvement as long as I don’t limit myself and I realize my worth.

I’m No Longer Fascinated by That Gangster Shit


Well, I’ve been out of prison a little over 9 months and I must say that my perspective has changed quite a bit and I was able to integrate back into society a lot easier than I thought!  I remember when I got out all I wanted to do was go back, I missed the structure, the people and the purpose that I had there.  I didn’t think it was possible to find my niche somewhere else but I have!!!

A friend of mine is 3 weeks out of prison and he wants to go back, I want to tell him to hang in there because once he finds structure and purpose out here the possibilities are endless.

To everyone that has recently gotten out of prison, keep your head up and remember you can survive out here just like in there.  It’s all about perspective.

It’s Been Awhile

It’s been over a month since I’ve published anything, partially because of the amount of work that I’ve been doing with my job but also the amount of changed I have made in my life.  This post will probably not be very witty or intriguing but more of a way to catch up readers that I hopefully haven’t lost due to my neglect.

I’ve been working as a Title Clerk at a car dealership and it’s been nice to be able to translate some of the things that I did illegally into a legal career and more than just a job!  I am grateful for the people here that over looked my felony to give me this opportunity to learn a trade!

December 28th 2017, I bought a car from my dealership and my husband drives me to and from work in it since I don’t have my license back but that’s the next step!  A few days ago we moved into our own place and we are enjoying the time together very much.

My brother got out of prison January 12th 2018 and he and his girlfriend are in Tennessee, he is trying to find a job but it is difficult to get a job when you are just out of prison and he is already feeling the frustration!

Knowing that my intentions are good helps me to know that no matter where I am going or what I am doing, I am right with myself while I’m doing it!

I Over Think Everything


I was laying in bed contemplating the differences in myself from prison til now and wondered how much of it is just being the innate you (the one without societal laws) being stuck in different situations.  When someone says “That is so you” or “that reminds me of you” are they referring to the you that is you or the you that is created by trying to fit into a mold that may or may not be fitting to human nature?

The reason that I can’t get this thought out of my head is that I can’t understand why certain people react differently to certain situations in the first place.  That makes the term human nature broad as fuck!!!  I know that in prison I felt compelled to work on myself physically and spiritually, meaning I worked out a lot and gained as much knowledge as possible.  These are two things that gain respect in the penal system.  Now that I’m out, I work as much as possible and try to keep the people I care about happy.

Is it in my nature as a human to try to excel in whatever situation I am in or is it the want of other people to realize that I am excelling in whatever situation I am in.  I speak often of intent and deliberation but what is my intent and deliberation??  Is it to be noticed for being good at being human or is it more of a self reassuring nature??  I love my husband and I love my mother but if they weren’t here would I still do it??  I wish I knew…..

The continuing question that I have is purpose driven and not in the way of a Christian novel, I want to know the reason for wanting to strive.  The reason that we are human, I know that I find more purpose in a life that is full of drive and structure but I wish I knew why I feel that way!

Episode 56 More From Rene

I can only be me

I sit here and listen to myself as I tell people I can only be me!

Actually, who am I trying to really be?

I need people to understand the many things that us as women has to really be in life

It’s as if we have 10 people living inside us because no matter how hard we try, we really just can’t be me as much as we want to be, try to be and live to be.

So in this world that we choose to live in we as woman have to be;

A woman in the streets but a freak in the sheets as men put it.

A lover, a friend, a companion, a mother, a counselor since we have to counsel our children in some situations through this life we gave them.

We, at times become a wife in this life as well as a teacher.

Whether we realize it or not or have taken the time to analyze who we try to really be is a mystery because actually there is different personalities that are hidden behind the face of a woman.

Remember that all smiling faces are not as happy as they appear to be, not all friendly faces are as friendly as they seem to be, not all beautiful faces are not as pretty as they may be on the outside because on the inside could really be another hidden personality that you cannot see.

With every person that a woman has to be in this life has its own character, personality, face and hidden lady that we dare allow you to meet.

This brings me to wonder and question “who am I really trying to be?”

At times I like me, but do I really love me?

I trust me but do I really understand me?

I believe in me but do I really know me?

It’s hard for me to know  who I really am when behind this face that’s revealed openly to the world has a dark face that’s hidden behind  this smiling, beautiful, glowing, friendly, loveable, caring face that has a mask hidden that you cannot see but is revealed as me.

The person I say is me, loves everybody and trusts nobody and deeply cares for somebody.

The person I long to be is a woman looking to be loved but is afraid of love and questions love.

Wants to remove the darkness in me that keeps me from being me, woman I truly want to be.

I want to be able to come out of my shell and reveal me, the inside of me and let the old me become the real me.

Who longs and awaits to know the real me that can’t see me behind the shadows that haunt me.

Who can I find in life to help me, not hurt me, abuse me, mistreat me, lie to me or walk away from me one the shadows of me come out of me.

This brings me back to the beginning again when I said “who is really me?”

The shadows within thee, the revealed face that you see or the unfamiliar face that you meet.

I’m tired of living a lie trying to become me, only God can change and save me as well as reveal me the lady whom he chooses to be me.

The real me!

Rene McCullough

Episode 55 WTF is Wrong with Me??


Well, I have been irritable and angry for a while now and have just wanted to give up and put a .45 to my dome or go back to prison but then I remember that I’m no less angry in prison and if I were dead I would be a selfish prick.  I feel bombarded with issues and problems that are not in my power to solve and not enough time to decompress and compartmentalize the issues or solve the problems that come at me on the daily.  I don’t have any time to myself before more issues arise or my mom and my fiancé want attention from me but I still feel overwhelmed from other problems of the day.  I have been working 52 hours a week with Sunday as my only day off and this past Sunday I had laundry piled up all over our room and very little time to do it, we ended up taking it to a laundromat and got it done in about an hour but before that it was a more than laundry on the floor it was another problem that I didn’t have time or ability to fix.  My other issue is working from 1pm to 8pm every night leaving me no time to eat dinner, decompress before sleep or get any other household chores done that pile up during the 6 days that I work.  The issue of time when I was in prison was that there was too much of it and my ability to decompress and center myself became easier after I had worked through the issues that had compiled from outside of prison and forgot how much difficulty I had with being overwhelmed by problems in the first place and it being one of my main triggers to use because I have very little coping skills when it comes to being bombarded with problems outside my control.  I think the reason that I get frustrated and say “fuck it, I wanna go back to prison!!” is because that is the only place I have ever had the time to deal with my problems properly without drugs.  I get told “you just need to get into counseling” but when will I go to counseling, I get told “just do it tomorrow” but when will there be a tomorrow that I have more time than I’ve had today??  I want to be able to manage my time and feel more in control of my life but when will I have the time to learn skills on how to manage my time and feel more in control of my life without going back to the pen???

Trap Girl

Episode 54 Normalcy

Normalcy was a word that President Warren G. Harding coined when talking about what America was going to return to after the war and depression era, therefore I think it is fitting for me to use it as well.  My fiance and are are both recovering criminals and being normal together is our relationship goal dream.  Last night we went bowling and went home and went to sleep, we strive to do the drab day to day menial shit that people that have always been normal take for granted and get overly excited when we find ourselves sitting down to dinner and then watching a movie like we are doing something extraordinary.  There is extraordinary in the ordinary if it isn’t what you are used to.  Bach was right about perspective being everything, “use it or lose it”.  I know that I need to remember the extraordinary in the ordinary in order keep myself from becoming bored and acting a fool just for an adrenaline rush because the truth of the matter is I know that I don’t want to lose Chris or my mom again and keeping that in perspective will keep me returning to normalcy instead of going back to the struggle because it doesn’t have to be real if you don’t let it!!!!

Episode 53 Eternal Smart ass and Squishy

Eternal Smartass

I am breaking all the rules since its 45 after, meaning I am able to get off my bunk and use the restroom.  However when I see the C/O walk through the front door I try to duck back off into the bathroom to avoid confrontation cause he likes to give me shit.  Of course he sees me and instead of letting me make it he has to assert his dominance and instead of diffusing the situation I automatically resort to sarcasm.  “That was covert op’s Sgt., it must be your military training” (Damnit Ashley!) he made me watch as he typed up an incident report, all along I’m making comments.

Him:  That’s a demotion

Me:  I’m already a level one

Him:  Oh so you just don’t care about your life?

I let him provoke me

Me:  Well I was a level four for 14 months so either I’m good or good at it.

Me to myself: Just shut up sometimes asshole!!!  I thought I’d mastered my mouth after this time.  Shit.  Round 2



I’ve turned soft.  My body feels squishy.  I no longer smash people out just to do it and then today at labor pool I get upset because a speck of dirt got on my boots, WTF??  It was my understanding the penitentiary toughens you up- this women’s lock up (Oklahoma) is a joke.  Although it shows resolve that I can use my words rather than my hands (to get home quicker) and although maybe I looked better with all these pretty curves than 90% of these women and although it never hurts to keep your kicks clean and keep up with your swag game…the word punk comes to mind.  Is there a happy medium in life after this or if I wanna stay out of this piece will I be forced to remain squishy??


Episode 52 Jesus Loves Outlaws


A big hello to the world out there!  I know it’s been awhile, I’ve been very disconnected.  My mind was wrapped around being released from here.  PRD Nov. 1st 2017.  That has all changed in the last 8 days, man is now saying I have 1884 days flat.  There is no way, I’ve been trapped for 3 years now- how do you overlook something like this?  Not just one person but many.  The records employees take my life as a joke and it comes down to the nut cutting they never had them to start with- or the backbones- SNAKES let’s blame the dead Bill Page and in the mean time I’m still here, trapped in the place that’s just feet from the exit into the unknown.  Although I haven’t been blogging I didn’t stop writing.  I just had an idea that I would forward all my thoughts when I got access to me Dell.  So here are a few of them on the next few pages.  So to catch ya’ll up- I have nothing, need everything.  I was on my way out the gate, so it was a free for all at 113upper.  Grateful for the 3 trays a day but extra batteries and a few stamps would be nice.  When it comes to asking others for stuff, I cringe.  Sometimes warm water is the cure, as long as you just go to sleep fast.  This is the test of loyalty- where the realness of friendship is found.  I know there’s faith in Fox but I’m struggling teaching that old dog new tricks.  It’s his birthday by the way-big 52-here’s your shoutout.  Well, I’m going to continue to make the best of this adventure, keep me in your prayers folks.  If we’ve traveled to Hominy tell my outlaw I love him.  BDM remember this place can’t keep me because butterflies are free.

Jesus Loves Outlaws

Episode 51 I Remember Crying


Sitting on this side of the fence is just about all I expected it to be.  It’s actually a little more laid back then I imagined.  As I sit here tonight I’m flooded with memories and I’m letting them take ahold and I’m just along for the ride…I close my eyes and I remember crying.  I used to do it a lot!!  I remember crying as I walked through the halls of county at DLM to visit you.  The smell hit me through the vents (a smell I know all too well from my trips, I’ve lost count) and it was like being punched in the gut.  I didn’t want that for you and it was my fault you were there on 2 counts of shooting with intent.  I began to run so I could get to you quicker.  When I finally saw you, you had a deep red streak running up your arm to your chest from a spider bite.  To your face I remained calm but I remember crying back down the halls as I left (afraid I was going to lose you to the bunk ass medical flop going on).  I phoned the jail from the parking lot and complained.  I figured my assertive voice was much more credible than my 5’3” frame attached to a pretty face. I dropped money on your JPay and money on your GTL account and I headed to the airport where they sell postcards because DLM was no longer accepting regular sealed envelopes as correspondence and there was no way you were going without.  I stopped by the “L” store and met mom back at the house to get our boy who was only 9 months old at the time.  We had strict “no sleeping in our bed” policy to avoid accidents but that night he slept in my arms.  You called a few times and I got to hear your voice.  It hurt so bad to hear the lady say “you have 60 seconds”, I always remember crying.  Well it’s been 3 long years since I’ve heard from you.  You’ve never put money on my JPay, never put money on the phone.  Do you cry for me now that I’m the one that’s locked up and the roles are reversed?  Do you cry for our son?  He told me last week he cries for me because he feels so sad for me that I’m in here.  I told him mommy should be the one who is sad for him because he doesn’t get to have his mommy.  Do you remember how every Father’s Day you got your mom a Father’s Day card?  Do you think our son will do that for me when he’s grown or are you gonna step up?  We miss you Daddy!  This Sunday is Mother’s B-day, Happy Mother’s Day to me…I will remember crying…