8. Roll Out

This episode weighs heavy on my heart. I tried to edit it the best I knew how but found the best way was to let the honesty of Wahlea come through and simply change the names and shorten it a bit. I hope you agree. Trap Girl is still dealing with her anger – I think she is doing better, but it is an emotion she has always struggled with … she is definitely making headway. I continue to be proud of her accomplishments.

Trap Girl & The Anti-Hero League are back with more insights behind these prison walls. 

Guess who is now a level 2 & has 2 thumbs? Trap Girl! In other news, it seems Washington County is in the lead for locking up females. I’ve seen more girls come through that county than I’ve seen come from any other, except maybe Creek…

Needless to say there’s quite a few new girls here but the silver lining to that is a lot had to leave first in order for more to come in. We had probably 20 girls, just from my dorm, leave in the past 2 weeks! I miss all of you & I hope you’re doing well, but don’t come back now, ya hear! This place is still over-crowded though, the budget for meals is to feed about 500 women when in actuality there’s 1120 women here! I would say that’s a smidge over capacity as well as under budget, but what do I know, I’m just a criminal!

The lesson of the week would probably be on controlling anger, I realize that living in such close proximity with other females that there’s going to be conflict, but I have a way of bringing it to the next level & not letting go like a puppy with a rag-doll. So far the best technique I’ve learned is walking away but it wasn’t enough because the anger did not dissipate. I recently tried playing volleyball & serving the ball repeatedly until the anger subsided. My hand is black & blue but I’m not in lock & I’m a level 2!

Until next time, have a Wonderful Eddie Warrior Day!     ❤ Trap Girl

Rehabs For Quitters

Lemme tell you about myself, my name is Wahlea. I’m 23 years old. I was born in ******, OK. I have 2 amazing half sisters and I was in Orchestra for 8 years. I graduated high school at 17 years old. My father was strict, a biker and was hard on me. He dealt dope and used as well as the rest of my family. Drugs were normal to me. When I was growing up I had bikers who were patch holders sitting at a little table, knees up to their chest, in leathers with their pinkies out playing tea party for my entertainment. All my neighbors did and sold drugs. I was pretty much the only child because my sisters are 13 & 16 years older than me. Grew up without a lot of common “luxuries”. I had a water cooler until I was 16 then we moved and I got central heat and air. Got my 1st microwave at 16, we had a toaster oven that would pop the breaker box and my 1st toaster at 18. I was/am a weird person growing up. I didn’t really “fit” in anywhere. I still don’t fit in anywhere specific, but when I had drugs and money I had it all. I had “friends”.

Well at 18 I married my high school sweetheart. We had sobriety and along came 2 of the best things that God can give someone, my 2 daughters. They’re 19 months apart. When the youngest was born my husband and me started having problems and split 3 months after she was born. Well, how do I know how to make money? Drugs! duh. I thought as long as they’re not around my children it’s OK right? Wrong. Moved back in with my parents. My dad was slowing his role so he was haggin at me. Be a mom, stay home with your children, pull your head out of your ass … so on. I felt cornered, he was telling ME how to live my life? Ha! What a hypocrite! I get with this new guy, Joe, such a hunk to me. I move to Stillwater with him, we’re sober and working, my parents have my kids while I’m starting a new life and planning for them to move in with us – seeing them every weekend. And its going well, until we run into old “friends” … here we go into that old world again. We’re tight on money. I want my kids in the same house with me again. We can make some quick money if we make a few moves .. Well, we’ll get high just once .. or maybe just weekend warriors .. I mean what can it hurt?

We go wild! Stop seeing my kids as much. My parents are confused and hurt. I’m not talking to any of my family, really they don’t know where I am, if I’m OK – until I sober up a few days every couple weeks to see my kids .. My you’re awfully skinny, they say … Nope, I just look good. Ha! Whatever, I tell myself. Joe starts being controlling, I start using a needle. Things really get out of hand at this point … my dad gets sick and goes down hill REAL quick. He passed away Jan 5, 2015 … 2 weeks after I find out I’m pregnant … WTF!!! Bam! I don’t want to feel! I used until March. Me and Joe’s relationship is crumbling at this point, we split at the end of March.

We just get back together, I’m sober and still selling, still pregnant. We get busted April 2, 2015 at a motel with several other people … Damn. My first arrest. I’m 19 weeks pregnant. Dumb. I get out Aug 13 a day before my C-section to have my 8 lb 14 oz healthy baby boy. Wow, a miracle yet again! Me and and Joe are attending NA almost every day, staying sober being full time parents. He starts getting his 3 year old. We were a happy family again, with my mom living with us too, until the weekend before Thanksgiving. It’s cold and raining. A Saturday about 11 before midnight, we get a call, they’re gone … Who’s gone?!? My stepson, his mom and his sister – killed in a wreck. OH MY GOD! There goes our sobriety. Fuck it. Fuck everyone. Why would this happen? HOW could this happen?

We start using again and dealing again trying to run from a pain that no amount of drugs can mask. Me and Joe split in December. I catch new charges in February 2016. Possession with intent, paraphernalia and I’m going to prison … WHAT? 635.029 grams of dope in the trunk … Damn I’m caught again. I’ve got a warrant from missing court on my first case. They wanna give me 15 violent. I got my lawyer to get them down to nonviolent and 5 years DOC with my balance of my sentence suspended upon completion of Helping Women Recover, which is a 4 month program. I should be home by May 2017 … with my children.

I found out everyone who loved me so much, were my “best friends” never cared, they liked the drugs I had. I got locked up, they moved to the next sack. I’ve had no letter or phone calls except from and to my sister who has 6 children and my son and no money. Nothing from all those “solid” mother fuckers who just “loved” me. I lost myself in what I thought I’d never be. I let down the only 3 gifts life has given me. I can not wait to get out and start again. Quit relying on friends and create a sound and structured life on my own with out a man and focus on what I should have never lost sight of. I’ve been given yet another undeserved chance out of addiction for myself, my children, my honor and the future I still have as a 23 year old single mother. Sometimes as addicts we think we have a hold on our drug use but we can’t see what it’s doing to ourselves. I thought my children didn’t want for anything, but I missed the biggest piece … their MOMMY! It’s ALL about your PRESENCE not the PRESENTS. I can say I’m proud to be a quitter.






Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s