14. A Brave New World Indeed

 

I took my Mother to Midnight Mass, Christmas is her birthday – my family grew up singing in the choir; we sat there this year listening to the performance of a “Gloria” written by the 18th century composer Vivaldi for the illegitimate daughters of Noblemen and their mistresses; it was sung in traditional Latin and music was provided by a 15 piece orchestra – beautiful! As I sat there I had many thoughts going through my mind – I wondered about the first performance years ago and the girls who sang for their audience. Did they know their parents at all? Were they even in the audience? Had their fathers ever acknowledged them or were they true orphans and outcasts of society? This “Gloria” was not even discovered until 40 years after Vivaldi’s death, and this man of God died a destitute and broken man, may he rest in peace. And may these women in prison find the joy and happiness they so dearly seek. Bless you all this Holiday Season.
Teresa

 

I thought of a joke, “What is the most passive aggressive thing you can say in prison? – Well, I got my books.” I told that in my HWR class and only 2 girls laughed, I thought it was pretty funny because we play spades a lot in prison and when you and your partner get set it’s sometimes because one of you didn’t get the amount of books you bid, instead of letting it go both people are mad and someone almost always says, “Well, I got my books”. I’m getting better about letting stuff go and I’m not passive aggressive so I don’t ever say, “Well, I got my books.”

I’m on a Chuck Palahniuk kick lately, I started with an anthology of short stories he compiled by various authors called “Burnt Tongues”, then “Diary” and “Non-Fiction”. He’s an amazing writer and so relatable compared to James Joyce and Dostoevsky especially since I’m in prison and feeling irreverently sardonic. He’s the writer of “Fight Club” and I would recommend picking up his books. I just finished one by Dave Eggers called “The Circle” that is a tweaker’s nightmare and I’m afraid its more non-dystopian fiction than dystopian science fiction. Imagine FaceBook, cameras and surveys replacing friends and monopolization of the government. Fuck! I forgot Trump was president and social media controls our information highway! This year for Thanksgiving I was grateful that I’m in prison! A Brave New World indeed, although I’m no longer taking a gram of soma (Lithium) to keep reality away, I’m just getting better at coping.

I used to be an addict, now I’m not. Here at Eddie Warrior we’re fed well and the conditions are great, I rate my customer experience at an 8 as far as a hostage situation is concerned; 27 days and a wake up and everyone in my HWR program gets to go home, but on the day after that I will hear “Good Morning and Have a Wonderful Eddie Warrior Day” – for almost 180 more days. I give that a thumbs down and a dislike. Please share this thread …

❤ Trap Girl

 

Recently I began working Midnight Laundry. I thought it would be the perfect job for me because I like to be awake later in the day and sleep until late in the mornings. And, hell, how hard is it to wash clothes. No brainer, right? Em, well, I was so wrong. Even my short lived experience working in a laundry mat did not prepare me for the shit I have had to deal with washing an inmate’s clothing. It’s a nightmare. Someone always has a sock missing – one in particular says there are socks missing every time I wash her stuff. Okay – so the first couple of days I worked I could admit that a mistake in my handling of the laundry could have occurred. Every time I worked from then on I made changes in how I handled the clothes to minimize error. On the last wash day or night for the woman I went through her bag before I put it in the wash. There were only 2 ½ pairs of socks and the slip said 3 pair. I feel like it’s a setup now and I didn’t want to wash her clothes but they were done anyway. It’s amazing to see how scandalous women can be. And when it comes to washing their clothes, man, anything they can complain about, it would be complained about – loads of laundry are being washed together; which I’ve never done; no soap is being used; they will even lie and say that there was personal soap when there was none. I mean when I started this job I thought I knew how to wash clothes but after working here for only 1 week I’m starting to doubt that I have any laundry experience at all. Ha ha ha! No that can’t be right – these ladies have just lost their freaking minds! Why can’t people just be content with the way things are sometimes. And let everything be right in the world. Laundry drama; Give me a break.

Mickey (Mclinda)

 

“I gave it all to you; I don’t know if it was too much or not enough, baby, baby, we just fell out of love”

–  Haystak

This wise fella once told me “No matter what emotion you feel, Keep turning it right back up to love.”

Have you ever wondered why wise men and wise guys are completely opposites? Love is the greatest gift a person ever gives. To be loved is what we deeply long for, and we can’t live without. I’m trapped by love, my motives were love, crimes are out of love, and convicted by the same love. Dang love!

                The other side – rage, hostility living to hate, anger that’s so physical it tears at my soul … why does it feel so good in the rush of it all? Left with scars and blood stained floors – but it’s much deeper than that. I looked in the mirror, Wow is that me?

                Love hard … love that’s dizzy, irrational, intoxicating and forever

                Wow, as I was thinking about love I said “Self, how can I explain my perception of love …” Then the perfect song blasted through my Koss CL/20’s

“I’m hard to love, some say I’m hard to like but I’ve been through a lot of things and I’m scarred for life. I’ve got bruises on my spirit, dents in my chin and I’m never letting anybody get me again”

   Hard To Love – Haystak

We all have choices. Today I choose to be trapped in Love, by Love, all for Love.

Jesus Loves Outlaws

 

“They were all in love with dyin’, they were drinkin’ from a fountain that was pourin like an avalanche comin’ down a mountain” 104.5 The Edge

As I “chill” on my bunk waiting on 7:30 count to clear, the thought of time crosses my mind. There’s much to be said about time. First, let’s just start by saying – “it’s only temporary.” I may be trapped by time but it’s still moving. I look at it as not lost, but preserved.

time 1: period during which something exists or continues or can be accomplished 2: point at which something happens 3: customary hour 4: age 5: tempo 6: moment, hour day or year as indicated by a clock or calendar 7: one’s experience during a particular period.

I think of time as something that’s happened in my life, changing it forever. I’m not up to “time” on technology but I think it’s a privilege to be able to write and others have the choice to read, relate or not and maybe or not respond.

I am in a program that’s working for me – no wait, I’m working for it. I’m learning I don’t always have to be an outlaw. I’ve only made the choice to be savage.

I’m learning to truly love, and without the man above I would fail miserably. I have 4 reasons why I will make it, they are 12, 10, 5 & 3 – like I said, this is just time preserved. I’m free on the inside and chains are breaking …

Time is what you make it. Lesson #30 – Time heals almost everything, Give time, time.

                Jesus Loves Outlaws

 

                Out of Sight

It’s easy to forget, out of sight, out of mind,

The World’s trash taken out.

Warehoused in brick and wire, a fenced

fortress – to some hell.

Convicted souls, guilt stained clothes.

Locked doors and bars to keep the beast in

Not given a moment’s thought

Just a shiver when you drive past the

guarded fortress on the edge of town.

The thoughts and deeds of those within

too horrible to mention.

How can it be that even one of these

could ever become a Christian?

But yet the silence continues a wedge of

indecision.

Do you dare reach out, extend your light

into the darkest places?

Tear-stained cheeks or freshly washed

faces of those who sit in your pews,

safe from those for who God’s wrath is

overdue.

It’s easy to forget, out of sight, out of

mind,

The World’s trash taken out.

Warehoused in brick and wire, a

fenced fortress, to some hell.

                Jesus Loves Outlaws

 

Hey guys, its Yayo. I believe I left off at Step 8 or 9, 8 is about making a list: Made a list of all the persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends with them all. This step is easy and hard for me partly because I’ve already started this with my family. I have hurt not only myself but my children, my sister, brother-in-law, nieces and nephews, my husband, my son’s father – and that’s just a few I directly damaged. My behavior was unacceptable and I am trying to amend what I have damaged through direct apologies already – and have been forgiven so far, except for my son’s father. Hopefully that will change and he’ll get there. We really damaged each other and I forgive him, how could I not? I’m asking for forgiveness so why wouldn’t I give it? I can’t have a one way street there. Sometimes I feel like I deserve to be forgiven, like I don’t have to prove myself to anyone, that I’m working hard enough on myself, but that’s the time I have to humble myself because of what I’ve done. These people are supporting me bettering myself and keeping accountable, I need that. I am a newborn recovering addict, I have been clean for 10 months now, I’ve had some hard times, but most of it has been easy. I know partly due to the fact that I’m incarcerated – the real test is when I get home. My sister wants me to come live with her for just this reason. She can help me when I need it and keep me accountable. I am very blessed. Now this also carries out Step 9 which is about making direct amends: Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. Believe it or not, there are some of those on my list. Here are 30 of the most common addictions: alcohol, anger, sex, caffeine, gambling, sexual abuse, sports, love, shopping, chronic illness, codependency, internet, compulsive lying, money, junk food, church, nicotine, overeating, talking, credit cards, pain, cell phones and texting, drugs, physical abuse, television, emotional abuse, prescription meds, games, pornography, and work. Some of these sound dumb but if they have a vice on you or dictate most of your time then it’s addiction. Some aren’t so bad, some are the unspeakables. When I read that list I was like “Whaaat?” Really never thought of most of those. I’m not saying run and get help, but some people do get help with some of that.. It just kinda gives you a little light of what some people have an addiction to. Some of those we can’t do without and are harmless, some we don’t need in our lives. Addiction is not a scarce thing, a lot of people can relate to something on that list.

                Yayo

 

It’s Yayo. It’s getting cold outside now and I want to urge parents to look up car seat safety this winter. I lost my 3 year old stepson in a wreck and his mom and sister too, a little over a year ago he wasn’t in a car seat nor a seat belt. Don’t put your children in a car seat with a thick winter coat. With some coats you’ll have to loosen the seat belt. I know it gets cold but I don’t want ANY parent/guardian to feel that pain. If you put them in without the coat after you’ve adjusted it to the coat you’ll notice how loose it is. That’s room for your child to fly out. My stepson was thrown 30 ft from the vehicle. I DO NOT want to be gruesome or scare you, but accidents happen no matter how good of a driver you are, maybe someone else isn’t. Use a blanket over the seat belt for warmth or put the coat draped over, it’s a very minor inconvenience compared to that pain. I know this is off what I normally write, but if I can save just one more parent from the pain then it was worth it. Please share this little information to help protect the kiddos. Merry Christmas.

Yayo

13. Lithium is More than a good Nirvana Album

This is a “throwback” because in trying to catch-up with the women’s writing I found an envelope dated 10/9/2016 and really thought you should read this, I apologize for going out of order. In the big picture I suppose it won’t matter to anyone but me – but, it does cause a glitch if you are trying to follow anyone’s story. Mea culpa.
Teresa

Lithium is More than a good Nirvana Album

Trap Girl has been trying to curb her anger in this place but the struggle is real! Initially going to “South End Medical” (mental health) for a mood stabilizer known as Lamictal, but to Trap Girl’s surprise after making her emotionally detached it ACTUALLY made her anger worse to the point that she almost punched someone asking her for a book, and in the past (previous to this incarceration) a lovely lady threw Trap Girl her keys and Trap Girl returned the favor by hurling an entire desk at the key tosser. After that realization she asked to be switched to a different medication and the lucky winner was … lithium. Not sure if she’s more stable or just doesn’t care, but honestly does it matter at this moment?

Not a proponent of crutches such as these but also not a proponent of catching more charges cuz bitches be trippin. With the serious lack of nun chuk and fighting skills Trap Girl already knows how a “fight” would go down, and has already experienced the females not being woman enough to catch one in the showers; lithium is the best option. Although a mood neutralizer rather than stabilizer is OK for this caged and froggy girl because I’ve gotta feel less froggy so I don’t jump.

Until next time have a Wonderful Eddie Warrior Day! ❤ Trap Girl

Good morning out there! I just want to say I loved chics until I showed up here. Trapped girl still? These chics have given what I’ve enjoyed so long a black eye. I’m a late bloomer but I have arrived. People here want attention even if it hurts and I’m not one to abuse people so that keeps me single, while I’m being single I’m seeing my distorted thinking that has kept me trapped out there and here. I have 7 children and I live in a little town where it’s hard to redeem yourself when you’ve messed up. Being starved out put me in a position to have to get things however I could for my household. I need help once I’m out of here, people don’t understand how it feels to be blackballed. I went to jail 3 times for failure to pay court costs because when I got money I bought things for the house. My kids need me home and I’m willing to work. I just need a fair chance, how does the world know that I love Jesus, that I grieve the years I’ve lost, that I am very positive and high energy, that I’m great with people and I am now a believer of boundaries and solutions? If given the chance I will take my life back and Babe Ruth it!

One of the Trapped Girls, Tenneah

OK, so I think this week I’ll write a little bit about losing yourself in the Shuffle, the Lesbian Shuffle that is. LOL! See the thing is, I personally did not come to this place to get a “girlfriend” and I’m not going to be “Gay for the Stay”. Now please believe me when I say I’m not judging anyone who has made this decision, but Jesus said that I’d better not! Anyhow, the thing is, I feel like it’s hard enough in here to make it and keep yourself sane and out of trouble without adding a “girlfriend” to the mix! I mean, most have someone waiting on the outside so I would think that would be an emotional roller coaster all by itself! But to each their own I guess. I just find it hard to believe some days that I’m really seeing what I’m seeing! I know opposites attract, but WOW! And boy are some CRAZY about each other! I mean with looking like Rapunzel and the other looking like the evil witch that stole her with personalities to match, I just don’t understand – and I know I said I wanted mail, but Dyke Kites aren’t what I meant! I know I’m definitely not the prettiest girl on the yard, but why are Norbit and Powder’s obese sister the ones I’m having to run from the most? I’ve tried to be nice about it, but “No” means “No” and I’m not gonna change my mind! Anyway the thing you don’t want to get caught doing is being nice in any way to someone’s girl cuz that could possibly cause them major trouble! One day I was playing hackey and the ball went over by my friend and her girl, as I picked the ball up I jokingly said “I thought you had that, where were you at?” and my friend’s “Psycho Dyke” girl as she calls her started saying “Yeah, where were you? Why don’t you just go be with her? You know you wanna be with her!” I felt so bad I didn’t know what else to do except “move around” LOL! So now I don’t speak to her in public anymore! This place is crazy! But I guess I’ll make it out alive if I stay away from the “Girlfriends”!

Myra

No shoes, No shirt, No service!

One thing’s for sure here at Eddie Warrior, we get 3 meals a day; morning, noon, and night. We must always be dressed appropriately which includes but is not limited to our state issue pants and scrub tops tucked in with shoes and socks, and having our lovely ID’s donned on the left side pocket of our tops. A congregation of inmates gathers at the top of the hill where we wait for our dorm to be paged over the intercom system. When that moment happen it’s like herding cattle as we shuffle towards the mess hall entrance. As we step through the door and make our way to the register, where we scan our badges to “pay” for our food we are greeted by the Cafeteria Nazi – No Soup for You! She uses her keen eye sight to check and make sure we are dressed properly. From our pants not being rolled up to socks on our feet; she will make us leave without food to correct what is wrong or out of place before we eat. We can’t bring extras like salt or sugar, we’re supposed to eat the same chicken sausage without any help from spices and we can’t share any unwanted food with someone else. Leftovers go out to the slop for the warden’s pigs – so gross! The chicken sausage is our main meat here, for inmate consumption only, whatever that means exactly I’m not sure yet, might be something to worry about. Every now and again we might get a decent meal, but for the most part it’s the same portion – just enough to say we are not starving and usually not seasoned. The Cafeteria Nazi has excellent hearing too. Using a curse word within earshot will cost you sentences. Yes, I said sentences; like when we were back in school. Meal time is complete at the end of the day by 4:30. Talk about your Early Bird Special!

Mclinda

Hello World! I apologize for allowing so much lapsed time since my last writing. It has been a busy, busy couple of weeks at EWCC. It seems (for me anyway) So … where was I in my story? As I recall, I was telling you all how I got where I am at in life, this moment …

I believe I was at the point of being beat down, pushed down put down and dragged around by the Drug dealing, innocence stealing mad man that I married. Did I mention that it was my Senior year, the year I met him and was introduced to “Crank” … I walked away from a full ride scholarship from playing Softball – (I’m still really angry about that, my life would’ve taken a whole different course.) Anyway, I am going to condense this story a little bit, because I have found after my last blog that it is painful to relive some of it … I’m sure there’s supposed to be healing in it somewhere, but … not just yet.

To sum it up, I stayed, fighting to keep from a failed marriage until 1999. We split several times, he hunted me down, I went back. He literally sold me to 3 black men for his crack debt; I was 19, in our own apartment. He opened the door, looked at me said “You’ll be okay”, let a woman in I barely knew but knew he bought drugs from … and he left. The events that followed would haunt me the rest of my life … and be the driving force behind my lack of trust for men and as for those who were supposed to be the “front line” of defense against the dangerous world … (my Father and my Husband) … The only things I had felt they taught me were that promises don’t count, they are meant to be broken, empty words; Love? LOL! Love is a word of manipulation used along with “Sorry” to get me to change my mind about how I feel … “I’m sorry” always seemed to be followed by an “I love you”.

So … that’s the short of it. There are so many details in the middle of all that … LOL. And you are probably wondering how I attribute where I am at now in my life to all that … ?

There’s really no excuse. LOL! I can’t blame my past on where I’m at, in prison … Ha ha ha! LOL! That would be just me not taking responsibility for my actions … But it does set the stage for why I chose to be with females as companions and later on into my story (I have to leave you in suspense LOL!) you will see how it all ties in …

Evil men, bad choices and rotten women and more bad choices, are how I made it to the Great Eddie Warrior Correctional Center … So, besides Goldilocks, Myra and Pepe (who I don’t seem to get much time with anymore) these females just push my buttons on the dorm I live on. I pray every day for sanity. Honestly I feel like I am in a psych ward or somethin’. It’s a screwed up social experiment where they entertain themselves up in central. LOL. They place you here, there, throw this one in the mix, feed you this, feed you that, see how you interact … Argh! It’s a schizo’s nightmare. It feeds the paranoia for sure.

Speaking of … yea … they put me on some new meds. Trazadone, 150 mg on my very first dose! Uh…? No way, Jose that will NOT happen more than the one time it did! I will never understand why they give night meds at 3 in the afternoon, they will give you a misconduct for trying to “cheek” the pill for later so you swallow it and you are still expected to be awake for standing ID? I’ve seen so many girls just literally fall out on the floor after being woken up, of course it’s the Remron, Giadon and Trazadone … LOL! I felt so bad after the one dose on Friday night … no more, ever. I entertained the whole dorm. That back in my juvenile days may have been cool … it was humiliating this time in life. I haven’t been back to pill line.

I have added to my long list of daily prayers and am asking of My Lord Jesus Christ for strength in resisting the desires of my flesh. I pray every day for Him to block women from tempting me and to protect me from the evil Lesbian circles in prison. These women are brutal to each other. I’m a gay female in the world as of the last 6 to 7 years and love in the world ain’t nothing like the twisted way of these women.

Bye for now! Til next week! Love & Respect from Little Boy Blue!

12. Skirred by Reality

With the holidays on the way I endeavor to get up to date with the blog – the women are prolific with their writing, and I am falling behind in too many areas. I am having to put too many things on hold – but not losing hope that the real world is a kinder place than it appears. My goal for the ministry has hit a few snags, but I do not give up – I have been called a bulldog on a few occasions, although I sulk and look in the mirror optimistic it isn’t a dig at my looks – I will simply carry on with intent. In this episode we find Trap Girl a little “skirred” of the real world – because – afer all, it is a little scary. 
FYI: HWR is Helping Women Recover, a 4 month rehab program; paper time is having to report to a probation officer for a certain amount of time upon release.
Teresa

SKIRRED

I’m over half way through HWR and I feel amazing and a lot more capable of coping with situations in the real world. I’ve been really hard on myself about if or when I leave here and go to lower security. It seems that I’m so afraid of being able to trust my habitual self and that I’m going to do the wrong thing. You hear people say stupid shit like “It’s all I know” and it is stupid, but it’s familiar and you know what to expect. I excel very well in prison, I’m a natural leader and because it’s structured I don’t have as much opportunity for criminal thinking because everything is provided for me and on Eddie’s yard there’s just not much “game” going on. However, at lower security the possibilities are endless and at least once a week a girl comes back here in cuffs and street clothes from lower security or an ankle monitor because of drugs or going hard in the game. As it stands right now I can discharge from here on November 1st, 2017 without paper time but I may be eligible for parole, an ankle monitor or lower security before then and I am not sure if I can trust my habitual self to stay on the track that I’m on here because the world in here is SO MUCH EASIER!

If I don’t try I will never find out if I would fail but why discharge with paper time on an ankle monitor or go to lower security where it might increase my chances of coming back here anyway when I can just stay here 10 more months and have no paper time. I think I would personally rather play it safe than just hope that these coping skills that I’ve created in a vacuum work properly in the real world! I’ve got 2 months to sharpen these coping skills in HWR before I have to make any kind of decision about lower security, for once I have patience. Thanks Universe!

❤ Trap Girl

 

A child growing up doesn’t scream from the roof tops, “I wanna be incarcerated or a junkie or homeless when I grow up!” Yet, that’s where some of us sit. I am one of those individuals. They wanna be doctors, lawyers, firemen or women, computer programmers & gamers, etc. But we grow making choices and depending on what path we take develops the kind of person we become. A tattoo, a piercing; if we swipe left or right – it all becomes part of our personality; who we are. Some people want to go back and change those decisions that didn’t turn out just right. But me, I don’t live in regret. Everything is a learning experience, and although some of my choices have landed me here in prison, my life can become much more because of it. This has become another piece of the puzzle I call my life.

I’ve met many interesting women who have become my neighbors. All kinds of different personalities. Different cultures; short and tall; young and old. Women forming different cliques that band together and become one another’s family, experiencing each others hardships and triumphs. Taking care of each other while separated from the ones we love most in this world.

While we’re getting our minds right we are encouraged to learn some skills from the few programs that are provided. If you’re gonnna be here for awhile a college degree is possible through Conners State College. So never fear loved ones, we are getting back some of the brain cells lost to drug addiction and alcohol abuse. Also, required from us is having a job, DOC’s version of a sweat shop. Hard work for low to no wages. And all the while being on our designated bunks every 2 hours for count – a body is lost from time to time and a recount goes into effect. And always as a reminder – “There are opposite gender working all housing units. 🙂

You know I’ve had this crazy thought ever since I got here … who thought it was a good idea to put a bunch of criminals together in one place? It reminds me of the movie Blow when Johnny Depp’s character goes to prison the first time he says, “I went in with a minor in marijuana and came out with a PhD in cocaine”. We learn what others did, and keep that in mind the next time we decide to do dumb shit – it’s what not to do!

No seriously, that’s not always the case, some people truly use this experience to improve their way of thinking for better decisions in the future so we don’t end up back here. Prison is another milestone in my life that is developing my character.

Mclinda

 

Hey, it’s Yayo. What’s been heavy on my heart here lately is my husband and the holidays. Both are touchy subjects but I can honestly say I am learning how to properly cope with them. I talked to my husband the other day for an hour and a half and it was pleasant … we’ve been separated for 3 years now and each have a child out of wedlock. We didn’t say we would get back together but we are gonna be friends again and that’s a huge step. I mean I married him as soon as I was 18, he was my high school sweet heart and, shit happens … Obviously at one point he was my best friend so I missed his companionship. We’ll see where it goes from here. Now Holidays. I am learning to cherish every single chance I get to talk to or see my kids. I took so much for granted due to my own self consumption and my addiction. I am ready to show my children that they are my one and only worry and while I’m going to miss this Halloween (today) and Thanksgiving and Christmas and my 4 year old’s 5th birthday it’s gonna be the last birthday I’m gonna miss. I know it’s gonna suck as these special days pass but I’m bettering myself. I wanna be the mom I was before my addiction. I wanna show my girls they are worth more than ANYONE or ANYTHING. I wanna show my son he is the only man I need for awhile. I’m tired of unhealthy relationships; I want a man who treats me like I should be and not beating the sh*t outta me. I wanna wish everyone a happy safe Halloween, I know you’re gonna read this after Halloween but oh well. I’m anxious for these upcoming holidays because as they pass it’s a step closer I am to being well again, its one step closer to freedom and I just absolutely cannot wait for that!!! I am still learning some coping skills to stay sober. One step at a time.

 

So I don’t think I’m really ready to put my past on here yet but I do believe I can go into how this “Trapped Girl” began. Um, let’s see, OK, in 2010 I was leaving a bar on the Oklahoma/Arkansas line, which I don’t remember really being at … the last place I remember being that evening was the Cherokee Casino … anyhow, we (a so called friend and I) left the bar traveling west on 412 about 2:00 in the morning, we made it to the bottom of Flint Hill just outside Lil Kansas and I went off the right side of the road, overcorrected to the left and somehow parked my 2004 Grand Prix in the top of some trees! I to this day don’t really remember much, what little I know about that night’s events either came back in flashes weeks later or others filled in the blanks along the way. OK, so I guess the girl that was with me climbed down out of the car and realized she had forgotten her stuff so she climbed back in the car as I was begging her to help me out cuz there was something pinning my legs in and I couldn’t get out. She grabbed what she could find and ran away from the wreck … leaving me alone. She said she ran to a friend of ours in Oaks before she saw the ambulance come about 4:30! My first memories were at the Siloam Springs Hospital when the doctor was trying to put my dislocated hips back in place and the Highway Patrol was screaming profanities at me telling me how lucky I was to be alive! So apparently it took the First Responders about 45 minutes to get me out with the Jaws of Life and then they still had to get me down out of the trees … so I spent 5 days in the hospital, well the 2nd hospital because they didn’t have a bone doctor that could put my hips back in place at the 1st one! I had a broken tibia, 12 staples in my elbow, dislocated hips, a concussion and messed up my rotator cuff! And I had single handedly destroyed my life by walking out on my family to go out and party that night! It took 2 years for them to get me in an actual court room! More later – so stay tuned! 🙂 Myra

11. Patience Is A Virtue

Reception date 06/09/2016 (at the prison) – today’s date 12/06/2016 – However she has been locked up for over a year now. And well meaning friends say “She’s in the best place for her – I mean it’s really saved her life”, when they just don’t know that what she would really like is to have a letter or even just $5 from them to buy a box of tampons because, well – she doesn’t have a pot to piss in and then they tell me how buying a Roku and getting basic cable could really save me a fortune – fuck! I can’t afford either one! 

Don’t get me wrong – I understand how fortunate I am to have her alive. To have her growing in her knowledge of self every single day – but even Black Eyes (her case manager) says there comes a point when doing time simply becomes detrimental – So I ask: How long should she be locked up? 1 year? 2? 3? How long do my friends and family want my daughter and me to be punished and humiliated? – I guess I will never know these answers.

But I keep reminding myself, every minute when necessary, that she and I are exactly where the Universe wants us to be. And not to let things get us down because they just don’t matter – what does matter is what we know and what we know is this: the Universe is a delicate balance, and when we continue on the path, don’t stray from what is good and right, we will get to the true destination at the precise time. Forcing things just slows it all down. And I  don’t know about you, but I am seriously tired of being the one throwing a wrench in the machinery. Here’s to finally just going with the flow. Patience actually is a virtue, who knew?

Teresa

I always feel like somebody’s watching me …

“In typical paranoid ideas of reference, the person feels that murmurings and mutterings he hears as he walks past a street … burst of laughter behind his back at some joke cracked at him. When one gets to know such a person more than superficially, one often discovers that what tortures him is not so much his delusions of reference but his harrowing suspicions that he is of no importance to anyone, that no one is referring to him at all.”

This hit home and is probably more true than I know. I always did for other people in the game but for no other reason than to validate me as something (collusion) and the moment I got locked up it was out of sight out of mind. My best friend in the game stopped answering his phone the first week I got locked up and for some reason I still didn’t want to think I was that easily forgotten. When you use others to validate your self what happens when you’re all alone? It’s uncomfortable at first, you get desperate and try vehemently to control the entire pod of 24 girls for fear of not being in the forefront of their brain anymore but when they talk behind your back you put on a charade of anger when in all actuality its better than them not talking about you at all.

It wasn’t until I got in the DOC pod (a lock down cell pod) that I had a cell to myself and started seeing myself as separate and not them as an extension of me. I now look back and realize how exhausting it was to live like that and the main question on my mind now isn’t “have I achieved notoriety in the game?” but “I wonder if I’m even compatible with any of my friends anymore?” It feels like a whole new world that I will be released into and my shift in perspective makes it brand new and exciting.

Trap Girl

Happy Birthday Myra!

Friday was Myra’s B-Day and I hate that she had to have it here but because she did I 2 for 1’d some duplex creme cookies (cheap state cookies that are one side vanilla and one side chocolate) and made her a cake. Let me explain how this works for you guys at home. You twist open the cookie (it’s just like an Oreo) and scrape the icing into a bowl by itself and put ALL the cookies halves in another bowl with a packet of oatmeal and some coke or sprite and make a cake batter. Put that in the microwave for 3-4 minutes and while it’s cooking mix the icing with some Hershey’s syrup and a tsp of peanut butter and put it on the cake and voila it’s a prison birthday cake! Then I colored her a picture that says “totally.fucking.epic” and a bunch of us sang Happy Birthday to her and Yayo & myself ate cake with her.

  Trap Girl

So I feel I don’t talk about my friends Trap Girl and Myra enough. They are good to me, they understand my struggles in here because some are the same. We play cards every now and again but we are all a little stubborn and we don’t like losing so we kinda stray from that interaction. haha. I do love and respect their personalities and can relate. Me and Trap Girl know some of the same people and so we have that in common. Myra is my bunkie and last night she was dangling her feet in my face taunting me so I tried to bite her feet. lol. Also me and Myra were walking the oval yesterday or the day before kinda swapping our childhood stories. We have had a difficult road but I feel that has made us stronger people. Trap Girl and I are goofy together too. One day we were mimicking cats trying to cough up a hairball. It started about a cat hissing but turned to that and we were rolling. We love to laugh. Trap Girl has helped me more than she is aware by just listening to my story , putting up with my crap, and morale too. I appreciate both those girlies. Later for now. Wahlea

We’re Not Gonna Take It!!!

Alright so after 2 years of running pretty hard they caught me and I spent a few days in jail then I made bond on my DUI. I went to a couple of court dates paid a fine or two and then fell into drugs pretty hard and went on the run again! This time I ran for about a year and went through the same thing again! I did that 2 more times until February of this year when I was driving in Grove with no license and got pulled over for a broken tail light and then charged with all kinds of new stuff. Thankfully all misdemeanors, but this time I found myself with a bond I didn’t want to pay. I tried to get rehab, but the judge and the DA wouldn’t even hear of it. They said, nope – that I was goin to prison! So here I am – just waiting for them to open those gates and let me out! I’m trying to keep myself busy, I just finished an OSHA class, and I will be starting Keys to Life next week along with volunteering in the kitchen until my boss gets back so I can go back to the Beauty Shop and all the working out that we do! I believe between the building of our minds and bodies that what we’re doing in here along with our determination to never get stuck in this situation again, The Trapped Girls are gonna take this next chapter of our lives by storm!

Love, Myra

Counts

They count us while we’re sleeping. They count us when we’re awake. Not one stirs not even a mouse. It’s count time for goodness sakes!

We are expected to be up and productive during the day having jobs and what not, but at the same time be on our bunks or at our designated areas for count. Counts are scheduled like so; 7:30, 10:00, 2:00, 6:00, 7:30, 9:00, then, every hour while we sleep until morning. Almost all of them last about an hour long except the 1st 7:30 count and the last 9:30 count. The last one is what they call standing ID count when the CO goes around and we say our last name and DOC number. We are supposed to be on our bunks and quiet 5 minutes before count is to begin. This doesn’t always happen. Like the scatter of cockroaches at a flip of a light switch, females run quickly to their bunks at the sight of an officer when its time for counts. We’re not supposed to talk or go to the bathroom until 45 minutes after the count has started. Counts make me a very tired person throughout the day and I’m already a night person as it is. The problem with that is the yard closes at dark which is after the ? (sorryI couldn’t read the writing) o’clock count so I miss out on a lot of stuff. The best time for me to get anything done is between the 7:30 and 10:00 count. After that, I’m down for the day except to eat. Which is not an easy task because they want us up doing things during the day. I manage though every day. Counts are to help the guards keep track of all us inmates. So when a count takes longer than normal we know it’s because somebody is not accounted for. But at the end of the day we are all here ….. Unfortunately.

Mclinda