I took my Mother to Midnight Mass, Christmas is her birthday – my family grew up singing in the choir; we sat there this year listening to the performance of a “Gloria” written by the 18th century composer Vivaldi for the illegitimate daughters of Noblemen and their mistresses; it was sung in traditional Latin and music was provided by a 15 piece orchestra – beautiful! As I sat there I had many thoughts going through my mind – I wondered about the first performance years ago and the girls who sang for their audience. Did they know their parents at all? Were they even in the audience? Had their fathers ever acknowledged them or were they true orphans and outcasts of society? This “Gloria” was not even discovered until 40 years after Vivaldi’s death, and this man of God died a destitute and broken man, may he rest in peace. And may these women in prison find the joy and happiness they so dearly seek. Bless you all this Holiday Season.
I thought of a joke, “What is the most passive aggressive thing you can say in prison? – Well, I got my books.” I told that in my HWR class and only 2 girls laughed, I thought it was pretty funny because we play spades a lot in prison and when you and your partner get set it’s sometimes because one of you didn’t get the amount of books you bid, instead of letting it go both people are mad and someone almost always says, “Well, I got my books”. I’m getting better about letting stuff go and I’m not passive aggressive so I don’t ever say, “Well, I got my books.”
I’m on a Chuck Palahniuk kick lately, I started with an anthology of short stories he compiled by various authors called “Burnt Tongues”, then “Diary” and “Non-Fiction”. He’s an amazing writer and so relatable compared to James Joyce and Dostoevsky especially since I’m in prison and feeling irreverently sardonic. He’s the writer of “Fight Club” and I would recommend picking up his books. I just finished one by Dave Eggers called “The Circle” that is a tweaker’s nightmare and I’m afraid its more non-dystopian fiction than dystopian science fiction. Imagine FaceBook, cameras and surveys replacing friends and monopolization of the government. Fuck! I forgot Trump was president and social media controls our information highway! This year for Thanksgiving I was grateful that I’m in prison! A Brave New World indeed, although I’m no longer taking a gram of soma (Lithium) to keep reality away, I’m just getting better at coping.
I used to be an addict, now I’m not. Here at Eddie Warrior we’re fed well and the conditions are great, I rate my customer experience at an 8 as far as a hostage situation is concerned; 27 days and a wake up and everyone in my HWR program gets to go home, but on the day after that I will hear “Good Morning and Have a Wonderful Eddie Warrior Day” – for almost 180 more days. I give that a thumbs down and a dislike. Please share this thread …
❤ Trap Girl
Recently I began working Midnight Laundry. I thought it would be the perfect job for me because I like to be awake later in the day and sleep until late in the mornings. And, hell, how hard is it to wash clothes. No brainer, right? Em, well, I was so wrong. Even my short lived experience working in a laundry mat did not prepare me for the shit I have had to deal with washing an inmate’s clothing. It’s a nightmare. Someone always has a sock missing – one in particular says there are socks missing every time I wash her stuff. Okay – so the first couple of days I worked I could admit that a mistake in my handling of the laundry could have occurred. Every time I worked from then on I made changes in how I handled the clothes to minimize error. On the last wash day or night for the woman I went through her bag before I put it in the wash. There were only 2 ½ pairs of socks and the slip said 3 pair. I feel like it’s a setup now and I didn’t want to wash her clothes but they were done anyway. It’s amazing to see how scandalous women can be. And when it comes to washing their clothes, man, anything they can complain about, it would be complained about – loads of laundry are being washed together; which I’ve never done; no soap is being used; they will even lie and say that there was personal soap when there was none. I mean when I started this job I thought I knew how to wash clothes but after working here for only 1 week I’m starting to doubt that I have any laundry experience at all. Ha ha ha! No that can’t be right – these ladies have just lost their freaking minds! Why can’t people just be content with the way things are sometimes. And let everything be right in the world. Laundry drama; Give me a break.
“I gave it all to you; I don’t know if it was too much or not enough, baby, baby, we just fell out of love”
This wise fella once told me “No matter what emotion you feel, Keep turning it right back up to love.”
Have you ever wondered why wise men and wise guys are completely opposites? Love is the greatest gift a person ever gives. To be loved is what we deeply long for, and we can’t live without. I’m trapped by love, my motives were love, crimes are out of love, and convicted by the same love. Dang love!
The other side – rage, hostility living to hate, anger that’s so physical it tears at my soul … why does it feel so good in the rush of it all? Left with scars and blood stained floors – but it’s much deeper than that. I looked in the mirror, Wow is that me?
Love hard … love that’s dizzy, irrational, intoxicating and forever
Wow, as I was thinking about love I said “Self, how can I explain my perception of love …” Then the perfect song blasted through my Koss CL/20’s
“I’m hard to love, some say I’m hard to like but I’ve been through a lot of things and I’m scarred for life. I’ve got bruises on my spirit, dents in my chin and I’m never letting anybody get me again”
Hard To Love – Haystak
We all have choices. Today I choose to be trapped in Love, by Love, all for Love.
Jesus Loves Outlaws
“They were all in love with dyin’, they were drinkin’ from a fountain that was pourin like an avalanche comin’ down a mountain” 104.5 The Edge
As I “chill” on my bunk waiting on 7:30 count to clear, the thought of time crosses my mind. There’s much to be said about time. First, let’s just start by saying – “it’s only temporary.” I may be trapped by time but it’s still moving. I look at it as not lost, but preserved.
time 1: period during which something exists or continues or can be accomplished 2: point at which something happens 3: customary hour 4: age 5: tempo 6: moment, hour day or year as indicated by a clock or calendar 7: one’s experience during a particular period.
I think of time as something that’s happened in my life, changing it forever. I’m not up to “time” on technology but I think it’s a privilege to be able to write and others have the choice to read, relate or not and maybe or not respond.
I am in a program that’s working for me – no wait, I’m working for it. I’m learning I don’t always have to be an outlaw. I’ve only made the choice to be savage.
I’m learning to truly love, and without the man above I would fail miserably. I have 4 reasons why I will make it, they are 12, 10, 5 & 3 – like I said, this is just time preserved. I’m free on the inside and chains are breaking …
Time is what you make it. Lesson #30 – Time heals almost everything, Give time, time.
Jesus Loves Outlaws
Out of Sight
It’s easy to forget, out of sight, out of mind,
The World’s trash taken out.
Warehoused in brick and wire, a fenced
fortress – to some hell.
Convicted souls, guilt stained clothes.
Locked doors and bars to keep the beast in
Not given a moment’s thought
Just a shiver when you drive past the
guarded fortress on the edge of town.
The thoughts and deeds of those within
too horrible to mention.
How can it be that even one of these
could ever become a Christian?
But yet the silence continues a wedge of
Do you dare reach out, extend your light
into the darkest places?
Tear-stained cheeks or freshly washed
faces of those who sit in your pews,
safe from those for who God’s wrath is
It’s easy to forget, out of sight, out of
The World’s trash taken out.
Warehoused in brick and wire, a
fenced fortress, to some hell.
Jesus Loves Outlaws
Hey guys, its Yayo. I believe I left off at Step 8 or 9, 8 is about making a list: Made a list of all the persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends with them all. This step is easy and hard for me partly because I’ve already started this with my family. I have hurt not only myself but my children, my sister, brother-in-law, nieces and nephews, my husband, my son’s father – and that’s just a few I directly damaged. My behavior was unacceptable and I am trying to amend what I have damaged through direct apologies already – and have been forgiven so far, except for my son’s father. Hopefully that will change and he’ll get there. We really damaged each other and I forgive him, how could I not? I’m asking for forgiveness so why wouldn’t I give it? I can’t have a one way street there. Sometimes I feel like I deserve to be forgiven, like I don’t have to prove myself to anyone, that I’m working hard enough on myself, but that’s the time I have to humble myself because of what I’ve done. These people are supporting me bettering myself and keeping accountable, I need that. I am a newborn recovering addict, I have been clean for 10 months now, I’ve had some hard times, but most of it has been easy. I know partly due to the fact that I’m incarcerated – the real test is when I get home. My sister wants me to come live with her for just this reason. She can help me when I need it and keep me accountable. I am very blessed. Now this also carries out Step 9 which is about making direct amends: Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. Believe it or not, there are some of those on my list. Here are 30 of the most common addictions: alcohol, anger, sex, caffeine, gambling, sexual abuse, sports, love, shopping, chronic illness, codependency, internet, compulsive lying, money, junk food, church, nicotine, overeating, talking, credit cards, pain, cell phones and texting, drugs, physical abuse, television, emotional abuse, prescription meds, games, pornography, and work. Some of these sound dumb but if they have a vice on you or dictate most of your time then it’s addiction. Some aren’t so bad, some are the unspeakables. When I read that list I was like “Whaaat?” Really never thought of most of those. I’m not saying run and get help, but some people do get help with some of that.. It just kinda gives you a little light of what some people have an addiction to. Some of those we can’t do without and are harmless, some we don’t need in our lives. Addiction is not a scarce thing, a lot of people can relate to something on that list.
It’s Yayo. It’s getting cold outside now and I want to urge parents to look up car seat safety this winter. I lost my 3 year old stepson in a wreck and his mom and sister too, a little over a year ago he wasn’t in a car seat nor a seat belt. Don’t put your children in a car seat with a thick winter coat. With some coats you’ll have to loosen the seat belt. I know it gets cold but I don’t want ANY parent/guardian to feel that pain. If you put them in without the coat after you’ve adjusted it to the coat you’ll notice how loose it is. That’s room for your child to fly out. My stepson was thrown 30 ft from the vehicle. I DO NOT want to be gruesome or scare you, but accidents happen no matter how good of a driver you are, maybe someone else isn’t. Use a blanket over the seat belt for warmth or put the coat draped over, it’s a very minor inconvenience compared to that pain. I know this is off what I normally write, but if I can save just one more parent from the pain then it was worth it. Please share this little information to help protect the kiddos. Merry Christmas.