Reception date 06/09/2016 (at the prison) – today’s date 12/06/2016 – However she has been locked up for over a year now. And well meaning friends say “She’s in the best place for her – I mean it’s really saved her life”, when they just don’t know that what she would really like is to have a letter or even just $5 from them to buy a box of tampons because, well – she doesn’t have a pot to piss in and then they tell me how buying a Roku and getting basic cable could really save me a fortune – fuck! I can’t afford either one!
Don’t get me wrong – I understand how fortunate I am to have her alive. To have her growing in her knowledge of self every single day – but even Black Eyes (her case manager) says there comes a point when doing time simply becomes detrimental – So I ask: How long should she be locked up? 1 year? 2? 3? How long do my friends and family want my daughter and me to be punished and humiliated? – I guess I will never know these answers.
But I keep reminding myself, every minute when necessary, that she and I are exactly where the Universe wants us to be. And not to let things get us down because they just don’t matter – what does matter is what we know and what we know is this: the Universe is a delicate balance, and when we continue on the path, don’t stray from what is good and right, we will get to the true destination at the precise time. Forcing things just slows it all down. And I don’t know about you, but I am seriously tired of being the one throwing a wrench in the machinery. Here’s to finally just going with the flow. Patience actually is a virtue, who knew?
I always feel like somebody’s watching me …
“In typical paranoid ideas of reference, the person feels that murmurings and mutterings he hears as he walks past a street … burst of laughter behind his back at some joke cracked at him. When one gets to know such a person more than superficially, one often discovers that what tortures him is not so much his delusions of reference but his harrowing suspicions that he is of no importance to anyone, that no one is referring to him at all.”
This hit home and is probably more true than I know. I always did for other people in the game but for no other reason than to validate me as something (collusion) and the moment I got locked up it was out of sight out of mind. My best friend in the game stopped answering his phone the first week I got locked up and for some reason I still didn’t want to think I was that easily forgotten. When you use others to validate your self what happens when you’re all alone? It’s uncomfortable at first, you get desperate and try vehemently to control the entire pod of 24 girls for fear of not being in the forefront of their brain anymore but when they talk behind your back you put on a charade of anger when in all actuality its better than them not talking about you at all.
It wasn’t until I got in the DOC pod (a lock down cell pod) that I had a cell to myself and started seeing myself as separate and not them as an extension of me. I now look back and realize how exhausting it was to live like that and the main question on my mind now isn’t “have I achieved notoriety in the game?” but “I wonder if I’m even compatible with any of my friends anymore?” It feels like a whole new world that I will be released into and my shift in perspective makes it brand new and exciting.
Happy Birthday Myra!
Friday was Myra’s B-Day and I hate that she had to have it here but because she did I 2 for 1’d some duplex creme cookies (cheap state cookies that are one side vanilla and one side chocolate) and made her a cake. Let me explain how this works for you guys at home. You twist open the cookie (it’s just like an Oreo) and scrape the icing into a bowl by itself and put ALL the cookies halves in another bowl with a packet of oatmeal and some coke or sprite and make a cake batter. Put that in the microwave for 3-4 minutes and while it’s cooking mix the icing with some Hershey’s syrup and a tsp of peanut butter and put it on the cake and voila it’s a prison birthday cake! Then I colored her a picture that says “totally.fucking.epic” and a bunch of us sang Happy Birthday to her and Yayo & myself ate cake with her.
❤ Trap Girl
So I feel I don’t talk about my friends Trap Girl and Myra enough. They are good to me, they understand my struggles in here because some are the same. We play cards every now and again but we are all a little stubborn and we don’t like losing so we kinda stray from that interaction. haha. I do love and respect their personalities and can relate. Me and Trap Girl know some of the same people and so we have that in common. Myra is my bunkie and last night she was dangling her feet in my face taunting me so I tried to bite her feet. lol. Also me and Myra were walking the oval yesterday or the day before kinda swapping our childhood stories. We have had a difficult road but I feel that has made us stronger people. Trap Girl and I are goofy together too. One day we were mimicking cats trying to cough up a hairball. It started about a cat hissing but turned to that and we were rolling. We love to laugh. Trap Girl has helped me more than she is aware by just listening to my story , putting up with my crap, and morale too. I appreciate both those girlies. Later for now. Wahlea
We’re Not Gonna Take It!!!
Alright so after 2 years of running pretty hard they caught me and I spent a few days in jail then I made bond on my DUI. I went to a couple of court dates paid a fine or two and then fell into drugs pretty hard and went on the run again! This time I ran for about a year and went through the same thing again! I did that 2 more times until February of this year when I was driving in Grove with no license and got pulled over for a broken tail light and then charged with all kinds of new stuff. Thankfully all misdemeanors, but this time I found myself with a bond I didn’t want to pay. I tried to get rehab, but the judge and the DA wouldn’t even hear of it. They said, nope – that I was goin to prison! So here I am – just waiting for them to open those gates and let me out! I’m trying to keep myself busy, I just finished an OSHA class, and I will be starting Keys to Life next week along with volunteering in the kitchen until my boss gets back so I can go back to the Beauty Shop and all the working out that we do! I believe between the building of our minds and bodies that what we’re doing in here along with our determination to never get stuck in this situation again, The Trapped Girls are gonna take this next chapter of our lives by storm!
They count us while we’re sleeping. They count us when we’re awake. Not one stirs not even a mouse. It’s count time for goodness sakes!
We are expected to be up and productive during the day having jobs and what not, but at the same time be on our bunks or at our designated areas for count. Counts are scheduled like so; 7:30, 10:00, 2:00, 6:00, 7:30, 9:00, then, every hour while we sleep until morning. Almost all of them last about an hour long except the 1st 7:30 count and the last 9:30 count. The last one is what they call standing ID count when the CO goes around and we say our last name and DOC number. We are supposed to be on our bunks and quiet 5 minutes before count is to begin. This doesn’t always happen. Like the scatter of cockroaches at a flip of a light switch, females run quickly to their bunks at the sight of an officer when its time for counts. We’re not supposed to talk or go to the bathroom until 45 minutes after the count has started. Counts make me a very tired person throughout the day and I’m already a night person as it is. The problem with that is the yard closes at dark which is after the ? (sorry, I couldn’t read the writing) o’clock count so I miss out on a lot of stuff. The best time for me to get anything done is between the 7:30 and 10:00 count. After that, I’m down for the day except to eat. Which is not an easy task because they want us up doing things during the day. I manage though every day. Counts are to help the guards keep track of all us inmates. So when a count takes longer than normal we know it’s because somebody is not accounted for. But at the end of the day we are all here ….. Unfortunately.