With the holidays on the way I endeavor to get up to date with the blog – the women are prolific with their writing, and I am falling behind in too many areas. I am having to put too many things on hold – but not losing hope that the real world is a kinder place than it appears. My goal for the ministry has hit a few snags, but I do not give up – I have been called a bulldog on a few occasions, although I sulk and look in the mirror optimistic it isn’t a dig at my looks – I will simply carry on with intent. In this episode we find Trap Girl a little “skirred” of the real world – because – afer all, it is a little scary.
FYI: HWR is Helping Women Recover, a 4 month rehab program; paper time is having to report to a probation officer for a certain amount of time upon release.
I’m over half way through HWR and I feel amazing and a lot more capable of coping with situations in the real world. I’ve been really hard on myself about if or when I leave here and go to lower security. It seems that I’m so afraid of being able to trust my habitual self and that I’m going to do the wrong thing. You hear people say stupid shit like “It’s all I know” and it is stupid, but it’s familiar and you know what to expect. I excel very well in prison, I’m a natural leader and because it’s structured I don’t have as much opportunity for criminal thinking because everything is provided for me and on Eddie’s yard there’s just not much “game” going on. However, at lower security the possibilities are endless and at least once a week a girl comes back here in cuffs and street clothes from lower security or an ankle monitor because of drugs or going hard in the game. As it stands right now I can discharge from here on November 1st, 2017 without paper time but I may be eligible for parole, an ankle monitor or lower security before then and I am not sure if I can trust my habitual self to stay on the track that I’m on here because the world in here is SO MUCH EASIER!
If I don’t try I will never find out if I would fail but why discharge with paper time on an ankle monitor or go to lower security where it might increase my chances of coming back here anyway when I can just stay here 10 more months and have no paper time. I think I would personally rather play it safe than just hope that these coping skills that I’ve created in a vacuum work properly in the real world! I’ve got 2 months to sharpen these coping skills in HWR before I have to make any kind of decision about lower security, for once I have patience. Thanks Universe!
❤ Trap Girl
A child growing up doesn’t scream from the roof tops, “I wanna be incarcerated or a junkie or homeless when I grow up!” Yet, that’s where some of us sit. I am one of those individuals. They wanna be doctors, lawyers, firemen or women, computer programmers & gamers, etc. But we grow making choices and depending on what path we take develops the kind of person we become. A tattoo, a piercing; if we swipe left or right – it all becomes part of our personality; who we are. Some people want to go back and change those decisions that didn’t turn out just right. But me, I don’t live in regret. Everything is a learning experience, and although some of my choices have landed me here in prison, my life can become much more because of it. This has become another piece of the puzzle I call my life.
I’ve met many interesting women who have become my neighbors. All kinds of different personalities. Different cultures; short and tall; young and old. Women forming different cliques that band together and become one another’s family, experiencing each others hardships and triumphs. Taking care of each other while separated from the ones we love most in this world.
While we’re getting our minds right we are encouraged to learn some skills from the few programs that are provided. If you’re gonnna be here for awhile a college degree is possible through Conners State College. So never fear loved ones, we are getting back some of the brain cells lost to drug addiction and alcohol abuse. Also, required from us is having a job, DOC’s version of a sweat shop. Hard work for low to no wages. And all the while being on our designated bunks every 2 hours for count – a body is lost from time to time and a recount goes into effect. And always as a reminder – “There are opposite gender working all housing units. 🙂”
You know I’ve had this crazy thought ever since I got here … who thought it was a good idea to put a bunch of criminals together in one place? It reminds me of the movie Blow when Johnny Depp’s character goes to prison the first time he says, “I went in with a minor in marijuana and came out with a PhD in cocaine”. We learn what others did, and keep that in mind the next time we decide to do dumb shit – it’s what not to do!
No seriously, that’s not always the case, some people truly use this experience to improve their way of thinking for better decisions in the future so we don’t end up back here. Prison is another milestone in my life that is developing my character.
Hey, it’s Yayo. What’s been heavy on my heart here lately is my husband and the holidays. Both are touchy subjects but I can honestly say I am learning how to properly cope with them. I talked to my husband the other day for an hour and a half and it was pleasant … we’ve been separated for 3 years now and each have a child out of wedlock. We didn’t say we would get back together but we are gonna be friends again and that’s a huge step. I mean I married him as soon as I was 18, he was my high school sweet heart and, shit happens … Obviously at one point he was my best friend so I missed his companionship. We’ll see where it goes from here. Now Holidays. I am learning to cherish every single chance I get to talk to or see my kids. I took so much for granted due to my own self consumption and my addiction. I am ready to show my children that they are my one and only worry and while I’m going to miss this Halloween (today) and Thanksgiving and Christmas and my 4 year old’s 5th birthday it’s gonna be the last birthday I’m gonna miss. I know it’s gonna suck as these special days pass but I’m bettering myself. I wanna be the mom I was before my addiction. I wanna show my girls they are worth more than ANYONE or ANYTHING. I wanna show my son he is the only man I need for awhile. I’m tired of unhealthy relationships; I want a man who treats me like I should be and not beating the sh*t outta me. I wanna wish everyone a happy safe Halloween, I know you’re gonna read this after Halloween but oh well. I’m anxious for these upcoming holidays because as they pass it’s a step closer I am to being well again, its one step closer to freedom and I just absolutely cannot wait for that!!! I am still learning some coping skills to stay sober. One step at a time.
So I don’t think I’m really ready to put my past on here yet but I do believe I can go into how this “Trapped Girl” began. Um, let’s see, OK, in 2010 I was leaving a bar on the Oklahoma/Arkansas line, which I don’t remember really being at … the last place I remember being that evening was the Cherokee Casino … anyhow, we (a so called friend and I) left the bar traveling west on 412 about 2:00 in the morning, we made it to the bottom of Flint Hill just outside Lil Kansas and I went off the right side of the road, overcorrected to the left and somehow parked my 2004 Grand Prix in the top of some trees! I to this day don’t really remember much, what little I know about that night’s events either came back in flashes weeks later or others filled in the blanks along the way. OK, so I guess the girl that was with me climbed down out of the car and realized she had forgotten her stuff so she climbed back in the car as I was begging her to help me out cuz there was something pinning my legs in and I couldn’t get out. She grabbed what she could find and ran away from the wreck … leaving me alone. She said she ran to a friend of ours in Oaks before she saw the ambulance come about 4:30! My first memories were at the Siloam Springs Hospital when the doctor was trying to put my dislocated hips back in place and the Highway Patrol was screaming profanities at me telling me how lucky I was to be alive! So apparently it took the First Responders about 45 minutes to get me out with the Jaws of Life and then they still had to get me down out of the trees … so I spent 5 days in the hospital, well the 2nd hospital because they didn’t have a bone doctor that could put my hips back in place at the 1st one! I had a broken tibia, 12 staples in my elbow, dislocated hips, a concussion and messed up my rotator cuff! And I had single handedly destroyed my life by walking out on my family to go out and party that night! It took 2 years for them to get me in an actual court room! More later – so stay tuned! 🙂 Myra