I try not to get too hung up on “the world isn’t fair”, but this has just been one of those days. Gus died. He was the only foal I’ve known from birth – horses are magical and he was far too young. I certainly didn’t know him anywhere near as well as Ashley (his owner, with whom I have a great friendship), but I feel him in my heart; and my heart is broken today. In all their strength and power, horses are fragile; and because they are majestic and wild, earning their trust feels incredibly sacred. Losing Gus is unfair because he embodied such joy, was only 5 and gave so much to anyone who met him; he is missed. The world feels so desperately unfair today because I grieve alone. Yes, I could easily go bother friends or commiserate with family – but that wouldn’t truly alleviate my loneliness. It’s times like these when I hate how unfair the world is … but it’s also times like these that remind me to be grateful for joy.
PS – I thought I would share a picture of a wonderful memory with Gus ❤
Learning How to Live Again
I keep thinking that this has to be a joke. That it’s not real, it can’t be this easy. Prison can’t be this easy. It’s more like a Mental Hospital mixed with an Orphanage, although there are large cement plaques (that look like grave markers) at the front of this prison that say “School for the Deaf Dumb and Blind” and “Orphanage” so it makes sense that it would feel this way.
When you hear about prison it’s supposed to be a scary place, somewhere you’re afraid to go. I wasn’t too afraid. I figured any place that had a lot of drugs and hustling couldn’t be that bad. That’s what’s called a cognitive distortion, a skewed point of view that encourages anti social behavior. Since I’ve gotten into my program (Helping Women Recover) I’ve been assessed, diagnosed and been given a treatment plan. Assessment: Problems with Criminal Power Orientation, PTSD and Drug Addiction.
Diagnosis: Narcissistic & Anti-Social Personality (Basically a self absorbed Sociopath)
Treatment Plan: Pro-Social Behavior Modification, Anger Management & Relapse Prevention.
It’s all going very well, my behavior modification … before incarceration I needed constant stimulation to stop me from feeling. I needed dope, hustling, violence, control to stop me from remembering that I was out of control. I’m white trash and I’m in trouble … but I’m learning how to live again, I’m learning how to read faces and body language instead of forcing my will on people because I know they’ll take it. Because there’s no punking in prison, the weak aren’t afraid of the strong, at least not to my knowledge. That’s why it can’t be this easy … I am starting to feel some guilt though, all the people I screwed over before prison; I am making a moral and fearless inventory and I’m documenting my life in prison. Being in a drug induced coma always shows people in a hospital unable to move and dead to the world. I was in a drug induced coma and I was in South Side OKC, moving constantly and ineffectively, but also dead to the world. I feel like I’m still coming out of it, feeling smarter every day, except for the days that I’m not.
❤ Trap Girl
It’s Yayo. Man I have been so emotional here lately. I’m not sure why but the other day I cried watching the news. Anyone who knows me knows I don’t just break out crying for no reason at all. I was like oh no, I have to go lay down. This being around females 24/7 is messing me up. Lol! Maybe it’s just because of the holidays but man everything is getting under my skin. It’s also getting closer to the time I get to sign up for my program. I am so nervous I won’t get in so I am gonna give it to God. Please pray for me because Helping Women Recover is an amazing 4 month program and after I finish it I get to go home!!! I’m ready to hold my babies and never let go. I want to work this program for everything its worth so I can use those skills to stay sober. Even thinking about going home gets me. I am going to restart my 12 steps here soon. You can never work them too many times. Maybe they’ll help me get over this emotional state I’m in. Maybe I’ll just overcome it on my own. I can almost see my goal and I just cannot wait. I miss my family. Please pray for me that I will get into this HWR class that’s coming up because then I’ll go home in late April or early May and my Birthday is May 28th. Until later guys. ❤
Man oh man! There are so many dang lines in prison. A line to eat, a line to take your pills, a line for microwaves and showers too. Especially the showers – 90 women, 6 showers, 4 ½ hours … Mayhem. Pandemonium. Chaos. You know how crazy we women are. You can only imagine how backed up it gets. One thing I miss the most is baths and someone not coming in and asking, “After you?” I just hate that or can I poop in peace? I miss those little luxuries in here. These females are ready to scratch out your eyes and pull some hair over them showers. I can’t wait to get home and soak and use a 5 or 6 blade razor. Ugh … that sounds AMAZING. You can just imagine. – Yayo
Holiday Boxes! It’s where our families can order us items that we normally can’t get on canteen. I hope my sister can swing it. I can’t wait. I’m on the second book of the Mortal Series, it’s an amazing read, I recommend to anyone who likes book about Apocalypse. Not zombies really. It’s by Ted Dekker and Tosca Lee, the 1st book is Forbidden, then Mortal, then Sovereign. During my count time I like to read. I like mystical, scence fiction and horror. I love to read about mind control, cults, Hitler, mass murderers … so on, because human behavior interests me. I want to major in psychology when I go to college, and when I’m released I want to be a drug and alcohol counselor. I mean, who better to help an addict recover than one who has already recovered, right? That’s my theory anyway. We’ll see if that’s a realistic goal when I get out and go back to school.
And – by no means am I saying I support Hitler or any mass murderer or cult, but the psychology behind it is what sparks my interest. I’ve been told even with my drug charges that I can be a drug counselor so I’m gonna look into it and hopefully pursue that goal. I know all about that life and the dangers of it along with the abuse that can come from that lifestyle as well. I want to give back to my community and my peers by helping them overcome their addiction, hopefully before prison. I just want to show them there is a life outside of drugs and that someone does care about them and their well being. Nobody showed me that. I wish they would have. Any amount of care goes a long way. I’m not here to judge anyone because I’ve been there, I don’t want to go back. I always felt judged because I was strung out. I feel like nobody wanted to help me, they looked at me with disappointment and disgust. I also want to get into physical/sexual abuse classes because I’ve been there and I want to help. It happens to men and women, old and young. No one deserves that. Luckily I have my CDIB (Certificate Degree of Indian Blood) so they’ll help send me back to school thank God, or my dreams would only be dreams.
Tuesday’s gone, it’s hump day “I messed up, I’ll do better next time.” What kind of statement is that? I am not 5 nor am I beneath a single person here, inmate or employee. There are days I feel caged and poked at. Maybe I stick out like a sore thumb, because I don’t belong in this gray. All I can say is, “I messed up, I’ll do better next time.”
Today is D-Day. Pearl Harbor was bombed and 12 years ago today a baby boy, K.C.J., was born @ 5 lb 10 oz. It’s one of those things you pray about and tell yourself “Out of sight, Out of mind.” Thank you for this being the last birthday away.
Are we the world’s trash or His precious Jewels? As I learn tools, I battle with … is this easy or could I become complacent. My food is cooked and served 3 times a day. My laundry is cleaned and hand delivered. My messes are cleaned, if I choose to walk away from them.
I humbly ask to be changed and molded into the best me I can be. I follow your orders and continue to submit. All the time my inner man screams “Let me out! Let me out!” Grateful for the present, for sobriety, for wool blankets and hot showers. Today I’m grateful for a healthy mind and being refined.
Butterflies are free, can’t keep me.
Jesus Loves Outlaws