18. Hindsight is 20/20

 

This letter from Trap Girl is a bit dated – I wish I had published it when her lawyer died during Thanksgiving, but oh well. Hindsight is 20/20 as they say. In other news: Jesus Loves Outlaws is in need of a new alarm clock (hers broke), it’s only $11 – but for someone who makes $8.50 per month and tampons cost $7 … you can do the math, but that’s gonna take her awhile. Anyone willing to help out would be greatly appreciated. I’m willing to pay the transfer fee of $6.00 to send her the money – seriously; I swear this is a damn racket.  I will gladly give contact info, or use the Trap Girl snail mail – just go to the home page using the 3 bar icon at the top and click on Random Acts of Kindness – Thanks!
❤ Teresa

 

It’s Thanksgiving and I am feeling really sentimental about being home because I took being home for granted when I was there, I always wanted to be moving and hustling. Last Thanksgiving I was with someone and went to his sister’s for Christmas, the person I partnered with to sell things tried to get me to go home to my mom’s on Christmas and just take a day off! My mom even called John to talk me into going home and he really did try but I still wouldn’t and then made a special trip to the city instead of going home. The year before that on Christmas I was delivering to people in a Tahoe on “22’s listening to SPM and wouldn’t slow down for shit then either. I didn’t even understand at that time that the people I was around didn’t give a shit about me either because when I went to jail and called them they wouldn’t do shit for me. I used to remember this WAY differently than I do now.

I wish I would have accepted the help Fred and Mom so desperately tried to give me. I wish I would have told the people I was around to “Fuck off” and left that stupid shit behind, it was blood $, I wasn’t accomplishing anything and I could have gotten killed doing the shit I was doing. I’m not sure I was proving to anyone that I was someone on my own doing the shit I was doing because I could barely survive. My dad would have been disappointed because he taught me to take care of my legal shit and don’t let the drugs do you! I was just proving that I could be an immature fuck up and I’m so embarrassed by my behavior and how it affected my family including the people I love in Wanette, OK.

I wish I could spend these Holidays with my mom and this time not just to appease her but to make my Holidays finally stand for something other than dumb crankster gangster bullshit! I can’t think of anywhere I would rather be than with my mom listening to music, doing MadLibs, drinking a glass of wine and having cheese and crackers. I want that so bad it hurts right now. I’m teetering on depression trying to understand my logic and how badly I must have hurt Travis’s feelings, my mom’s feelings, what my family must have thought about when I was doing this shit! How did I feel so smug that I ACTUALLY wasn’t fucking up because the charges didn’t stick? That was in spite of me not because of me!

My dad died and it was like I wanted his legacy. I know that I wouldn’t be where I’m at today if I hadn’t been where I was, but I wish I would have learned it sooner. Not exactly for myself but for other people I have hurt. I have apologized to my mom, Grandma, Jacob’s mom, Jacob, Jaedan and I’m eager to get out there and make up for lost time with the people I love and the people that actually love me back. I wasted too much time seeking approval of people that live by the motto “outta sight outta mind” and people whose loyalty was sack deep. It is a slap in the face to the people who do love me and I really owe it to them and myself to “pull my fucking head out of my ass” as my lawyer would say. Fred R.I.P.

Trap Girl

 

This trapped girl is going through some things. I’m reaching out for some feedback.

In the past I have made bad decisions – Duh, I’m here! I was hard to get along with but I’ve always been the peace maker. I’m at a point in my life that as long as I am okay with me, that’s enough.

My problem is this … I have a sibling that is selfish, lazy, full of deceit, and unforgiveness. The world and everybody in it owes her – she’s unemployed, lives off the government and all the other fools that will pay her way. “Thank you to all you tax payers, you keep a roof over her head and food stamps in her pocket.”

I’ve always had to work my tail off just to survive. I couldn’t get lucky enough to get any freebies. And I’m not good at suckering folks. I refuse to sit and wait around on someone to take care of me.

My dilemma is this – Even though she’s family, should I write her off? She’s done many evil things towards me. And, through it all, I forgive her – I still forgiver her, Do I forgive and write her off or show her the way a Christ centered person should be? Tough Love? Keep her at a distance?

This is hard; I don’t have much family, blood kin anyway. Sometimes I feel like I’ll be acting just as evil as she does if I write her off. My time here is near the end and I just want to have the love of my family over flowing. Restoration!

I’m going to lift this up, give it all to God and pray about it.

Any feedback? I need all the advice I can get. I thank y’all.

Oh yeah, I just want to say Thank you so much to all the viewers, readers and donators.

It’s very encouraging to know our writings don’t go unread and that we possibly inspire others.

I am inspired by all the viewers, readers, donators.

Glory to Good.

“We are overcome by the blood of the Lamb and the words of our testimony.” Rev 12:11

 

You know, it’s crazy how all the childhood stories consist of the Big Bad Wolf and he’s always the bad guy. The Bible talks about that same wolf. Wolf in sheep’s clothing”?

As long as I’ve been trapped there are days I want to be that wolf that’s after those 3 little piggies. Bacon, Pork Chops! Those poor Lil’ pigs. “Eat more chicken” Ha! That’s hilarious, our main meat here is “beaks and buttholes” chicken! I got to get out of here! Fly this coop! LOL

I pray for peace around our nation.

Soon enough I’ll be gone, these people can’t keep me cause

Butterflies are free.

Jesus Loves Outlaws

Hey out there to all my faithful lookers …. I’m feeling like a trapped girl today. No adventure and not much new happening. I’ve been consumed in college and working in education. I’m on a mission to keep a positive outlook on the situation, no matter what it is.. I found out today my judicial review was denied. That’s a real bummer but I won’t lose hope, and my spirit won’t be broken. What is broken is my alarm clock… It took a dump, no longer buzzing. Ha! $11 piece of I need a new one. That’s causing much chaos in my life. I don’t like being late or having to rush. It’s been a hindrance to my A.M. exercise. Please help me out there. I’m the one wearing the sign that says “Ask me if I need help.” I’m such an independent that I have the hardest time asking. If anybody wants to donate to the cause I would totally be grateful and appreciative. I can’t wait to blow this joint. I’m coming back here when I get out, only in some fly clothes and combat boots. I want to give all these ladies hope to a better future. I want them to know what GOD has done for me and what He will also do for them. No matter my circumstance there’s always beauty in ashes and I have Christ to thank. Seriously no matter what happens DOC can’t keep me because butterflies are free. And Jesus Loves Outlaws, Yea that’s me!!!! Thanks again for all the lookers, readers, and responders……  Til next blog keep your head up and remember Jesus loves you…

 

My name’s Yayo and I’m an addict. I want to let everyone know I got into my program so that means I’m one step closer to home! Alright, I’m on step 5; it’s about admitting and hearing our higher power speak to us. It says: Admitted to God, to ourselves and to others the exact nature of our wrongs. This is about deflating our ego and owning up to our mistakes. If we come to know how our wrong thinking affects others, then maybe we can change that part of ourselves in our addictions. Me personally, I’m an enabler and co-dependent in having people need me. I like that feeling of superiority. I know that sounds sick but when I break it down that’s what it boils down to. I think this goes for almost any drug dealer at one point or another. I want to relinquish this area of my life. I want to be in charge of my own family and that’s it. I don’t want to live that life any longer. I have great moral support out there in the world and I’m gonna go back to school and work on myself. So I won’t get back in that lifestyle. I have some golden opportunities ahead of me that I’m gonna jump on.

Yayo

 

Every day I hear someone talking about how well off their family is. Whoever said these were hard times must not have had a trust fund at home. I personally come in here with nothing and must rely on myself for any wants I get. I mean, I have had some much appreciated help on this journey, but for the most part I supply most of the things needed to get me by in this place. But let’s be real, I’ve never had anything just given to me. I’m not sure whether it’s a good thing or a bad thing to have everything you’ve ever wanted in life. I think it would leave someone not appreciating the small but very powerful things presented to a person. Then to be in prison and completely taken care of – I feel like it hinders more than helps. So I guess, in my opinion, to have everything you want – not need – but want, will probably end very badly, because you’re never learning to take care of yourself. I may never have a TV or radio or a mattress a foot thick that costs $150, but I sure as hell have the things that I need and sometimes when my angel blesses me I have some that I want. This is where I’m supposed to say God is good – all the time!

Mclinda

Some people are just plain slimy. It doesn’t matter where they are. I have the privilege of working in the laundry on the midnight shift, and I enjoy the escape from females tremendously. Keeps me out of all the bullshit drama that goes on around here. But sometimes it comes my way anyway. So, I had a situation occur last night, a girl was going to lower security and asked me if I would wash her clothes so she wouldn’t be taking dirty ones with her. I said I would because it wasn’t a big deal. So she brings her clothes and I put them on the shelves. I was the only one working so when I left the room there was nobody in there. And that’s when it happened. I didn’t know it at the time, but a different girl got in her bag and stole a pair of pants with pockets that are state issue! I mean, who steals state issued pants, pockets or no pockets?! It’s absurd. So, not knowing that pants were taken out, not knowing there were pants in there at all, I washed the said bag and returned it to the owner. Now, this morning after my shift and hours after I returned the bag, a friend of the girl’s came and asked me where the pocket pants were. I told her I didn’t wash any pocket pants but she was so certain she had put them in there. So I went around asking if they found some pants that didn’t belong to them, knowing the whole time that I did not wash them, everyone said no, of course. So I go to breakfast and come back hoping that the pants had been found but they weren’t until they were spotted on the ass of the other girl who took them from the bag before I put it in the wash. I mean, the nerve of some people. Not only did she steal them, she strutted around in them so the girl could see. See what happens here in prison, we get so bored or some are so pathetic they resort to stealing state issue pants and then wear them without them even being washed. Solves some of the mystery of the yeast infection, doesn’t it. And whoever said there’s no honor among thieves? So sure, right.

Mclinda

 

Good Morning Everyone! 🙂 This is Bubbles again. I’m hoping everyone is doing well today. Let me tell y’all that my morning is truly going splendidly. So, we had a meeting this morning for everyone that had “dorm jobs”. I was doing dorm floors, sweeping and mopping Mon – Thurs; now I’ve been promoted to midnight shift dorm laundry. I’m so blessed and excited! Also, I’ll be re-taking my TABE test today also. I’m so glad God has answered my prayers about me being worthless and not having enough to do while I’m waiting for the next group to start. Another blessing is that I move to level 3 next month 🙂 Today is definitely turning out to be a TERRIFIC DAY!!

Well my day ended GREAT!! I received some more Bible studies last night. I decided not to re-take my TABE test till next week. I don’t want to get overwhelmed. Anyways, I hope everyone has a good night. Talk to y’all later, Bye 🙂

Good Afternoon Everyone 🙂 This is Bubbles again. I woke up blessed and in a Wonderful mood today 🙂

I’m currently sittin’ outside writing y’all. It’s a bit windy, but the sun is out. Anyways, I’ve been tryin’ to evaluate myself! And so far, I’ve discovered that I’m a “likable” person. I’m also willing to help out anyone who needs help, which in here that could definitely be a bad decision! There are a few individuals, that when I need something they’re more than willing to help me out, and I sooo much appreciate them for having a kind heart. I’ve also learned that I can control my anger more than what I thought. I’ve had some very trying situations lately and instead of me handling situations angrily and immaturely, I’ve just basically let it go! There’s nothing in this prison worth losing my freedom for any longer than what I already have. I just want to get as much outta this punishment and group as I can!! POSITIVE STUFF ONLY!! LOL 🙂 Anyways, I’m a work in progress! I’m striving to do whatever I can to better myself. And I believe I can achieve my goals as long as I stay focused and stay away from unnecessary situations, drama and people. And most of all, Trust in God and I won’t be disappointed. Here are some more quotes for y’all.

Even a turtle must stick out its neck if it wants to move ahead. God will show you the general direction you must travel, but the specifics of the journey are up to you.

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Thus says the Lord your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel: I am the Lord your God, who teaches you to profit, who leads you by the way you should go.     Isiah 48:17

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The largest room in the World is the room for improvement.

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And that you, always having all sufficiency in all things, may have an abundance for every good work.

      II Corinthians 9:8

17. Anonymously Devoted To You

Trap Girl and her posse have come through a lot. She has begun teaching a class on Domestic Violence. No, not how to perpetrate it; how to get through the mental abuse aspects of it. Classes of this type generally have an attendance of roughly 15 to 20. I am happy to report her first class had 28, the second 29 and the third had 34. She is a born leader and now is taking after her mom (me) and is also a fabulous teacher as well. Yep, all fact, no brag. In other news … I continue to hope her appeal for a court appointed lawyer goes through. We did finally get a letter from the firm stating that since her lawyer was deceased her representation had ended. Well, that seemed obvious.
Teresa

Anonymously Devoted To You … 12-10-16

Here at Eddie Warrior we have an epidemic of spineless proportions. People are filling out staff requests telling other people’s business and aren’t signing them but sticking them under our case manager’s door damn near everyday! From my knowledge they’re allegations ranging from relationships between inmates to who was or wasn’t doing their job on the weekend when the case manager wasn’t here. Initially I think the case manager tried to address these false allegations but quickly realized that no one could face their accuser so really it was a punk ass bitch that just wanted to get other people in trouble. Yesterday our case manager made a dorm announcement saying “If you’re woman enough to fill out a staff request and slide it under my door you need to be woman enough to sign your name otherwise I’m throwing it away” and proceeded to rip up the most recent piece of rat shit that she received! Sadly there are so many Master Splinters in female prison that I can’t narrow down the culprit but what could I do if I did? I can’t necessarily “catch a fair one” or snatch her in the shower without losing my level, my days, my program all to try to “beat honor” into some spineless fucking rat! I wish females would realize we get SO much further being assertive and sticking together than by being back biting vindictive cunts, but we continually prove society right by confirming that we are the weaker, stupider more trivial sex. No foresight havin’ mother fuckers!

Goodnight and have a Wonderful Eddie Warrior Day

 

Happy Happy, Joy Joy … 1-7-17

I have been feeling stagnant lately and can’t get out of this spiritual depression. I’ve been trying to do my tarot cards and working on me but, it seems that without the therapy I’m not having any progress.

I realize a shift in perspective can make me feel stagnant when really I’m not but I don’t feel like that’s what’s going on. My case manager has said that there’s only so long a person can be locked up and learn from it before becoming institutionalized takes effect. I’m not claiming institutionalization by any means, but I do have an aggressive personality, I already lack empathy and I’m gaining no more coping skills for the time being. I do start teaching domestic violence tonight and I’m excited to see where that leads because I know that it will help me in terms of empathy and aggression and Monday Mrs. Moore will be back from vacation and we will get the new HWR cohort going and I will get to actually assume my leadership position and just by writing this I have cheered myself up and I feel more positive.

Goodnight and have a wonderful Eddie Warrior Day!

❤ Trap Girl

 

A funny thing I’ve noticed about inmates/addicts, we tend to go from one extreme to another. We got to always be doin’ the most and always getting’ it, don’ it – whatever it is – we have to have it! So when we come to prison it’s no different. We can’t get our drug of choice so easily in here so some of us switch “our demons” – that’s what I call it anyway.  And that new obsession that is seen all over the yard is exercise. Yes, you read correctly. These women go all out with daily routines that most of us would never thought of doing out on the streets getting’ high. I believe it’s the same with our buddies from Jess Dunn and all the other male holding facilities, but the guys tend to wanna build muscle while we women wanna keep the weight off we gain when we are forced to quit drugs/alcohol. There are activities offered in our gym that I personally take advantage of, step aerobics, Zumba, yoga and low impact. The last one is for the core of our bodies which consists of watching Taebo videos and a few different others. I like doing the structured workouts about 4 times a week. Some of the other women work out all day – running around what we call the oval. It’s basically a track we go around in the middle of the compound. We use it to get everywhere there is to go here because we’re not supposed to walk on the grass. They tell us that 4 times around equals 1 mile. I know some women that walk it all day long and that’s in the literal sense. When I walk around the oval I feel like a hamster on its wheel. It’s going but it’s going nowhere fast. But, as I’m going nowhere fast, there are groups doing their own workout routine of planks, crunches, sit-ups, squats, and others I couldn’t even tell you what it was. And this goes on all day, too because we really have nothing better to do. There are other activities on the yard that help the ladies of Eddie Warrior stay in shape – there’s volleyball, I think as long as the yard stays open to general population – it’s played all year long, even in the cold. And the famous hacky-sack – hundreds of different women have hacky balls and play whenever they have a chance and they can get down through there with their mad hacky skills. It makes me wonder if the guys play the sport like the females do. Or do they have something different they play all the time? From one extreme to the next the addict in some of us has to have it … All of it. Whatever it is for the moment. In this case it’s Exercise.

Mclinda

Alright, my name’s Yayo and I’m gonna start my 12 steps over. The first is about admitting. It says: We admitted we were powerless over drugs, that our lives had become unmanageable. When I first started using I thought I was in total control. Strangely enough. I would say I can stop if I wanted to and then I never stopped, I don’t know if it’s because I couldn’t or didn’t want to. I mean, why would I? My life was just fine. Then I started losing things. Like for starters my marriage. My apartment. When all that was happening, I said I was giving it up but that was a bold face lie. I was spiraling out of control. I thought I was living it up. I also had a severe post partum depression after I found out my husband had cheated. I cannot however blame my actions on him. I have to admit that I went and chose to destroy my life. I admit I handled things all wrong, but I felt I deserved to have fun, live a little. I didn’t party that crazy in my teenage years. I got with my husband at 16, started buckling down. I did party but not hard. I felt robbed of my teenage years. Problem was I had children and I still decided to live that life. At the time I didn’t think it was unmanageable. Looking back I would have changed a lot of things. I went balls to the walls. I can now admit that I was dumb. I can now admit I ruined more lives than just mine by the drugs I sold. I was powerless.

My name’s Yayo and I’m a recovering addict. For anyone just tuning into our blog we are women from Oklahoma who are currently incarcerated. I have been sharing my journey with you guys. We love it when you like and share our journeys. Each struggle is different. I have already worked my 12 steps once and I’m starting them over. Also, anyone who donated we help indigent writers, but we aren’t begging. Alright now, I’m on step 2, It’s about believing: Came to believe that a power greater than myself could restore us to sanity. This was difficult for me. Everyone was saying let go let God. I didn’t want to let go, I want to control things. I want them my way. I felt like, where was God when I needed him. When I was at what I thought was rock bottom, I didn’t have a savior. I was expecting a divine power to swoop in like a Superman and make an immediate improvement. I wanted desperately to be saved. What I didn’t know was He did save me. Prison has saved my life. I was destroying myself. I hated myself. Nobody can destroy me like I can. I was broken beyond repair, or so I thought. I am repaired; I’m ready to be home and get my children and just live right. I’ve had to learn to let my higher power guide me on the path to recovery because my choices and my control got me here. When I pray I give it to God. I have learned that He did make an immediate change. Not the one I wanted of course, but I don’t think the lesson would have stuck any other way. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. I was insane obviously.  Only I can choose to stop that insanity. I believe that this was what saved my life.

*God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the knowledge to know the difference*

Hello, everyone 🙂 my name is Bubbles. I’m writing y’all today because, yet again my heavenly father has blessed me with the opportunity  to share my experience while I’m at prison. I would like to first and foremost thank Jesus Christ for saving my life. I would also like to express heavily to all the younger generation that it’s NOT cool to go to jail and/or prison!! I personally thought that being incarcerated was a “cool” thing to do. As I experienced being incarcerated I quickly found out that it wasn’t alright to go to jail. I’ve been given several chances throughout my life to NOT end up where I’m at now. I WAS miserable up until a week ago. Having no one to visit me, having no one to call, and having no one to put money on my account. Basically I was feeling lost, abandoned and most of all ALONE. I’m no longer feeling those emotions and feelings any longer. You’re probably wondering, “Why?” Well, let me tell you, “Why”. I found Jesus! And actually I just recently learned that Jesus has been with me this whole time, I just pushed Him away. Now what I’m doing is TRUSTING in GOD. 🙂 And by doing so, I’m never disappointed. Now, don’t get it twisted. I still have days that I feel worthless, and not worthy of anything. I just keep reminding myself that God has my back and He always is there for me, as long as I keep my mind and heart open for Him to be able to help me. I’m hoping this helps someone. I’ll be writing more in the future. 🙂 Thank you for taking the time out of your life to read this.

God Bless Everyone.