20. To Punk or Not to Punk

3/20/2017
The Vernal Equinox, Nowruz (New Year in Farsi) or the First Day of Spring – all terms for the same occasion, and also a very spiritual day in my opinion; a time for new beginnings and exactly one month before my daughter’s year review in front of “The Villains of Cleveland County”. My hope is for her release, for her new coping skills to hold under the pressure of the real world, that her mended wings have the strength to endure the stress of flying after being in a cage for such an extended period and that she has learned the lesson of patience the Universe has taught. Blessed Be Trap Girl, fly straight with intent and purpose.
I apologize in advance for how old the following blog posts are, Spring Cleaning led me to find these wonderful older writings and I had to share. I hope you enjoy them as much as I did when I discovered them. Namaste.
❤ Teresa

 

To Punk or Not to Punk …  (10-29-16   Nina Miller)

It seems like the only punking going on at Eddie Warrior’s is the guards to the inmates. Although I’m not a proponent of punking, I’m also not for “forcing” an equal playing field through authoritarian directive. This environment simulates an equal playing field for many guards as well as a few inmates aka “deputy no badges” to act out scenarios that previous to this environment would not have worked out in their favor. My main issue with punking does not lie with the person being punked but against the person doing the punking because (and this is true of me since childhood) it’s the weak person that picks an opponent even weaker than himself to impose his will upon and that type of cowardice deserves to be met with opposition of this task.

I have since changed my tactics though, for example in high school I singled out, threatened with physical violence and publicly shamed a girl for heckling an over-weight girl trying to “look cute” in a short skirt and heels. Recently, I was talking to a friend telling me about a girl that was hanging out with her and her boyfriend while they were making fun of her and she said, “The girl didn’t get we were making fun of her” to which I replied “maybe she did but really wanted to be accepted, maybe she disregarded this to belong” my friend asked why I was being mean to her about this and I explained to her that there was nothing attractive or cool about purposely hurting someone’s feeling or making them uncomfortable and nothing about that screams “I’m tough!” it just screams “I can pick on the minority when I’m the majority” which makes you the punk bitch that has an inferiority complex.

It’s human nature to test boundaries, but only doing so in a safe environment is simulated survival of the fittest meaning you’ve already deemed yourself unfit to test boundaries against any “fit” adversary. Leading me back to my initial point of corrections officers using this institution as a controlled environment to “rectify” past wrongs done to them in an uncontrolled past environment hence turning the punkees into the punkers. Yes, there’s power in numbers, but just like Goldilocks and the 7 Bibles it’s quality and not quantity that ACTUALLY matters. Poor delusional guards … It’s SIM Prison.

Goodnight and have a wonderful Eddie Warrior Day!

Trap Girl

 

Check in: 12-5-2016, only 3:47 am. Tell me why I feel sabotaged! (is that spelled correctly) Alarm set for 4:30 am. Time skewed or screwed with on my clock. I woke with many thoughts in mind. 1st Thanking our Maker for my living. 2nd, Loyalty here is something many of these trapped girls have confused, no skewed or screwed. To me Loyal is believing in something with such a desire that you stand by it, no bending – compared to man’s best friend, Dog. Even if man isn’t as loving to dog as dog is to man, dog still sits, fetches and bites as told. His desire is believing man will pat his head or scratch his back if done with preciseness. I’m feeling very caged this A.M. my A.D.D is out of control I’m back on the up of the mania, ready to blast tunes and run a marathon. I’m trying on an attitude of gratitude today. I have about 2 years sober now and I’m starting to feel truly healthy … my mind is on point, going 90 to nothing. Life is as precious as a flower seed – One day at a time is all I really need. Although I am trapped, I will cross the finish line. This is only temporary. A quick overview of the weekend. It passed swiftly. The Sooners won Bedlam – Go OU! As of today there’s 24 days left in our program. This place can’t keep me – butterflies are free.

5 Gratefuls:

Grateful for this blog

Grateful for this program.

Grateful for Loyal Dogs.

Grateful for the source that posts blogs.

Grateful for lessons learned from being a trapped girl.

Unsteady – By – X Ambassadors, the newest jam I heard over the weekend. Such a good song. I love music &

Jesus Loves Outlaws

 

Another Day more is another day less. Dec 10’2016 22:37

Let me take you on an adventure, Ay! First let me tell you about this amazing concoction that I’d like to call reindeer poop (prison no bakes) maple oatmeal, chocolate syrup, mixed nuts, a scoop of peanut butter and marshmallows. You can pick out the raisins from cereal and add also. Throw in the microwave about 1 minute, stir, mixing until mallows are melted … let chill – or eat warm. A sweet eat that’s not totally ass fattening.

quin-tes-sence: n. the most essential and purest form of anything. (That’s a cool unusual word)

The day starts at 5:30 am, giving thanks to the man above for all. Feet hit the floor, make rack, make coffee, do some morning maintenance … hit knees and become one with our maker. Exercise, here I come. Believe me without the spirit and will to want health, it would be hell to roll out of sleep and go out into the blistering cold to sweat. My muscles scream “this hurts” so I push myself to work harder, be one with my body, beauty is pain, and fat is discouraging.

“Lately I’ve been hard to reach, I’ve been too long on my own, everybody has a private world, where they can be alone. Are you callin’ me? Are you trying to get through? Are you reaching out for me? Like I’m reaching out for you? I’m just so fuckin’ depressed, I just can’t seem to get out this slump, if I could just get over this hump but I need something to pull me out this dump. I took my bruises took my lump, fell down but I got right back up … don’t let ‘em say you ain’t beautiful, they can all fuckin’ just stay true to you …” Eminem

I’m working this program and I’m giving it my all to change. My self-image is still not completely clear – the outer me, doesn’t feel so pretty. This is a difficult issue for me. I know who I am in Him but do I really if I’m unhappy with what I see under the gray?

Some adventure, Huh? This is more like taking a hell ride in my mind. Rule #3, don’t show insecurities to same sex or they will be sure to use it against you in “the game”. Prison I’m grateful for insecurities of image it keeps me conscious of real beauty, true beauty and it’s fixable – Exercise. These people can’t keep me, cause Butterflies are free.

Jesus Loves Outlaws

“pretty is what you are, beauty is what you do with it”

 

As the days turn into weeks and the weeks turn into months and then finally the months turn into years I sit feeling forgotten by everyone who’s ever said they loved me or cared enough to call me friend. Is it selfish to want a letter or card from someone who I care about? Or anyone at all? I have a night job – it suits me just fine – but should I just sleep all my days away? As I sleep I believe I am falling deeper into depression that is created due to drugs and isolation from anyone that I have a blood bond with. And although I’m completely aware that sleeping all day isn’t good for me I do it anyway. Why? Is that part of depression? Knowing that I’m doing it? Do my time, don’t let time do me – that’s what I’ve heard so many times. But my dreams are so much better than reality. When I sleep, the days I’ve lost seem so small, makes me feel like I’ve lost nothing at all. Use to, the weekends were something to look forward to. Now, for me, they are bleak and drag by slowly. One day when we wake up this experience will be just a memory – I am forever changed.

Mclinda

19. The Battle of Ego

Time flies …  and it creeps. Trap Girl has acquired a lawyer for her year review on April 20th, he is supplied by the courts for indigents – those who have no money. I am hopeful he will reply to her, although I have been told not to be. Man, good thing she’s been going to the law library and knows a thing or two by now. Sad that her lawyer died, mainly because he was a wonderful person, but also because he was probably one of the best lawyers around and the judge knew him well. Anyway … she has about 7 weeks left – and as the program director she clerks for said, this is referred to as the “Short and Shitty” time. Time when things get under your skin, when little things bother you and it’s probably best to stay on your bunk and out of trouble if possible. For those of you who know Trap Girl, staying out of trouble isn’t in her vernacular – so, I have sent her Wheelock’s Latin along with the Workbook so that she can learn this language. Several of Jung’s books on archetypes and dreams, also more on Buddhism, Tarot, spirituality and myriad other subjects she has asked for. Time can be her friend or foe. Stay on your bunk, Trap Girl, when you aren’t at work.
As for me – my request to go into the prison as a minister has been denied … aaarrrgh… and after I was told that having a family member on the inside was no longer an issue for volunteers, only for staff. Go figure. Oh well, I am persistent and have appealed the decision. Besides, Trap Girl is almost out… and who knows what happens next.                                                          
❤ Teresa

 

The battle of ego is the eighth card of the Major Arcana in the Tarot deck. The issue is letting your higher self tame the ego and that action is difficult to habituate. When there are girls around I always wanna impress them and flirt and I have difficulty with self control when it comes to “flossing” in front of them. Every time I play into the flirting for the sake of flirting and showing that I’m a “bad” mother fucker and I even act solely on how I think the girl will react, I know I’m showing out. She’s real cute and she’s 30 but she’s going to RTP soon and will get moved to dorm 7 anyway and eventually to RTP so I should probably not fuck with her, yet I keep going to her side of the dorm just to show out and impress her.

I need to do something to get over Krystle but just jumping onto some girl probably isn’t the answer. I’ve been reading a lot about ego death in Buddhism, spirituality and the Tarot, but I keep getting drawn to dumb shit and the phrase “the inevitability of human drama” passes through my mind because I am reading about spirituality and detaching and then see something shiny (i.e. female or situation to assert dominance) and it’s all over with, all the spiritual guidance in the world put aside just to see how some female will react to my shenanigans; it may be harmless and I’m just being too hard on myself. Mrs. Moore said today that I need to find some joy, so I’m trying to stop taking things so seriously and have some fun. In the Tarot book I’m reading it talks about the death of the ego in figurative terms as opposed to psychological terms, saying it’s a higher awareness being tapped into, but as long as we are on Earth we are our ego.

Trap Girl

 

January 16, 2017

Happy New Year to all Still

Here we are on another big adventure … this girl’s life is an adventure, guarded by fence or not.

It’s been awhile since I’ve been a part of the blog. Many distractions – thoughts running nine kinds of wild. Start – stop on all my writings.

I graduated HWR! Mission accomplished, now on to the real life usage. Enrolled full time in college and I’m tutoring ABE full time. It’s a rewarding feeling to help these ladies further their education.

26 months trapped and the end is finally near. Court in February and I’m claiming victory. I was only stuck, never trapped, not physically anyway.

I give praise to “The Big Guy” He’s had control all along, all I had to do was surrender.

“We are hard pressed on every side yet not crushed. We are perplexed, but not in despair.”

                   2 Corinthians 4:8

To me that says we are precious jewels – rough around the edges but with a little work, we will shine.

Here I go!

Shine Bright Like a Diamond

Through this entire adventure

8 has been my given number.

God says “New Beginnings.” He’s

been waiting all along. I ask that

He not keep me one minute longer

Or free me one second sooner than

I’m supposed to be. I want His

will to be done

And to me that looks like,

Me zipping up that Red hood, putting

that wolf on a leash and walking

this adventure out.

Deep down inside, these people

can’t keep me because

Butterflies are free.

By the way, Did you know

Jesus Loves Outlaws?

 

Hi Blog … My name is Erica, I’m 30 years old with long black hair and dark brown eyes. I weigh 130 lbs and am 5’1”. I’m a mother of 4 kids, my oldest is 7 years old and my youngest is 3. I was born and raised on the Southside of Oklahoma City, in a family of 4 brothers. I’ve been out on my own since the age of 14, trying to survive this world. At that age I was learning how to sell drugs to support myself. My mother and father were in and out of prison so I couldn’t depend on them anymore to be able to support me. I ended up catching on to the hustling thing and was living the fast life. I had my own house and car at the age of 15, at this point life was good until I caught my first case for possession of CDS with intent. I ended up going to prison for the first time; I did 2 years on a 5 year sentence in 2006 and got out in 2008. I was 22 years old when I got out with goals to accomplish at that time. I got pregnant for my first time and had my oldest son in 2009. I fell in love with my son; it was a blessing looking into his eyes as I held him. The father of my son ended up going to prison on a drug charge, so I was left raising my son on my own. Life was good to me, and then I met the father of my 3 younger kids. He was the love of my life, or so I thought. We had 3 beautiful children and were living the good life. I was going back to school and working, while he watched our kids, till one day I caught him cheating and threw him out. I felt like my life was over, I was left raising 4 kids on my own with no help. But I did what I had to do to maintain and make sure my babies had a roof over their heads, clothes on their backs and food to eat. So there I was again, back in the hustle life, making that fast money to support my babies and myself. I even got a job at a Gentlemen’s club and worked there for a few months till I saved enough money, but I quit that and stuck with hustling. But, like they say, hustle money doesn’t last forever, and I caught myself sitting in county jail on my way back to prison. With none of that hustle money and no family support, just me, myself and a cot. My kids went to stay with an Aunt till I get home, it’s been over 5 months since I’ve heard from them, and it’s kinda hard hearing from them with no money on your books. But I stay focused with my head up high because I know God’s got my back while I walk through these footsteps to getting home. I’m a very laid back woman who loves music, traveling and very much an outdoor person. I love to cook and enjoy family time with my kids. I’m living life day by day and pray for a better outcome. Well world, I guess that’s it for now, until next time, stay safe and God Bless!

Yours Truly Erica M

 

Good Morning Everyone 🙂 This is “Bubbles” again. Just wanted to express how BLESSED I am today and Always! Well, it’s Monday. Duh! Right! Reason why today is significant to me is because today I’m going to find out if I’m accepted into the “special” group that I’ve been sentenced to do. I’m VERY nervous and anxious, not to mention scared. I’m going to give it ALL to Jesus Christ right now as I write this letter to y’all!! Okie dokie, I’m gonna change the subject. Yesterday was a good day for me 🙂 I had Low-level irritations, and my “Highlight” of my day was playin’ a few varieties of games (i.e. spades, apples to apples, monopoly) with my much cherished and most appreciated friend, Jessica. I’m soo glad and blessed Jesus Christ has sent and put her in my life!! I wouldn’t trade her in for a million bucks!! (Real Talk). So, if y’all have someone like this in your life, do whatever you can (legally) LOL to Keep that “special” someone in your life!! Because a Good Friend, an honest friend, a TRUE friend, is hard to find!! Thank You and have a Wonderful day Everyone 🙂

Good Afternoon Everyone 🙂 How’s everyone on this most beautiful Martin Luther King day? My day is always blessed! I woke up this morning feeling down in the dumps. I don’t know why? I’m thinking being where I’m at is getting to me. There are just so many different attitudes here. I can handle most of them, but there’s a definitely a few I wish would just stay away from me!! They’re always negative and not to mention hateful and mean! I don’t need that kind of person around me at this point of time. Anyway, changing the subject 🙂 It is Really Beautiful outside today. I walked around for a little bit to get outta the dorm for a bit. I’ve been coloring. Yes, coloring. I’m a 41 year old adult that loves to color 🙂 It relaxes my mind, body and soul. Writing to y’all also helps me tremendously with my self esteem, attitude and most of all keeps me from holding most of my negative feelings inside!! For which, I’m VERY good at hiding and “STUFFING” my feelings! No more of that! My good friend gave me a way to safely express my feelings without feeling weird or stupid for how I feel 🙂 Okay. Y’all, I’m gonna keep this one a little short today. I may write more later? Have a good day and Trust in GOD and y’all won’t be disappointed 🙂

Good Evening Everyone 🙂 It’s me again, Ms. Bubbles. Well, I’ve had a lot of stuff going on since last time I wrote. First of all, I’d like to thank my heavenly Father for blessing me every day and every night. So, y’all remember me sayin’ something bout a certain group I was waitin and anticipating on being chosen for? Well, I didn’t get into the group 😦 My immediate emotion was DISAPPOINTMENT! I was intensely looking forward to getting into this group, that I put aside “TRUSTING IN JESUS”! If I had trusted in Jesus Christ, I wouldn’t have been disappointed! Furthermore, I’m going to have to wait for the next group, which won’t be for a little while. Oh well, it gives me time to prepare my mind for what’s to come in the future. And honestly, after I’ve had time to ponder on the situation, I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m not quite ready to be in this particular group at this point in time. It’s hard for me to admit it, but it’s true. My mental status is not where it needs to be nor is it where I want it to be right now! I feel like I’m on the verge of a major breakdown. Everything is all coming at me like a freight train! When I was out in the streets, and I started feeling like I am now I didn’t deal or work through these heavy duty feelings, I just smoked some marijuana and all them feelings went away. Now I’m in here, I have no choice but to deal with them and that situation is EXTREMELY overwhelming at times! There are some days when all I want to do is cry and be sad and depressed. Then there’s other days when all I would want to do is beat the s*#t outta people! Then there are some days where I’m happy and content. I don’t know? Many ladies here seem to be fond of me, but with my Anti-Trust issues I have with people, I’m not sure if they’re being genuine or fake? There is a small group of ladies that I KNOW are genuine bout their friendship towards me and I TRULY appreciate them for that. There are a lot of issues I’m WANTING to fix in my life, before I leave here. Hopefully by GOD’S WILL I’ll be able to accomplish those particular goals/issues? Until next time, thank you for reading.

 

Rise Above

                          by Anonymous – New Years Poem

The world is full of people,

Content to be what they are

Who never know the joy of success;

They lack the will to go that far.

 

Yet in this world there is a need,

For some to lead the rest

To rise above the average life,

By giving of their best.

 

Are you the one who dares,

To try when challenged by the task

To rise to heights you’ve never dreamed,

Or is that too much to ask?

 

This can be your year,

For great purpose to achieve

If you accept the challenge,

And in yourself believe.