The Vernal Equinox, Nowruz (New Year in Farsi) or the First Day of Spring – all terms for the same occasion, and also a very spiritual day in my opinion; a time for new beginnings and exactly one month before my daughter’s year review in front of “The Villains of Cleveland County”. My hope is for her release, for her new coping skills to hold under the pressure of the real world, that her mended wings have the strength to endure the stress of flying after being in a cage for such an extended period and that she has learned the lesson of patience the Universe has taught. Blessed Be Trap Girl, fly straight with intent and purpose.
I apologize in advance for how old the following blog posts are, Spring Cleaning led me to find these wonderful older writings and I had to share. I hope you enjoy them as much as I did when I discovered them. Namaste.
To Punk or Not to Punk … (10-29-16 Nina Miller)
It seems like the only punking going on at Eddie Warrior’s is the guards to the inmates. Although I’m not a proponent of punking, I’m also not for “forcing” an equal playing field through authoritarian directive. This environment simulates an equal playing field for many guards as well as a few inmates aka “deputy no badges” to act out scenarios that previous to this environment would not have worked out in their favor. My main issue with punking does not lie with the person being punked but against the person doing the punking because (and this is true of me since childhood) it’s the weak person that picks an opponent even weaker than himself to impose his will upon and that type of cowardice deserves to be met with opposition of this task.
I have since changed my tactics though, for example in high school I singled out, threatened with physical violence and publicly shamed a girl for heckling an over-weight girl trying to “look cute” in a short skirt and heels. Recently, I was talking to a friend telling me about a girl that was hanging out with her and her boyfriend while they were making fun of her and she said, “The girl didn’t get we were making fun of her” to which I replied “maybe she did but really wanted to be accepted, maybe she disregarded this to belong” my friend asked why I was being mean to her about this and I explained to her that there was nothing attractive or cool about purposely hurting someone’s feeling or making them uncomfortable and nothing about that screams “I’m tough!” it just screams “I can pick on the minority when I’m the majority” which makes you the punk bitch that has an inferiority complex.
It’s human nature to test boundaries, but only doing so in a safe environment is simulated survival of the fittest meaning you’ve already deemed yourself unfit to test boundaries against any “fit” adversary. Leading me back to my initial point of corrections officers using this institution as a controlled environment to “rectify” past wrongs done to them in an uncontrolled past environment hence turning the punkees into the punkers. Yes, there’s power in numbers, but just like Goldilocks and the 7 Bibles it’s quality and not quantity that ACTUALLY matters. Poor delusional guards … It’s SIM Prison.
Goodnight and have a wonderful Eddie Warrior Day!
❤ Trap Girl
Check in: 12-5-2016, only 3:47 am. Tell me why I feel sabotaged! (is that spelled correctly) Alarm set for 4:30 am. Time skewed or screwed with on my clock. I woke with many thoughts in mind. 1st Thanking our Maker for my living. 2nd, Loyalty here is something many of these trapped girls have confused, no skewed or screwed. To me Loyal is believing in something with such a desire that you stand by it, no bending – compared to man’s best friend, Dog. Even if man isn’t as loving to dog as dog is to man, dog still sits, fetches and bites as told. His desire is believing man will pat his head or scratch his back if done with preciseness. I’m feeling very caged this A.M. my A.D.D is out of control I’m back on the up of the mania, ready to blast tunes and run a marathon. I’m trying on an attitude of gratitude today. I have about 2 years sober now and I’m starting to feel truly healthy … my mind is on point, going 90 to nothing. Life is as precious as a flower seed – One day at a time is all I really need. Although I am trapped, I will cross the finish line. This is only temporary. A quick overview of the weekend. It passed swiftly. The Sooners won Bedlam – Go OU! As of today there’s 24 days left in our program. This place can’t keep me – butterflies are free.
Grateful for this blog
Grateful for this program.
Grateful for Loyal Dogs.
Grateful for the source that posts blogs.
Grateful for lessons learned from being a trapped girl.
Unsteady – By – X Ambassadors, the newest jam I heard over the weekend. Such a good song. I love music &
Jesus Loves Outlaws
Another Day more is another day less. Dec 10’2016 22:37
Let me take you on an adventure, Ay! First let me tell you about this amazing concoction that I’d like to call reindeer poop (prison no bakes) maple oatmeal, chocolate syrup, mixed nuts, a scoop of peanut butter and marshmallows. You can pick out the raisins from cereal and add also. Throw in the microwave about 1 minute, stir, mixing until mallows are melted … let chill – or eat warm. A sweet eat that’s not totally ass fattening.
quin-tes-sence: n. the most essential and purest form of anything. (That’s a cool unusual word)
The day starts at 5:30 am, giving thanks to the man above for all. Feet hit the floor, make rack, make coffee, do some morning maintenance … hit knees and become one with our maker. Exercise, here I come. Believe me without the spirit and will to want health, it would be hell to roll out of sleep and go out into the blistering cold to sweat. My muscles scream “this hurts” so I push myself to work harder, be one with my body, beauty is pain, and fat is discouraging.
“Lately I’ve been hard to reach, I’ve been too long on my own, everybody has a private world, where they can be alone. Are you callin’ me? Are you trying to get through? Are you reaching out for me? Like I’m reaching out for you? I’m just so fuckin’ depressed, I just can’t seem to get out this slump, if I could just get over this hump but I need something to pull me out this dump. I took my bruises took my lump, fell down but I got right back up … don’t let ‘em say you ain’t beautiful, they can all fuckin’ just stay true to you …” Eminem
I’m working this program and I’m giving it my all to change. My self-image is still not completely clear – the outer me, doesn’t feel so pretty. This is a difficult issue for me. I know who I am in Him but do I really if I’m unhappy with what I see under the gray?
Some adventure, Huh? This is more like taking a hell ride in my mind. Rule #3, don’t show insecurities to same sex or they will be sure to use it against you in “the game”. Prison I’m grateful for insecurities of image it keeps me conscious of real beauty, true beauty and it’s fixable – Exercise. These people can’t keep me, cause Butterflies are free.
Jesus Loves Outlaws
“pretty is what you are, beauty is what you do with it”
As the days turn into weeks and the weeks turn into months and then finally the months turn into years I sit feeling forgotten by everyone who’s ever said they loved me or cared enough to call me friend. Is it selfish to want a letter or card from someone who I care about? Or anyone at all? I have a night job – it suits me just fine – but should I just sleep all my days away? As I sleep I believe I am falling deeper into depression that is created due to drugs and isolation from anyone that I have a blood bond with. And although I’m completely aware that sleeping all day isn’t good for me I do it anyway. Why? Is that part of depression? Knowing that I’m doing it? Do my time, don’t let time do me – that’s what I’ve heard so many times. But my dreams are so much better than reality. When I sleep, the days I’ve lost seem so small, makes me feel like I’ve lost nothing at all. Use to, the weekends were something to look forward to. Now, for me, they are bleak and drag by slowly. One day when we wake up this experience will be just a memory – I am forever changed.