Episode 22 Free At Last

It is way different out here and I am feeling uneasy about my future.  I got out Thursday and it is now Saturday, boy is it not what I pictured!  Everyone I know is still in prison, I don’t know why I thought I would have all this support when I got out of prison but I did.  I left behind everyone that can relate to me back at EWCC, NEOCC and Jess Dunn.  I can’t expect people that don’t know where I have been to be able to tell me where I am going.  I came back into the streets like a dog off a yard and it’s over stimulation and zero structure, I don’t know what to do with my hands!  Or my mind for that matter, I need a purpose.  I woke up today after feeling sorry for myself yesterday and decided to go and run a quarter mile and then walk another quarter mile, that was at 7:21am so fast forward to 7:29am where I am saying “Shit!!! What now?!!??  So I decided to put on the music that I worked out to in prison (Lil Wayne, Rich Homie Quan etc.), shit I didn’t listen to before going into the penitentiary.  I worked out for almost an hour and a half and now it is 10am and I am at a loss again.  I have to find a group of people that want to do things that I enjoy (working out, philosophy, physics, music and have also been recently released from prison) Ummm……its a tad specific….

My main mother fucker should be out in October or November and hopefully we can go hard into some sobriety together because if I am not working on my recovery I am relapsing. Good night and have a wonderful Non-Eddie Warrior Day

with respect and love,

Jessika

21. If Only …

Preparations for Trap Girl and Yayo coming home are underway – we are excited and hopeful! They will probably be going to meetings together and giving each other support on the outside, because that is what friends do. Unfortunately OK DOC doesn’t appear to offer much once women are released, but they will gladly accept their money and monitor them for the slightest transgression; they seem delighted to send them back – at least that’s how it appears from my observations so far. The program these two completed (HWR) was not funded by DOC, but by the Kaiser Foundation, and I am forever grateful to them for their outlook on addiction as a disease – DOC sees it as a problem of willpower. I guess I just have a differing opinion and agree with the Kaiser Foundation on this one – and, knowing Trap Girl, her willpower goes hard. She tells me they are both good programs, and do work for different people – luckily there are tests being utilized to put people in the right program, and fortunately she had caring people making sure she was placed in the correct one – despite what the Villains of Cleveland County wanted. Hang in there, girls, your time to shine is almost here.
Teresa

 

I was looking back on some things I had written down awhile back and I was impressed with my words so here is what I wrote, “Why in the past have I resisted grace or the will to grow spiritually because it is a call to a higher responsibility and power. Awareness of a situation gives you the upper hand.” Right now I see 3 girls reading their bible during count and I see that we are all trying to understand our purpose, where we fit in and a meaning to our existence, in that sense I guess I still resist grace but not to the extent that I used to. Just because it’s organized and theistically driven I don’t automatically shun it anymore, but I still question anything that sums up why we were put here a little too easily. This brings me to the Baghavad Gita, it makes sense until you think of it as a science fiction novel and Brahmaloka as the planet Brahma lives on, it all feels a bit hokey if you really think about it but I feel the same way about Christianity, I just don’t use it as a frame of reference to make my point because I am in the 21st century of Western Civilization and when it comes to calling Christianity hokey, I’m in the minority.

All dogma sounds hokey to me though, anytime I go to church (I’m in prison and I had to go for a program I was in) I would be sitting there thinking “How does this shit even sound plausible?” and looking around and everyone was not just buying this shit but they had already paid in full. It’s a lonely existence when you know your brain can’t and won’t work like everyone else’s. When I try to talk to people that are of a doctrine it makes it difficult for me to take anything else they say seriously because if they can believe whatever crazy bullshit their religion tells them then they may just believe anything. The gullibility it must take to believe things with zero evidence and even less probability blows my mind.

What I know is this … it’s an idea that has been put into words, because comprehension runs low especially in the 21st century of Western Civilization, everyone misses the forest for the trees and gets caught up in who is the Son of God and who is a false prophet instead of the metaphor the story brings. We only remember the blood and the apocalypse and the jealousy of God and the falling of angels. It’s the message that gets lost and the story that becomes law and because of fear of one’s intelligence being insulted this belief gets violently defended and because of an inferiority complex neither side backs down and voila fundamentalist dogma is born. I’m no better than anyone else; I adhere to rules of a criminal game and get caught up in my own emotional attachments and human drama that I will hold with conviction to the point of violent defense. It’s human nature; it is the purpose of our life, the meaning of our existence.

❤ Trap Girl

 

13 a good number – today has also been a good day … so good. Letting go of all things I can’t control. We are learning social skills in Thinking for a Change. I’ve suffered in the past lack of. I’m a social outcast with anxiety for socializing because I’m observing large amounts of inconsistency from “superior” authority, and it makes me want to trash talk what they consider responsible. I want to fight the rule that says, “I’m wrong, they’re right because I’m the one getting correction.” Well correct me if I’m wrong but that’s a load of horse shit with a bucket of spit on top. No matter what the situation, there’s no room for argument, “excuses”, as the “Head Hornet” calls it. It’s her way or the hell way, right, wrong or indifferent.

It may sound like I’m whining but I’m fed up with being reprimanded for my superior’s lack of planning. I want to give her a big #1 and swing my hair as I walk away. Speaking of hair – what’s up with the pink fury camo hat? You’re in the building lady, you can take it off now. We all know what’s underneath and I promise we won’t laugh to your face. We will promise a socially acceptable environment and comment on your good assets, like the red coat you have. HA! That makes me think of the big bad wolf. And when I think of Little Red Riding Hood, I picture her in slutty clothes packing my 357, waiting on that Bad Ass Wolf to try and get her. Take that you dirty dog as she puts bullets in his back legs. “Can’t catch me now, I’m on my way to grandma’s house.” 🙂

Wow I could totally revise that whole story – pain and suffering … I’ll feed the good wolf and just hike my skirt let him sniff and poke, that’s all he wants anyway. “Kelevra” (Hebrew for Bad dog)

“Lookin’ for trouble, you come to the right place. Lookin’ for trouble, you starin’ right in the face” Guess who and what movie?

Today in Group Safety in Our Community we’re learning to create a safe place to live etc. … it’s crazy how this place has really been a safe haven for me this past 2 years. In my fairy tale dream world I would keep food bowls full and dog catchers hiding close to them ready to pounce on all the Big Bad Wolves, but for now I’ll just think before I act and put my guns up for awhile. I’m going to be more selfless and thoughtful – continuing to humble myself before others, even when their wrong, or inconsistent and I will keep it to myself unless asked otherwise. Because at the end of the day, No one can keep me because Butterflies are free.

Jesus Loves Outlaws

Thank you to all who have made this possible. I am grateful for freedom of speech.

 

I can NOT believe that Oklahoma DOC is preventing me from returning to the surgeon in OKC unless I pay $1000!

So here’s what happened. I went to outside medical last Wednesday for basal cell carcinoma (cancer) removal. The procedure was pretty involved and took quite a bit of time (5 hours). The St. Anthony Dermatology surgeon closed the incision with sutures that have to be removed.

Today I go to North End Medical and they tell me in no uncertain terms that they would remove the sutures. If I insisted on the same doctor removing my sutures it would cost me $250 for van use, $500 for the officer to take me, mileage and gas usage. Close to $1000. So, I say ok, I’ll let the doctor remove them. First she tries with one pair of glasses and can’t see the sutures. Next she tries another pair of glasses to no avail. She finally decides she can see the sutures better without any eyeglasses on at all. So she proceeds to unsuccessfully remove the sutures but does succeed in cutting my nose with the scissors. She finally backed off my face, gave me some tramadol and said she would try again tomorrow. Is this really happening? Oh, yes it is.

So, the plan is to take pain meds before she tries to remove the remaining sutures tomorrow. God, help me! I am so scared! Not to be vain or anything, but this is my face we are talking about here! My face, damnit!

Samantha

 

My name is Yayo and I’m an addict. I’m currently on Step 3 and it’s about making a decision, it says made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the God of our understanding. I didn’t decide this until I was signing for prison. In county I just was not ready. Period. When you’re thinking of how to be sneakier than you were, then you’re not ready. I wanted just one more time. I was still a super self-consuming gluttonist. I was worried about my material possessions and money, power and respect. I should have been at home with my 3 beautiful children, holding a job, paying for things that couldn’t be taken from me in an instant – I was living second to second, not planning a solid future for me and my kids. I decided to give up that life style, not too late but a little later than I should have. I want to live my life right. I have set everything in motion I can possibly do from in here so I can be successful. Since making this decision I have also decided a sober family and my kids is all I need. I’ve cut ties with everyone else. It starts with a choice.

Yayo

 

Phoenix

       by Bertha H

Always Running Never stopping

Always Running Never Moving

Feet stuck, can’t move forward

Feet stuck, I’m moving slower.

 

Slightly breathing, never being

Slightly breathing, finally seeing

Past creeping up behind me

Past creeping up to bind me

 

Always surviving, never living

Always living just to survive

 

Breathe in, Breath out and count to ten

Breathe in Breathe out to center my Yen

 

I scream, I shout, till the whispers die out

I scream, I shout, till I break the hell out.

 

Can you see my flame, can you feel my heat.

Can you see the fire burning inside of me?

 

Every day it burns brighter and higher,

Every day my fire refuses to burn out.

 

Always running, finally stopping.

Finally seeing what I’ve been surviving for.

 

Breathing in and breathing out, just for the

Simple pleasure of not going without.

 

This time when I scream and shout,

I will be heard, you will not drown me out.

 

My fire shines brighter and higher each day

When I break free you will see and feel me

Coming at you from a mile away

 

I will rise up, like a phoenix from the fire,

I will fly free,

I will fly just you wait and see!

 

If Only

        by Bertha H

If only If only If only

the words we all hate to hear

If only the some of all our fears

Not once did I think I would end

Up here

If only I had put down that drink

If only I had stopped to think.

Cool, calm, collected are the things

I always feign

If only I knew then what the feelings

really meant. If only I’d heeded my brain and not my heart

If only I had listened to the wise things

my advisors had to say

Then maybe I wouldn’t be here today.

If only I had learned to process my

feelings, thoughts, and fears.

Then maybe, just maybe my anger

wouldn’t end in tears.

If only I knew who I was, then maybe

I would know who I was meant to be.

If only I knew the difference between

my mommy’s and me.

Now has come a time for change, a time

to move forward and to leave the past behind.

Now when I utter the words if only,

I will speak of a future left undefined.

 

Hello Everyone 🙂 It’s me again, Ms. Bubbles. First of all, I would like to thank a very good friend and Jesus Christ for this blog!! Now, just to let y’all know, I’ve had 2 Very Trying days this week! First off, I have an anger problem. When a situation or someone bothers me, I don’t quite know how to NOT let whatever it is, not have power over me. I’m used to lashing out, cussing, yelling to express my anger. What makes all this even worse is that I’ve attended 4 different anger management classes throughout my life. I know the skills and techniques to avoid confrontation; it just seems that when I visualize them, and they work in my favor, something else seems to be right there to aggravate me!! Like today, I was microwaving something and had taken it out to stir what it was I was cooking, and someone decided to let me know that the way I was cooking MY food was absolutely wrong. So, I decided to just look at them and smile. A little while later I’m playing cards with a friend of mine and I had turned the lights on so that I could see while playing cards and another lady decided to turn the lights off because her bunk is on top and the light is right above her bunk. Now, I wouldn’t of had a problem with her doing so, but she was wanting the lights off to be spiteful! Not so she could go to sleep. She’s wide awake reading a book!! So, I decided instead of engaging in bullshit, to leave the lights off and walk out the door, not to mention slam the door as I’m walking out it! For which, wasn’t appropriate either. LOL  🙂 Anyways, and walk around a few times to cool off. I would like to reiterate that I haven’t had any further altercations 🙂 I’ve since prayed for strength to be able to handle other people’s negativity.

To be continued …