Episode 29 Going Lazily into The Paint

This is a brand new blog that I’m writing because I feel like learned helplessness isn’t just something that happens with battered women or people that suffer ptsd, it is a continuous struggle in a society where we become intellectually lazy (as my friend Mike says).  When I was in prison I had zero control, yet I felt like I had more control over my life there than I do out here.  I know that it is easier in there because there is so little to worry about that we have the time to actually work on who we are.  I like the person that I became because of prison yet some of the things that helped me to become that person I have stopped paying attention to.  I was writing my dreams down daily, I was writing in my journal daily, I was reading a spiritual text daily, I was helping another person daily and I was happy.  I haven’t written most of my friends in prison since the mailroom started catching my letters, solely out of laziness.  My hustle game goes hard and I know that I could get a letter through but apparently my laziness in the outside world goes harder. SMH….

I am making it a point to write 2 of my friends in prison today, posting a blog and stop being so fucking lazy!!!!!  I can’t be lazy about my happiness and my recovery because when I am I feel stagnant and stupid.  The internet and facebook are so ridiculous and time consuming due to my intellectual laziness that I need t o just get rid of the ipad and stop wasting my time.  I have real friends and I need to branch out.  This is my public accountability to manage my life before it becomes unmanageable.

Episode 27 Road Runner Revisited

01/10/17  MEEP MEEP

The road runner revisted….

Since becoming the HWR clerk and facilitator for dorm 1 I have been roped into stupid problems that shouldn’t affect civilized humans.  The entire row of beds that I’m on got called into Mrs. Hick’s office today for allegedly being loud and she asked us who was being loud and specifically said “McIntyre, Who’s being loud?” I said “I don’t know I don’t pay attention to other people” and everyone tried to say that it was another facilitator that ran me in because she can’t stand me and everyone made a huge deal about her trying to trick me off but when I asked if she had said anything or if there was a situation I needed to watch out for? They said no.  Basically you are telling me that someone that’s nice to my face actually doesn’t like me and is apparently harboring resentment and the best they can do is run me in for a noise level???  Then it sucks to be them!!! I’m not too fucking worried nor will I lose any sleep over it because it doesn’t mean that much to me to mean that much to you!

Episode 26 A Clockwork Gray

Untitled

Well, I had a violent thought and my nipples got hard.  That’s not good.  I’m continually trying to correct my behavior but when involuntary things happen when I have a violent thought it reminds me of A Clockwork Orange where they recondition the main character to not be excited by violence.  I don’t necessarily want to be reconditioned to where I am a different person.  Whatever my trigger is that involuntarily makes my body react all happens inside my head.  So, if violence excites me and I just don’t act on it then will I feel like less of a person for not reacting or will the involuntary bodily reaction stop happening after a while?  I’m learning in my Thinking For a Change class that I wasn’t doing much thinking between being frustrated or annoyed by someone and then reacting violently and the end feeling on my part was adrenaline and excitement.  So, is it unhealthy to be excited by violence?  If not, can I change that about myself? If I change that about myself, will I still be me?

Episode 24 I Always Feel Like Somebody’s Watching Me

 

“In typical paranoid ideas of reference, the person feels that murmuring and muttering he hears as he walks past a street…bursts of laughter behind his back at some joke cracked about him.  When one gets to know such a person more than superficially, one often discovers that what tortures him is not so much his delusions of reference but his harrowing suspicion that he is of no importance to anyone, that no one is referring to him at all.”

This hit home and is probably truer that I know.  I always did for other people in the game but for no other reason than to validate me as something and the moment you get locked up it’s out of sight out of mind.  My best friend in the game stopped answering his phone the first week I got locked up and for some reason I still didn’t want to think I was that easily forgotten.  When you use others to validate your self what happens when you are all alone??  It’s uncomfortable at first, you get desperate and try vehemently to control the entire pod of 24 girls for fear of not being in the forefront of their brain anymore but when they talk behind your back you put on a charade of anger when in all actuality it’s better than them not talking about you at all.  It wasn’t until I got in the DOC pod (A lock down pod where I had my own cell) that I started even seeing myself as separate than other.  I now look back and realize how exhausting it was to live like that.  The main question on my mind now isn’t whether or not I’ve achieved notoriety in the game but if I’m even compatible with my “friends” in the game anymore.  It feels like a whole new world that I will go back into and my shift in perspective makes it brand new and exciting.

Episode 25 Shoutout to My Girls That are Still Down

Here are 3 pieces of writing from 3 amazing women that are still down in the prison system.  Keep your head up!!!

In Search of New Realities

Everynight I pray my soul to keep fighting nightmares wearily.

While taking in my sleep so many hearts broken along with my own

and at the end of the day I’m still sleeping alone.

On this journey of madness.  I’m venturing still, I’ve been here so long

surpassing what’s real.

Stark raving mad, still you try to poke and what lies within you need not evoke.

There’s no love lost here, no none to be found

but when she dare shows her face I’ll be hanging around getting old, I suppose.

So call me a bore, I have no revelation of asking for more

don’t flatter yourself, You’ll be sadly mistaken

and this fire’s burning in me will soon fiercely awaken

Over exerting passion to pacify one’s self

Recovering sufficiently from issues of which we needed no help.

Arisen mystery from separation we attempt to elude.

I have a closet full of skeletons and my friend so do you.

Initiating changed in mood

take the liberty now of not turning around

On second thought what once was so lost may never be found

not everything we feel deserved explicit reactions

not sinking to your level gives me considerable satisfaction

an interrupted mistress in a place I don’t belong

and the answers to these questions, I’m afraid

have been here all along

-Courtney Bone

Damn Devil

Tired, broke down and nowhere to go

Never in life have I been so low

two steps forward, five steps back

damn the devil for trying to keep me off track!

Tears flow down my face as the storm rages inside and out

Man, will I ever make it out of this sea of doubt?

Two steps forward, five steps back

damn the devil for trying to keep me off track!

Lord forgive me day in and day out

I try and try still I haven’t made it out

I’m so far gone can you even hear me shout?

Two steps forward, five steps back

damn the devil for trying to keep me off track!!

Choices to make, decisions to decide

It’s gotta be done, nowhere to hide

Chanced are I couldn’t even if I tried.

The stronger the storm tha harder I cry

The longer I’m sober the more demons I find.

Two steps forward, five steps back

damn the devil for trying to keep me off track!

Lord come find me I’m scared and alone

No way I can make it out here on my own!

Damn the devil, he won’t let me be

Just what will it take to make him flee?

Five steps forward, not one step back!

Damn you devil, you can’t keep me off track!!

Ha!  I win God’s had the last say.

Damn you devil, to hell where you’ll stay!

-Bertha Hearn

Untitled

It’s now Sunday, Feb 19 2017.  Wow, as I look at the date it dawned on me that I’ve been fenced for 823 days today.  27 long months and I have about the same amount of days left.  This has been a stretch of unforgettable time.  Not time lost, time preserved.  Getting easier to just write and be completely open and honest.  Thanks to all my lookers that help us ladies and that view us trapped girls.  Close your eyes-imagine the ocean and sunshine and sand between your toes….you see me?  I’m right there, freckles and all.

-Jesus Loves Outlaws

 

Episode 24 I Always Feel Like Somebody’s Watching Me

 

“In typical paranoid ideas of reference, the person feels that murmuring and muttering he hears as he walks past a street…bursts of laughter behind his back at some joke cracked about him.  When one gets to know such a person more than superficially, one often discovers that what tortures him is not so much his delusions of reference but his harrowing suspicion that he is of no importance to anyone, that no one is referring to him at all.”

This hit home and is probably truer that I know.  I always did for other people in the game but for no other reason than to validate me as something and the moment you get locked up it’s out of sight out of mind.  My best friend in the game stopped answering his phone the first week I got locked up and for some reason I still didn’t want to think I was that easily forgotten.  When you use others to validate your self what happens when you are all alone??  It’s uncomfortable at first, you get desperate and try vehemently to control the entire pod of 24 girls for fear of not being in the forefront of their brain anymore but when they talk behind your back you put on a charade of anger when in all actuality it’s better than them not talking about you at all.  It wasn’t until I got in the DOC pod (A lock down pod where I had my own cell) that I started even seeing myself as separate than other.  I now look back and realize how exhausting it was to live like that.  The main question on my mind now isn’t whether or not I’ve achieved notoriety in the game but if I’m even compatible with my “friends” in the game anymore.  It feels like a whole new world that I will go back into and my shift in perspective makes it brand new and exciting.

Episode 24 Surprise You’re on Candid Camera

11/04/16 Surprise You’re on Candid Camera

You know that song “I started a joke, got the whole world laughing but I couldn’t see that the joke was on me”.  I feel like everyone has got to be playing me right now because there is no way that people in here actually respect me or my opinion so much and are this nice to me without the fear of retaliation or violence.  My best friend would actually cut for me and I’ve never had a female best friend before except in middle school and that never ended well because I would control females with violence and when I didn’t they would be back biting and fuck me over.  I know that I’ve risen above a lot of that shit in here but it still goes on and it just seems ridiculous to believe that it effects everyone more than me, there’s gotta be something I’m missing, Right??  I had a friend from another dorm ask me for advice today, I have people I respect and look to for advice asking me for guidance and I feel like I tricked people into thinking that I know what the fuck I’m talking about.  I guess other people see that I’m a respectable good person, I’m trying to see it too but for some reason I’m waiting to see if someone is going to pull the rug out from under me the moment I let my guard down….scary thought.  Logically it doesn’t make sense but women are illogical, especially in here.  One of the girls in my HWR group is kite and she is running other people in and causing a lot of problems which doesn’t make sense if she is trying to get away with some dirt.  If we got drug tested again they would be fucked so why push it just to stir the pot and be shitty? The old me would hope for a confrontation so I could “rightfully” put her in her place and the person I’m trying to be says “it doesn’t affect you, let it go and get through your program”  I am trying to contain my internal struggle between the two.  I guess with everything that I’m reading life is a constant struggle between emotion and reason.  At least there is proof that I’m normal but being surrounded by people that are passive aggressive and driven mainly by emotion really does make you paranoid when things seem to be going a little too well.  I know my conscience is clear and practicing dharma is helpful.  If this is the case and living like this is really this easy then I really fucked up in the past regarding how difficult I made life.  Ugh.

Episode 23 I Just Flew in from Prison and Boy are My Arms Tired…..

I don’t really understand normal people, I try to but I just get frustrated.  I get on FB and try to connect with people and there is always something to complain about or a topic that everyone gets in line to be offended by, is it that easy to forget that you can just opt out of reading something and it’s not necessary to “like” everything that your “friends” like?!?!?!  I am trying to remain grounded and centered outside of prison but there are a lot of shiny things that divert my attention from my goals.  Now, I’m not even sure what my goals are…….Get a job, work out, write a book, keep my word to my friends that are still down and in prison, pay my court fees and go to counseling.  Well, I guess I am sure what my goals are, I just don’t know where to start.  I got offered a job at a pillow factory sewing pillows overnight and I decided for against it, I’m gonna hold out and see if I can get a job in the daytime because I know people that work overnight do drugs and I know myself and I will beat up a tweaker real quick, I’ve seen myself do it!!!!  I keep getting into word and typing up all of my journal entries in hopes that a book will come out of it but it keeps dawning on me, who will want to read my crap?!?!?!  Uhhhhh, one day at a time and optimism is at an all time low.  I need to stop being a cry baby ass bitch and put my big girl panties on and be an adult.  A real job sounds so daunting, especially when you pair it with minimum wage WTF is that about?????  Quick money was a lot easier and makes this part of my life feel rather anti-climactic.  You want me to do what for how many dollars an hour?????? FUUUUUUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!

Good night and have a wonderful non Eddie Warrior Day,

Jessika