11/04/16 Surprise You’re on Candid Camera
You know that song “I started a joke, got the whole world laughing but I couldn’t see that the joke was on me”. I feel like everyone has got to be playing me right now because there is no way that people in here actually respect me or my opinion so much and are this nice to me without the fear of retaliation or violence. My best friend would actually cut for me and I’ve never had a female best friend before except in middle school and that never ended well because I would control females with violence and when I didn’t they would be back biting and fuck me over. I know that I’ve risen above a lot of that shit in here but it still goes on and it just seems ridiculous to believe that it effects everyone more than me, there’s gotta be something I’m missing, Right?? I had a friend from another dorm ask me for advice today, I have people I respect and look to for advice asking me for guidance and I feel like I tricked people into thinking that I know what the fuck I’m talking about. I guess other people see that I’m a respectable good person, I’m trying to see it too but for some reason I’m waiting to see if someone is going to pull the rug out from under me the moment I let my guard down….scary thought. Logically it doesn’t make sense but women are illogical, especially in here. One of the girls in my HWR group is kite and she is running other people in and causing a lot of problems which doesn’t make sense if she is trying to get away with some dirt. If we got drug tested again they would be fucked so why push it just to stir the pot and be shitty? The old me would hope for a confrontation so I could “rightfully” put her in her place and the person I’m trying to be says “it doesn’t affect you, let it go and get through your program” I am trying to contain my internal struggle between the two. I guess with everything that I’m reading life is a constant struggle between emotion and reason. At least there is proof that I’m normal but being surrounded by people that are passive aggressive and driven mainly by emotion really does make you paranoid when things seem to be going a little too well. I know my conscience is clear and practicing dharma is helpful. If this is the case and living like this is really this easy then I really fucked up in the past regarding how difficult I made life. Ugh.