“In typical paranoid ideas of reference, the person feels that murmuring and muttering he hears as he walks past a street…bursts of laughter behind his back at some joke cracked about him. When one gets to know such a person more than superficially, one often discovers that what tortures him is not so much his delusions of reference but his harrowing suspicion that he is of no importance to anyone, that no one is referring to him at all.”
This hit home and is probably truer that I know. I always did for other people in the game but for no other reason than to validate me as something and the moment you get locked up it’s out of sight out of mind. My best friend in the game stopped answering his phone the first week I got locked up and for some reason I still didn’t want to think I was that easily forgotten. When you use others to validate your self what happens when you are all alone?? It’s uncomfortable at first, you get desperate and try vehemently to control the entire pod of 24 girls for fear of not being in the forefront of their brain anymore but when they talk behind your back you put on a charade of anger when in all actuality it’s better than them not talking about you at all. It wasn’t until I got in the DOC pod (A lock down pod where I had my own cell) that I started even seeing myself as separate than other. I now look back and realize how exhausting it was to live like that. The main question on my mind now isn’t whether or not I’ve achieved notoriety in the game but if I’m even compatible with my “friends” in the game anymore. It feels like a whole new world that I will go back into and my shift in perspective makes it brand new and exciting.