06/22/17 This is the writing of Jesus Loves Outlaws
This has been a long journey. In about 90 days, you can call this trapped girl free!! I’m so ready-beyond ready….
Temper is short, words are enough to set me off these days. I’m taking the tools I’ve learned and really putting them to use. You can actually see the weak on them these days. I’m in college algebra, learning a great deal. One thing I know for certain is that no amount of math can fix stupid. It’s all about control here. Some have it, some have none. Some of us are so out of control that we manipulate others in order to control them. I’m learning that it’s lack of self control. Help the ones on the end being controlled. If you have to give something away in order to be a part of something then you never had it anyway. I don’t need friends to survive in this concrete jungle, I got #1. I’m just ready to go. I want to smash a Vass that’s not such a bad ass. No wonder she’s been PC’d, all mouth and then runs to authority. Ugh, done with that.
I’m reading “The Outline of History” by HG Wells and in the first few chapters he talks about evolution and survival of the fittest. I already have a view on environmentalists that is of self preservation in a smarter way than war and violence but self centered none the less. It just clicked in my head that it’s the same thing with saving polar bears etc. Is it a big deal to some people because it is a reminder of what we are destined for with climate change? Do we feel that if we can save other endangered species we can save the extermination of the human race? Maybe I just have a bleak and pessimistic view of human nature and these people aren’t self serving, their just stupid?!?! The intelligent me wants to bring up the ice age which exterminated the largest amount of creatures to our knowledge and in the grand scheme of things didn’t ACTUALLY do that much but in our history is a huge point of interest. Whether we become extinct by a nuclear winter or the sun burning us alive way before it blows up or engulfs us, it will not really impact the earth or the more fit creatures that will survive. It seems to me that preservation of our planet, of species that would kill us if we were closer to them and ourselves is all out of our control and energy wasted on t hat is simply just that, wasted energy.
Well, I got my test scores back at the exit exam for HWR and it said that I am over my PTSD, I have higher self-esteem but my anxiety is still high (higher than mid test) and my cold heartedness has consistently stayed the same. I was a little put off by this but I keep thinking that I’m actually a big picture person and I ACTUALLY do have empathy, just not for trivial things or people playing victim in their self made hell. I feel like in prison there are a lot of martyrs and “victims” and I just don’t have time to pretend to be empathetic and because I don’t give false empathy, I appear cold and callous as opposed to the other people whom I think feign empathy for fear of outing their own victimization and not necessarily even a consideration for the other person. I feel like it’s 100% self preservation. There is a quote from a book I relate to quite well titled “American Psycho” that speaks of an emotional connection to someone like me as illusory “and though I can hide my cold gaze and you can shake my hand and feel my flesh gripping yours and you can even sense our lifestyles are comparable I simply am not there….my heartlessness goes deep and is persistent”. This is so powerful and so relatable to me and I feel the connection that I have made with Currie and Krystle is through our disconnection with the regular world. I’m not against being an outcast but who would have imagined so many women in prison can only use victimization and pity to get what they want, all wolves in sheep’s clothing. The only difference between myself and them, I don’t pretend I’m not a wolf, I get what I’m after directly and effectively. If any problems the females had in here were real I might have empathy but their problems are just a means to gain empathy for whatever their short sighted end game is.
I know that my blogs are usually upbeat and positive but this one is a rant on poverty in America and the way the banking system uses us as slaves to fund the Global Market System. I am employed through Key Personnel at Wesleyan University and I got a call from Key today telling me that this was my third check to be given without setting up direct deposit and that they would not issue me anymore checks after this. They want you to go through a check cashing company that takes out a percentage of your check for every direct deposit and still invest your money in their companies without any profit to me. They just borrow the money and invest it for themselves in the global market and still want to take a percentage from me every time I have a check come in. No FUCKING way will I do that, instead I went to a credit union and opened a savings account because it is at least a better controlled version of that. They give me .15% but still profit off of my money and track me through it on the daily. This over reaching of a capitalist government infuriates me and frustrates me at the same time. I am against the banking system for the main reason that it only helps a select few of already wealthy people keep their wealth while I get charged penalties for not being able to keep enough money in my account because I am in poverty and the cost of living is high as fuck. The appeal of the criminal life comes from wanting to opt out of this society and keep the little amount of money that I do have from tracking me and helping keep the rich rich but I am trying to live intently and legally so I will fund keeping the 1% wealthy in order to even be given my checks that Key Personnel already takes a chunk of for giving me the opportunity to work for $9/hr. One day at a time and for today and today only I will not be a criminal.
Since I starting down my path of spiritual enlightenment every conversation I have comes down to intent and deliberation. In the past I knew when people had bad intent and I played off of it for personal gain and because of that I put myself in a lot of habit energy situations and stooped to their level. It didn’t occur to me until I went to prison that I could just exit that game and enter the stream of enlightenment by being me stripped of my ego and listening to my higher self. There is a quote “Et quod dilige vis fac” which means “if you do things diligently you may do whatever you want”, it is true. If your intentions are good and do not have deception within them (no ulterior motives) then the only people that get hurt from that are the people with ulterior motives and that, to me is karma in a nutshell. Entering into the stream in Buddhism means to stop letting habit energy situations control you and to start going with the flow instead of working against it in a society made by man since man is a destructive creature. If we recognize that life is suffering and the only way to stop the suffering is to stop what makes suffering arise we have found out how to live a less stressful life. Human drama is inevitable but knowledge is power and knowledge of suffering helps cessation.
I got called for a job interview at Dillard’s yesterday and went to the interview today, I was worried about being a felon but my philosophy is to be honest from the get because who wants to work for someone that would initially look down on you for somewhere that you have been. I dressed up really nice and put on makeup and walked into the interview to shake April’s hand and tell her I was glad to meet her. When we sat down she asked me to tell her a little bit about myself, so I did. “I just got out of prison a few months ago.” I said. She replied “Are you kidding me right now?” and I told her no I was not kidding that I had messed up previously in life and prison was a great experience for me. She told me her philosophy that everything happens for a reason and that she thinks it’s amazing that I decided to turn my life around in prison. She proceeded to tell me that she was spiritual and believed in energy and the comprehensive understanding of the universe within the ripple effect of karma, then I got to talk Buddhism. She then told me about how she feels about science and physics, then I got to talk to her about quantum mechanics and string theory. This happened all the way until the end of the interview where she told me that I would be a great fit at Dillard’s and that everyone there is zero drama and gets along really well. I am going for my second interview this next week and will now be working at the college Mon-Fri 8a to 2:30p and then Dillard’s from 4:30 to 9. This will give me the extra income I need in order to become self sufficient. I am constantly blessed by the universe and I have sooo much thanks to give!
I realize that being in a relationship with someone like me has to be difficult, I was so deeply immersed in illegal activity and dishonest people that it changes your view of what you think society is capable of. This is the scenario, my boyfriend stayed the night a few days ago and got up to eat something at like 11p and when he didn’t come immediately back to bed my heart dropped in my stomach and I had this overwhelming feeling come over me that all my money was gone, my electronics were gone and he bolted! I got up angry and suspicious and went outside where he was smoking a cigarette and talking to a friend, I didn’t really voice my concern to him except to say “Don’t lie to me or deceive me” and his reply to this is “I may have ate some cheese and drank a hawaiian punch” because he really had no clue as to why I was acting crazy. When we woke up the next day I explained to him that I thought maybe he was trying to rob me and I realized my paranoia goes hard, he was laughing about it and he was understanding but it’s no way to be. Reintegration back into society is very difficult, especially trying to not be jaded by the life I had and the people that I was around. Trying to give people a chance when they have given you no reason to distrust them is still difficult and the odds aren’t in his favor but I thank him for being understanding anyway.