Episode 37 Consistently Cold Hearted

12/26/17 consistently cold hearted

Well, I got my test scores back at the exit exam for HWR and it said that I am over my PTSD, I have higher self-esteem but my anxiety is still high (higher than mid test) and my cold heartedness has consistently stayed the same.  I was a little put off by this but I keep thinking that I’m actually a big picture person and I ACTUALLY do have empathy, just not for trivial things or people playing victim in their self made hell.  I feel like in prison there are a lot of martyrs and “victims” and I just don’t have time to pretend to be empathetic and because I don’t give false empathy, I appear cold and callous as opposed to the other people whom I think feign empathy for fear of outing their own victimization and not necessarily even a consideration for the other person.  I feel like it’s 100% self preservation.  There is a quote from a book I relate to quite well titled “American Psycho” that speaks of an emotional connection to someone like me as illusory “and though I can hide my cold gaze and you can shake my hand and feel my flesh gripping yours and you can even sense our lifestyles are comparable I simply am not there….my heartlessness goes deep and is persistent”.  This is so powerful and so relatable to me and I feel the connection that I have made with Currie and Krystle is through our disconnection with the regular world.  I’m not against being an outcast but who would have imagined so many women in prison can only use victimization and pity to get what they want, all wolves in sheep’s clothing.  The only difference between myself and them, I don’t pretend I’m not a wolf, I get what I’m after directly and effectively.  If any problems the females had in here were real I might have empathy but their problems are just a means to gain empathy for whatever their short sighted end game is.

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