I have finished my training at Dillard’s and starting to get a routine in Tulsa, I need to work out more though. Living in Tulsa is lonely sometimes, I don’t really know anyone here that is not in the game and the family that I do have here don’t trust me because of how I acted around said people in the game. It is nice that I’m given a second chance but any instability on my end effects how my family sees me and the amount they are willing to put into wanting to fix the relationship that we have that I had fucked up when I was on drugs and in the game. The best way for me to deal with that is to be transparent, I feel that anything that I am doing I should be willing to tell my family about because it is the only way to get them to completely trust me. I can’t keep secrets from them or be deceptive because that is the behavior they expect from me and the results of that behavior were always self destructive. It may be a little too transparent because I want to show communication and willingness to accept help in my recovery but it is where I am at in my life and what I need to do in order to gain the trust and respect of my family back. I hope that in the future the established trust will lead the way for them to trust my discrimination and decisions but until then my life will have to be 100% out in the open for them to see that I am a changed person.
I want to make a disclaimer regarding this blog, when I am upset and over thinking things I tend to be a bit harsh and over dramatic toward the people that love me. After going to my orientation and not being sick anymore I started feeling a little bit less “Nietzche” about my life. I’m incredibly blessed by the universe with a Grandma, mother and boyfriend that all love me (none of which have been to prison but are all supporting and there for me when I need them).
It’s a horrible feeling to not belong anywhere but I have now lived 3 different places since I’ve been out of prison and I haven’t felt like any of them are home. I felt more at home in prison, I realize how stupid that might sound but the sense of community is better. There is better food out here, better sleeping arrangements but having people that give me human contact and understanding is rather difficult to find. I sometimes feel like most people that haven’t gone to prison or the military are unfinished products that haven’t had the opportunity to stop everything and work on the actual person that they are, it makes for uncomfortable conversation when you politely don’t want to call bullshit on them so you just let them think that you are fooled by the same old game! Although frustrating and disrespectful it is sad and I pity it. I am trying to keep my goals in sight and not forget the changes that I made within myself while incarcerated, although it becomes harder when you feel displaced to remain the person that you were when you felt like you belonged somewhere. I have contacted some local support groups in Tulsa regarding a support group for reintegration but I have yet to hear back, maybe something will come of it and maybe a support group is the answer.