Episode 44 Almost There

03/15/2017

This is a journal entry from when I was still in prison and the picture was from Halloween years ago, I didn’t get on one and turn crazy I promise.

Everytime I read some twisted shit it feels like my world stops spinning for a moment and I’m about to wake up from a dream and realize the world I’m in is one where I’m held captive against my will.  Bound and tortured in my own shit and piss with my veins exposed twitching on their own but only as a response that’s involuntary because the pain I am feeling is so unbearable that my brain has gone into shock and turned it off.

Flooding my body with dopamine and adrenaline, if I am alive it’s only because my brain isn’t completely dead, somehow my body is being kept alive but I’m not sure why?  Who is sick enough to keep me in this undignified condition?  Why not just put a bullet in my temple or slice a blade through my carotid artery?  That would be quick and painless, although I don’t feel the pain now…

Why would anyone keep me alive to endure this degrading existence?  Why any time that I read about destructive forces, drugs, torture do I feel like there’s another existence on the tip of my tongue that if I could just remember, would unlock everything and make it all come together?  It would make more sense than the world that I’m living in now…

Why does pain, blood, torture, exposed nerves and tainted organs seem so much more plausible than the reality I’m in now?  It seems scary but true, I’m not necessarily considering this reality because I prefer it but it seems more realistic than the reality I’m in now.  Just one more clue and I’ve got it….Give me the last piece of this puzzle……I need it to all make sense…..

Episode 43 Charge It To The Game

08/28/17

They say that relapse is part of recovery but it’s still a bitch!  My life got difficult and I didn’t want to cope anymore or didn’t have the skills to cope in the first place, not sure if it’s laziness or lack of tools.  I had said previously that when I was in prison I was building my coping skills in a vacuum, there are so many more stressors in the real world!!  My fuck it factor kicked in and I decided to get high, the problem with that was it no longer made the pain go away.  Everything I tried to escape from rushed to the forefront of my brain, flooding my mind with thoughts of “How am I going to go to work like this?”, “What if I lose my ass?”, “Will my grandma know?”: paranoia was kicking in and I was stuck in my own head which is not a pretty place to be.  I tried doing some of the things that I enjoyed doing high like coloring, writing, Facebook but my hands were too shaky to write or draw and on my Facebook were constant reminders of people I had let down.  I had a lot of stressors come into my life at once that made me doubt myself but none of them were caused by me being a bad person or doing anyone harm.  I feel like before I needed an escape from myself because I didn’t like the person I was or the destructive things that I was doing. Since I found myself and I like who I am being high only cuts me off from that and I lose my center becoming paranoid and stressed out.  It was an insightful lesson and hopefully one I don’t have to learn again.  So here I am back in Bartlesville getting ready to start my job back at Wesleyan University and charging the last round to the game.

Episode 42 To Be Free or Not To Be Free

08/23/17

I know that I haven’t posted a blog in awhile and that is partially due to personal struggle with reintegration and partially to working full time at Dillard’s.

It’s amazing to be able to do so much to better myself after release but I’m still reminiscent of the times I had in prison.  What I wouldn’t give to play spades with Amy, Currie and Rachel or walk the oval with Selina or go to step aerobics with cry baby ass Krystle.  I realize it’s the people and experiences that I miss and not actually the prison itself and I know that going back there wouldn’t necessarily recreate the friends and experiences that I had.  Since I know that living in anything but the present isn’t real, why am I so hung up on it?  Why do I feel like it’s the answer when I can’t cope out here?  Maybe it’s structure and like minded people that I need and not a fenced in institution.  Feeling like I belong in the real world is something that I’m still working on.  I don’t know if I will ever fully feel accepted in it but I do know I can’t let my friends and family down and go back.

My solution is to try harder at getting a support group together for people just out of prison trying to cope with the real world.

Good night and have a wonderful NON Eddie Warrior day!!!!!

Episode 42 To Be Free or Not To Be Free

08/23/17

I know that I haven’t posted a blog in awhile and that is partially due to personal struggle with reintegration and partially to working full time at Dillard’s.

It’s amazing to be able to do so much to better myself after release but I’m still reminiscent of the times I had in prison.  What I wouldn’t give to play spades with Amy, Currie and Rachel or walk the oval with Selina or go to step aerobics with cry baby ass Krystle.  I realize it’s the people and experiences that I miss and not actually the prison itself and I know that going back there wouldn’t necessarily recreate the friends and experiences that I had.  Since I know that living in anything but the present isn’t real, why am I so hung up on it?  Why do I feel like it’s the answer when I can’t cope out here?  Maybe it’s structure and like minded people that I need and not a fenced in institution.  Feeling like I belong in the real world is something that I’m still working on.  I don’t know if I will ever fully feel accepted in it but I do know I can’t let my friends and family down and go back.

My solution is to try harder at getting a support group together for people just out of prison trying to cope with the real world.

Good night and have a wonderful NON Eddie Warrior day!!!!!