They say that relapse is part of recovery but it’s still a bitch! My life got difficult and I didn’t want to cope anymore or didn’t have the skills to cope in the first place, not sure if it’s laziness or lack of tools. I had said previously that when I was in prison I was building my coping skills in a vacuum, there are so many more stressors in the real world!! My fuck it factor kicked in and I decided to get high, the problem with that was it no longer made the pain go away. Everything I tried to escape from rushed to the forefront of my brain, flooding my mind with thoughts of “How am I going to go to work like this?”, “What if I lose my ass?”, “Will my grandma know?”: paranoia was kicking in and I was stuck in my own head which is not a pretty place to be. I tried doing some of the things that I enjoyed doing high like coloring, writing, Facebook but my hands were too shaky to write or draw and on my Facebook were constant reminders of people I had let down. I had a lot of stressors come into my life at once that made me doubt myself but none of them were caused by me being a bad person or doing anyone harm. I feel like before I needed an escape from myself because I didn’t like the person I was or the destructive things that I was doing. Since I found myself and I like who I am being high only cuts me off from that and I lose my center becoming paranoid and stressed out. It was an insightful lesson and hopefully one I don’t have to learn again. So here I am back in Bartlesville getting ready to start my job back at Wesleyan University and charging the last round to the game.