Episode 44 Almost There


This is a journal entry from when I was still in prison and the picture was from Halloween years ago, I didn’t get on one and turn crazy I promise.

Everytime I read some twisted shit it feels like my world stops spinning for a moment and I’m about to wake up from a dream and realize the world I’m in is one where I’m held captive against my will.  Bound and tortured in my own shit and piss with my veins exposed twitching on their own but only as a response that’s involuntary because the pain I am feeling is so unbearable that my brain has gone into shock and turned it off.

Flooding my body with dopamine and adrenaline, if I am alive it’s only because my brain isn’t completely dead, somehow my body is being kept alive but I’m not sure why?  Who is sick enough to keep me in this undignified condition?  Why not just put a bullet in my temple or slice a blade through my carotid artery?  That would be quick and painless, although I don’t feel the pain now…

Why would anyone keep me alive to endure this degrading existence?  Why any time that I read about destructive forces, drugs, torture do I feel like there’s another existence on the tip of my tongue that if I could just remember, would unlock everything and make it all come together?  It would make more sense than the world that I’m living in now…

Why does pain, blood, torture, exposed nerves and tainted organs seem so much more plausible than the reality I’m in now?  It seems scary but true, I’m not necessarily considering this reality because I prefer it but it seems more realistic than the reality I’m in now.  Just one more clue and I’ve got it….Give me the last piece of this puzzle……I need it to all make sense…..

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