Episode 45 I’m Not Kevin Gates, I Have 2 Jobs and I’m Tired AF

I’m Not Kevin Gates, I have 2 jobs and I’m Tired AF


I am reminded on the daily the importance of humility, working manual labor at a private university allows this in my life.  I know that the me before prison would not have been able to work at a place where I clean windows, bathrooms, floors and move things for a bunch of privileged teenagers.  I know the me before prison would have been too prideful to make money that way and I know that my thinking was so distorted that selling dope and women seemed like the logical answer to my monetary problems.  I get frustrated that I make so little money sometimes and I feel triggered to go back to my old life but I remember that I had false pride in the way I made money before, I realize now that working $9/hr at 27 hours a week gives me a lot more pride than running around like an immature gangster.  I do get discouraged sometimes when I think about the fact that I’m 33 and have nothing to show for the life that I spent so many years “building” for myself, I live with my mom, I don’t have a license or a vehicle, I didn’t finish college and I’m in debt unable to get credit anywhere but the street.  A late start is better than no start at all and working with the universe instead of against the universe will probably be more efficient in trying to make up for lost time.  I know the old me would resent the kids that go to college where I work but the new me is happy to see so many people able to better themselves and the ambition it takes to be in the real world.  I realize now that that is why I am happy for them, I see that there is a reason to do right and have ambition in the real world.  The old me gave up on the real world because I thought it was too hard so I took short cuts and became a criminal in a game that people play when they don’t want to grow up and play the actual game of life.  I admire the college kids because in a sense I am at the same stage in my life even though I am 33.  I finally decided to be ambitious in the real world and plan on going back to school as well as start a new job at a car dealership as a warranty clerk.  This world is so much more rewarding than the game world and I’m ready to play the actual game of life.

Episode 44 Good Friday


Today is Good Friday and I saw my friends in an Easter play called “Thy Kingdom Come, Thy Will Be Done” about the crucifixion and the resurrection.  I see the appeal of Christianity although I continually feel like the point is missed.  I feel like symbolically we all have to end our childish thinking to grow up and accept responsiblity for our actions and in this way Jesus Christ is an archetype that is activated inside of us inspiring us toward action.  When the story gets taken literally and dogmatically followed the symbolism becomes literal and the point is lost in lieu of the detail that I feel is less important than the morality of the metaphor of metamorphosis into self-realization AKA individuation into your higher self.  The obsessive focus on the violence leading up to the crucifixion is overly romanticized in my opinion.  The humility it takes to kill the ego and realize your higher self is the lesson I take from that story, not the minutia regarding the archetypal figure specific to Jesus Christ since every demigod possesses the same qualities and it’s the later version of Buddha, Hercules Etc. I also tend to miss the trees for the forest and Jesus Christ happens to be one of those trees.  I had read something pertaining to the mark of a mature person being dedication to a cause and the mark of an immature person being dying for a cause (martyrdom) and it seems to me that being stuck on that part of the archetypal story just shows how many people have yet to grow up.