Episode 56 More From Rene

I can only be me

I sit here and listen to myself as I tell people I can only be me!

Actually, who am I trying to really be?

I need people to understand the many things that us as women has to really be in life

It’s as if we have 10 people living inside us because no matter how hard we try, we really just can’t be me as much as we want to be, try to be and live to be.

So in this world that we choose to live in we as woman have to be;

A woman in the streets but a freak in the sheets as men put it.

A lover, a friend, a companion, a mother, a counselor since we have to counsel our children in some situations through this life we gave them.

We, at times become a wife in this life as well as a teacher.

Whether we realize it or not or have taken the time to analyze who we try to really be is a mystery because actually there is different personalities that are hidden behind the face of a woman.

Remember that all smiling faces are not as happy as they appear to be, not all friendly faces are as friendly as they seem to be, not all beautiful faces are not as pretty as they may be on the outside because on the inside could really be another hidden personality that you cannot see.

With every person that a woman has to be in this life has its own character, personality, face and hidden lady that we dare allow you to meet.

This brings me to wonder and question “who am I really trying to be?”

At times I like me, but do I really love me?

I trust me but do I really understand me?

I believe in me but do I really know me?

It’s hard for me to know  who I really am when behind this face that’s revealed openly to the world has a dark face that’s hidden behind  this smiling, beautiful, glowing, friendly, loveable, caring face that has a mask hidden that you cannot see but is revealed as me.

The person I say is me, loves everybody and trusts nobody and deeply cares for somebody.

The person I long to be is a woman looking to be loved but is afraid of love and questions love.

Wants to remove the darkness in me that keeps me from being me, woman I truly want to be.

I want to be able to come out of my shell and reveal me, the inside of me and let the old me become the real me.

Who longs and awaits to know the real me that can’t see me behind the shadows that haunt me.

Who can I find in life to help me, not hurt me, abuse me, mistreat me, lie to me or walk away from me one the shadows of me come out of me.

This brings me back to the beginning again when I said “who is really me?”

The shadows within thee, the revealed face that you see or the unfamiliar face that you meet.

I’m tired of living a lie trying to become me, only God can change and save me as well as reveal me the lady whom he chooses to be me.

The real me!

Rene McCullough

Episode 55 WTF is Wrong with Me??

10/23/2017

Well, I have been irritable and angry for a while now and have just wanted to give up and put a .45 to my dome or go back to prison but then I remember that I’m no less angry in prison and if I were dead I would be a selfish prick.  I feel bombarded with issues and problems that are not in my power to solve and not enough time to decompress and compartmentalize the issues or solve the problems that come at me on the daily.  I don’t have any time to myself before more issues arise or my mom and my fiancé want attention from me but I still feel overwhelmed from other problems of the day.  I have been working 52 hours a week with Sunday as my only day off and this past Sunday I had laundry piled up all over our room and very little time to do it, we ended up taking it to a laundromat and got it done in about an hour but before that it was a more than laundry on the floor it was another problem that I didn’t have time or ability to fix.  My other issue is working from 1pm to 8pm every night leaving me no time to eat dinner, decompress before sleep or get any other household chores done that pile up during the 6 days that I work.  The issue of time when I was in prison was that there was too much of it and my ability to decompress and center myself became easier after I had worked through the issues that had compiled from outside of prison and forgot how much difficulty I had with being overwhelmed by problems in the first place and it being one of my main triggers to use because I have very little coping skills when it comes to being bombarded with problems outside my control.  I think the reason that I get frustrated and say “fuck it, I wanna go back to prison!!” is because that is the only place I have ever had the time to deal with my problems properly without drugs.  I get told “you just need to get into counseling” but when will I go to counseling, I get told “just do it tomorrow” but when will there be a tomorrow that I have more time than I’ve had today??  I want to be able to manage my time and feel more in control of my life but when will I have the time to learn skills on how to manage my time and feel more in control of my life without going back to the pen???

Trap Girl

Episode 54 Normalcy

Normalcy was a word that President Warren G. Harding coined when talking about what America was going to return to after the war and depression era, therefore I think it is fitting for me to use it as well.  My fiance and are are both recovering criminals and being normal together is our relationship goal dream.  Last night we went bowling and went home and went to sleep, we strive to do the drab day to day menial shit that people that have always been normal take for granted and get overly excited when we find ourselves sitting down to dinner and then watching a movie like we are doing something extraordinary.  There is extraordinary in the ordinary if it isn’t what you are used to.  Bach was right about perspective being everything, “use it or lose it”.  I know that I need to remember the extraordinary in the ordinary in order keep myself from becoming bored and acting a fool just for an adrenaline rush because the truth of the matter is I know that I don’t want to lose Chris or my mom again and keeping that in perspective will keep me returning to normalcy instead of going back to the struggle because it doesn’t have to be real if you don’t let it!!!!

Episode 53 Eternal Smart ass and Squishy

Eternal Smartass

I am breaking all the rules since its 45 after, meaning I am able to get off my bunk and use the restroom.  However when I see the C/O walk through the front door I try to duck back off into the bathroom to avoid confrontation cause he likes to give me shit.  Of course he sees me and instead of letting me make it he has to assert his dominance and instead of diffusing the situation I automatically resort to sarcasm.  “That was covert op’s Sgt., it must be your military training” (Damnit Ashley!) he made me watch as he typed up an incident report, all along I’m making comments.

Him:  That’s a demotion

Me:  I’m already a level one

Him:  Oh so you just don’t care about your life?

I let him provoke me

Me:  Well I was a level four for 14 months so either I’m good or good at it.

Me to myself: Just shut up sometimes asshole!!!  I thought I’d mastered my mouth after this time.  Shit.  Round 2

#prettyinink

Squishy

I’ve turned soft.  My body feels squishy.  I no longer smash people out just to do it and then today at labor pool I get upset because a speck of dirt got on my boots, WTF??  It was my understanding the penitentiary toughens you up- this women’s lock up (Oklahoma) is a joke.  Although it shows resolve that I can use my words rather than my hands (to get home quicker) and although maybe I looked better with all these pretty curves than 90% of these women and although it never hurts to keep your kicks clean and keep up with your swag game…the word punk comes to mind.  Is there a happy medium in life after this or if I wanna stay out of this piece will I be forced to remain squishy??

#prettyinink

Episode 52 Jesus Loves Outlaws

9/28/2017

A big hello to the world out there!  I know it’s been awhile, I’ve been very disconnected.  My mind was wrapped around being released from here.  PRD Nov. 1st 2017.  That has all changed in the last 8 days, man is now saying I have 1884 days flat.  There is no way, I’ve been trapped for 3 years now- how do you overlook something like this?  Not just one person but many.  The records employees take my life as a joke and it comes down to the nut cutting they never had them to start with- or the backbones- SNAKES let’s blame the dead Bill Page and in the mean time I’m still here, trapped in the place that’s just feet from the exit into the unknown.  Although I haven’t been blogging I didn’t stop writing.  I just had an idea that I would forward all my thoughts when I got access to me Dell.  So here are a few of them on the next few pages.  So to catch ya’ll up- I have nothing, need everything.  I was on my way out the gate, so it was a free for all at 113upper.  Grateful for the 3 trays a day but extra batteries and a few stamps would be nice.  When it comes to asking others for stuff, I cringe.  Sometimes warm water is the cure, as long as you just go to sleep fast.  This is the test of loyalty- where the realness of friendship is found.  I know there’s faith in Fox but I’m struggling teaching that old dog new tricks.  It’s his birthday by the way-big 52-here’s your shoutout.  Well, I’m going to continue to make the best of this adventure, keep me in your prayers folks.  If we’ve traveled to Hominy tell my outlaw I love him.  BDM remember this place can’t keep me because butterflies are free.

Jesus Loves Outlaws

Episode 51 I Remember Crying

 

Sitting on this side of the fence is just about all I expected it to be.  It’s actually a little more laid back then I imagined.  As I sit here tonight I’m flooded with memories and I’m letting them take ahold and I’m just along for the ride…I close my eyes and I remember crying.  I used to do it a lot!!  I remember crying as I walked through the halls of county at DLM to visit you.  The smell hit me through the vents (a smell I know all too well from my trips, I’ve lost count) and it was like being punched in the gut.  I didn’t want that for you and it was my fault you were there on 2 counts of shooting with intent.  I began to run so I could get to you quicker.  When I finally saw you, you had a deep red streak running up your arm to your chest from a spider bite.  To your face I remained calm but I remember crying back down the halls as I left (afraid I was going to lose you to the bunk ass medical flop going on).  I phoned the jail from the parking lot and complained.  I figured my assertive voice was much more credible than my 5’3” frame attached to a pretty face. I dropped money on your JPay and money on your GTL account and I headed to the airport where they sell postcards because DLM was no longer accepting regular sealed envelopes as correspondence and there was no way you were going without.  I stopped by the “L” store and met mom back at the house to get our boy who was only 9 months old at the time.  We had strict “no sleeping in our bed” policy to avoid accidents but that night he slept in my arms.  You called a few times and I got to hear your voice.  It hurt so bad to hear the lady say “you have 60 seconds”, I always remember crying.  Well it’s been 3 long years since I’ve heard from you.  You’ve never put money on my JPay, never put money on the phone.  Do you cry for me now that I’m the one that’s locked up and the roles are reversed?  Do you cry for our son?  He told me last week he cries for me because he feels so sad for me that I’m in here.  I told him mommy should be the one who is sad for him because he doesn’t get to have his mommy.  Do you remember how every Father’s Day you got your mom a Father’s Day card?  Do you think our son will do that for me when he’s grown or are you gonna step up?  We miss you Daddy!  This Sunday is Mother’s B-day, Happy Mother’s Day to me…I will remember crying…

Episode 50 Dezmo’s Poetry

I smell bacon sizzling

Damn I want a slice

They say don’t borrow once

Or you’ll pay it back twice

And these stupid wool blankets

Itch like they’re made of bedbugs

Screw fakin’ it to make it

This place will make you hate drugs

Standing on the grass is for free people, Okay?

And watching my children grow via photos

Is really sending me to a dark place

I guess that isn’t so bad when there’s

Always a light on at night, right?

The only silence I hear is my own

I’ve prayed for quiet for so long

That my own screams of frustration

Are all I will never hear, maybe I’ll have a Happy New Year

Dezmo

I’m a wreck never an accident

Just a speck as the universe spins

I do not have a soul, I am a soul

Once you realize the meaning of this level of freedom you experience

Is dangerously unique in everything you see

In every word you speak

The way you count your days

While officers count you

I’m freedom in raw form

Only in your head is freedom truth

Dezmo

Episode 49 Hello World

Hello world,

Allow me to take this time to share with you a little about myself.  Where I’ve come from to where I’m at at this point in my life.  In the midst of listening to what I’m about to reveal to you, I only pray that you not only listen to the words that are coming from this body that has been labeled once on “caught on camera to show” filming Bryan Bates better known as John O on the streets of OKC, OK named Robinson south.

I was labeled as the most notorious and dangerous prostitute in Oklahoma!  I don’t only want you to hear as well as read these words but listen to the transformation that’s taking place within his woman.  As my words speak directly to you!

In the still of the night with nobody else around every 10-15 minutes a car will pass, stands a beautiful young girl.  With the whispering wind sound of a voice so she thinks, always wondering the next man she meets.  As she greets the darkness with her radiance of beauty and her freshness from her youth, not knowing what to do, where to go but only awaiting another hustle.  When the cars pass her by she greets them with a lovely smile and a friendly wave that motions them to come not knowing who will be the one to turn that corner and pick her up.  Once this lovely girl enters this perpetrator’s car only guessing, will she return, leading her to believe that he’s found his prey in her.  It’s a lonely world out there when you have nobody to trust, that little girl is me as I once was a piece of meat to the animals that prowled the streets.

It’s a wonder that I am as blessed as I am to still have the mentality I have, the strength to wanna keep going.  The wisdom to teach those who don’t know better, the desire to reach somebody that’s out there on the streets, the courage to wanna do better and the passion to touch a soul out there.

I’ve managed to make these revolving gates by being a repeat offender, since 1991.  I’m not bragging or proud of this but only speaking the truth about it.  I honestly don’t see a rehabilitation within these gates cause what the world don’t know or see we is inmates.  Offenders, convicts, a woman labeled as a menace to society gets the chance to witness all that’s hidden to the silent eyes, meaning those eyes that the system don’t allow ya to know!  It comes from within yourself, the rehabilitation that is.  When you allow yourself to get rid of the past, the trash, the trauma, the abuse, the humiliation that’s caused you to be locked, chained and afraid to reach out for something better and want a better life.

I’m tired of living a lie, pretending to be happy!  When you become so sick and tired of what you are then you’ll become something better ladies.  It’s not fun when you have nobody inside these gates or outside these gates that’s there for you mentally, spiritually or financially and that’s when you learn to become ok with yourself.  You learn yourself, love yourself, respect yourself and have pride in yourself instead of the woman that you thought you was as you put on your mask upon entering this cold, cruel world as you leave from behind those closed doors.

I have very little time left here at Dr. Eddie Warrior’s Correctional Center located in Taft, OK 74463.  My name is Rene McCullough DOC#181698 and I’ve managed to find myself within these gates this past 3 ½ years.  I’ve been gone but upon leaving this yard I’m taking a woman that’s so strong, so beautiful, so bold!  A lady with respect who stands tall with her head up and can’t wait to fight the word that’s waiting to test me once again.

I’m in search of a mentor that will help me, guide me and point me into the right direction that will help anybody who is wanting to get off the streets as well as drugs.  I will become an advocate for women on the streets, women who suffer with mental health issues within the system because if only these walls could talk they would talk a lot, but they can’t.  Therefore I’m going to speak and become the voice for these concrete walls.  I’m wanting to and going to speak out, reach out and help out the ladies who can’t help themselves!  God bless you all and pray that somebody contacts me that’s willing to help me become an advocate for us ladies!!!!

Thank you,

Rene McCullough

Episode 48 Another Month

ANOTHER MONTH 10/01/17

When you’re doing time, it either flies or drags….I’m glad this day is over, I’m ready to conquer another week.  To all the readers and responders I am grateful and I hope that I will be on the same view side soon.  I’ve been a bucket of tears this evening.  The one person I have riding for me is getting sketchy and in a place like this solid dependability means everything.  The small things mean the world, all the other stuff like letters, pictures, visits and money is like an orphan child’s Christmas.  What I wouldn’t do for that kind of dinner right now.  Even a bean pie beats what they have been serving here lately.

I know I’m DOC owned right now but a pen-pal would be awesome!!!  If I have interest hit me up!!!!  Pictures suck here so if you’re looking on the website that ain’t the me I see.  Woolsey really is pretty even if she’s a 447983

I’m going to dedicate some time to rounding up all the posts tomorrow.

Joke: A 3 legged dog walked into the saloon and said “I’m lookin for the man that shot my paw”

I may be trapped but it’s just temporary, DOC can’t keep me because butterflies are free and I’m never alone because Jesus Loves Outlaws.

Episode 47 I Hate Pepper Spray

I Hate Pepper Spray

“I hate pepper spray”… this is what I hear as I am being unshackled from my feet and wrists and being put in a shower with bars for a door and being forced to strip naked for a red-headed overweight guard with tattoos and piercings.  In the background I swear I can see the male guard looking at me from around the corner…doesn’t matter.  For the last 4 years I can’t count the number of people who have seen all my goodies.  What’s left to hold sacred?  I am back in prison, not that I have ever left…it’s been a long journey for me and I’m back on a minimum yard from lower security.  Today it occurred to me just how absurd this underground world of the women’s penitentiary is and I decide to document it for all those who’ve never lit up a blunt and said FTP! Or maybe for the men locked up right beside us ladies living in a completely separate universe and experiencing 2 different incarcerations all together.  This place is whack, welcome to my world!!

I continue to hear moaning from the shower cell next to me and some random words here and there “fuck”, “oooh”, “why” probably all the things I’d be saying if I ever get pepper sprayed but let’s hope I can stray out of the line of fire.  I only have around 9 more months of hell.  The only time I’ve ever been pepper sprayed was in a bar parking lot when my bf’s dad bombed me out his truck window when I tried to grab his mouthy little daughter out so she could eat concrete.  What grown man carries pepper spray???  I spent 9 months in maximum security and never witnessed anyone bet bombed, I wonder what this chick has done to get pepper sprayed??  I hit the button on that makes the water spray out in a line that is as thin as a pencil in 20 second intervals.  I pray that it is at least warm.  Success, there is warmth.  One thing has went my way today.  I grab the tiny bar of soap and wash an arm, hit the button again, one tittie and hit the button again, other tittie and so on until my entire body has been washed.  There’s a single blade razor the size of my thumb I pick up and attempt to shave an armpit with for about 5 minutes before I give up on that completely.  Lastly, I open the cap on the tiny yellow shampoo that smells like crayons and I wash my hair.  All the laundry in the penitentiary smells like heat.  There is no other way to describe it.  Like an iron has been left on clothes for too long.  So I dry off with a towel that feels like cardboard and smells like heat and put on an orange jumpsuit over a sports bra, tinged brown from so many bodies running through it and panties stained brownish-black in the crotch.  I probably would have opted out of the panties if I didn’t have a few select items shoved up in there I wasn’t too keen on losing just yet.  I sit in the plastic garden chair in the shower cell and attempt to comb out my long hair with a small black flimsy comb…this takes about 10 minutes.  Eventually I see a dark face peek through the bars across from me in the adjacent shower cell and I say “oh, are you waiting on me?”  In true stuck-up-bitch fashion, I kick a leg upon the bars and kick back in my chair and just stare at this mother fucker.  Damn it’s going to be a long ride….

#prettyinink