Episode 55 WTF is Wrong with Me??

10/23/2017

Well, I have been irritable and angry for a while now and have just wanted to give up and put a .45 to my dome or go back to prison but then I remember that I’m no less angry in prison and if I were dead I would be a selfish prick.  I feel bombarded with issues and problems that are not in my power to solve and not enough time to decompress and compartmentalize the issues or solve the problems that come at me on the daily.  I don’t have any time to myself before more issues arise or my mom and my fiancé want attention from me but I still feel overwhelmed from other problems of the day.  I have been working 52 hours a week with Sunday as my only day off and this past Sunday I had laundry piled up all over our room and very little time to do it, we ended up taking it to a laundromat and got it done in about an hour but before that it was a more than laundry on the floor it was another problem that I didn’t have time or ability to fix.  My other issue is working from 1pm to 8pm every night leaving me no time to eat dinner, decompress before sleep or get any other household chores done that pile up during the 6 days that I work.  The issue of time when I was in prison was that there was too much of it and my ability to decompress and center myself became easier after I had worked through the issues that had compiled from outside of prison and forgot how much difficulty I had with being overwhelmed by problems in the first place and it being one of my main triggers to use because I have very little coping skills when it comes to being bombarded with problems outside my control.  I think the reason that I get frustrated and say “fuck it, I wanna go back to prison!!” is because that is the only place I have ever had the time to deal with my problems properly without drugs.  I get told “you just need to get into counseling” but when will I go to counseling, I get told “just do it tomorrow” but when will there be a tomorrow that I have more time than I’ve had today??  I want to be able to manage my time and feel more in control of my life but when will I have the time to learn skills on how to manage my time and feel more in control of my life without going back to the pen???

Trap Girl

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2 comments

  1. Sparks · October 24

    Hopefully soon you will have more time to yourself. I don’t know if that is going to be anytime soon because I don’t know your situation. Hang in there!

    Like

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