Episode 49 Hello World

Hello world,

Allow me to take this time to share with you a little about myself.  Where I’ve come from to where I’m at at this point in my life.  In the midst of listening to what I’m about to reveal to you, I only pray that you not only listen to the words that are coming from this body that has been labeled once on “caught on camera to show” filming Bryan Bates better known as John O on the streets of OKC, OK named Robinson south.

I was labeled as the most notorious and dangerous prostitute in Oklahoma!  I don’t only want you to hear as well as read these words but listen to the transformation that’s taking place within his woman.  As my words speak directly to you!

In the still of the night with nobody else around every 10-15 minutes a car will pass, stands a beautiful young girl.  With the whispering wind sound of a voice so she thinks, always wondering the next man she meets.  As she greets the darkness with her radiance of beauty and her freshness from her youth, not knowing what to do, where to go but only awaiting another hustle.  When the cars pass her by she greets them with a lovely smile and a friendly wave that motions them to come not knowing who will be the one to turn that corner and pick her up.  Once this lovely girl enters this perpetrator’s car only guessing, will she return, leading her to believe that he’s found his prey in her.  It’s a lonely world out there when you have nobody to trust, that little girl is me as I once was a piece of meat to the animals that prowled the streets.

It’s a wonder that I am as blessed as I am to still have the mentality I have, the strength to wanna keep going.  The wisdom to teach those who don’t know better, the desire to reach somebody that’s out there on the streets, the courage to wanna do better and the passion to touch a soul out there.

I’ve managed to make these revolving gates by being a repeat offender, since 1991.  I’m not bragging or proud of this but only speaking the truth about it.  I honestly don’t see a rehabilitation within these gates cause what the world don’t know or see we is inmates.  Offenders, convicts, a woman labeled as a menace to society gets the chance to witness all that’s hidden to the silent eyes, meaning those eyes that the system don’t allow ya to know!  It comes from within yourself, the rehabilitation that is.  When you allow yourself to get rid of the past, the trash, the trauma, the abuse, the humiliation that’s caused you to be locked, chained and afraid to reach out for something better and want a better life.

I’m tired of living a lie, pretending to be happy!  When you become so sick and tired of what you are then you’ll become something better ladies.  It’s not fun when you have nobody inside these gates or outside these gates that’s there for you mentally, spiritually or financially and that’s when you learn to become ok with yourself.  You learn yourself, love yourself, respect yourself and have pride in yourself instead of the woman that you thought you was as you put on your mask upon entering this cold, cruel world as you leave from behind those closed doors.

I have very little time left here at Dr. Eddie Warrior’s Correctional Center located in Taft, OK 74463.  My name is Rene McCullough DOC#181698 and I’ve managed to find myself within these gates this past 3 ½ years.  I’ve been gone but upon leaving this yard I’m taking a woman that’s so strong, so beautiful, so bold!  A lady with respect who stands tall with her head up and can’t wait to fight the word that’s waiting to test me once again.

I’m in search of a mentor that will help me, guide me and point me into the right direction that will help anybody who is wanting to get off the streets as well as drugs.  I will become an advocate for women on the streets, women who suffer with mental health issues within the system because if only these walls could talk they would talk a lot, but they can’t.  Therefore I’m going to speak and become the voice for these concrete walls.  I’m wanting to and going to speak out, reach out and help out the ladies who can’t help themselves!  God bless you all and pray that somebody contacts me that’s willing to help me become an advocate for us ladies!!!!

Thank you,

Rene McCullough

Episode 48 Another Month

ANOTHER MONTH 10/01/17

When you’re doing time, it either flies or drags….I’m glad this day is over, I’m ready to conquer another week.  To all the readers and responders I am grateful and I hope that I will be on the same view side soon.  I’ve been a bucket of tears this evening.  The one person I have riding for me is getting sketchy and in a place like this solid dependability means everything.  The small things mean the world, all the other stuff like letters, pictures, visits and money is like an orphan child’s Christmas.  What I wouldn’t do for that kind of dinner right now.  Even a bean pie beats what they have been serving here lately.

I know I’m DOC owned right now but a pen-pal would be awesome!!!  If I have interest hit me up!!!!  Pictures suck here so if you’re looking on the website that ain’t the me I see.  Woolsey really is pretty even if she’s a 447983

I’m going to dedicate some time to rounding up all the posts tomorrow.

Joke: A 3 legged dog walked into the saloon and said “I’m lookin for the man that shot my paw”

I may be trapped but it’s just temporary, DOC can’t keep me because butterflies are free and I’m never alone because Jesus Loves Outlaws.

Episode 47 I Hate Pepper Spray

I Hate Pepper Spray

“I hate pepper spray”… this is what I hear as I am being unshackled from my feet and wrists and being put in a shower with bars for a door and being forced to strip naked for a red-headed overweight guard with tattoos and piercings.  In the background I swear I can see the male guard looking at me from around the corner…doesn’t matter.  For the last 4 years I can’t count the number of people who have seen all my goodies.  What’s left to hold sacred?  I am back in prison, not that I have ever left…it’s been a long journey for me and I’m back on a minimum yard from lower security.  Today it occurred to me just how absurd this underground world of the women’s penitentiary is and I decide to document it for all those who’ve never lit up a blunt and said FTP! Or maybe for the men locked up right beside us ladies living in a completely separate universe and experiencing 2 different incarcerations all together.  This place is whack, welcome to my world!!

I continue to hear moaning from the shower cell next to me and some random words here and there “fuck”, “oooh”, “why” probably all the things I’d be saying if I ever get pepper sprayed but let’s hope I can stray out of the line of fire.  I only have around 9 more months of hell.  The only time I’ve ever been pepper sprayed was in a bar parking lot when my bf’s dad bombed me out his truck window when I tried to grab his mouthy little daughter out so she could eat concrete.  What grown man carries pepper spray???  I spent 9 months in maximum security and never witnessed anyone bet bombed, I wonder what this chick has done to get pepper sprayed??  I hit the button on that makes the water spray out in a line that is as thin as a pencil in 20 second intervals.  I pray that it is at least warm.  Success, there is warmth.  One thing has went my way today.  I grab the tiny bar of soap and wash an arm, hit the button again, one tittie and hit the button again, other tittie and so on until my entire body has been washed.  There’s a single blade razor the size of my thumb I pick up and attempt to shave an armpit with for about 5 minutes before I give up on that completely.  Lastly, I open the cap on the tiny yellow shampoo that smells like crayons and I wash my hair.  All the laundry in the penitentiary smells like heat.  There is no other way to describe it.  Like an iron has been left on clothes for too long.  So I dry off with a towel that feels like cardboard and smells like heat and put on an orange jumpsuit over a sports bra, tinged brown from so many bodies running through it and panties stained brownish-black in the crotch.  I probably would have opted out of the panties if I didn’t have a few select items shoved up in there I wasn’t too keen on losing just yet.  I sit in the plastic garden chair in the shower cell and attempt to comb out my long hair with a small black flimsy comb…this takes about 10 minutes.  Eventually I see a dark face peek through the bars across from me in the adjacent shower cell and I say “oh, are you waiting on me?”  In true stuck-up-bitch fashion, I kick a leg upon the bars and kick back in my chair and just stare at this mother fucker.  Damn it’s going to be a long ride….

#prettyinink

Episode 46 Overwhelmed By Attachment

10/04/2017

When I was in prison I had the time to become detached from a lot of the issues that arise as an American female.  I was able to quiet outside noise so that I could listen to myself and find my center.  The longer that I’m out the less centered I feel and the less in touch with myself that I feel.  My biggest fear is that this will go on too long and I will be unable to re-center myself and all “aha moments” will be lost because of the attachment I have to habit-forming situations.  I already find myself overwhelmed by jealousy and resentment and those are two things I was completely free from for a long time.  Those 2 emotions are heavy and I know that they cloud my judgement and create conflict in my relationships with family and friends.  I keep saying that I will mediate and that I will work out but I continually put it off for more time on social media staring blankly at my phone screen.  Why is it so difficult to do things that I know will make me feel better instead of doing mindless activities that feign detachment but in reality compound the issues I have regarding jealousy and attachment???  I am aware that I need to fix these issues within myself before I pull away from people and shut myself down, I know that I do not want to lose the progress that I have made and I am worth saving.  Once my schedule is back to 8-5 it will be easier to make a time to work out, I just need to journal and hold on until then and remember that resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.  It’s unnecessary and only hurts me!!

Episode 45 I’m Not Kevin Gates, I Have 2 Jobs and I’m Tired AF

I’m Not Kevin Gates, I have 2 jobs and I’m Tired AF

 

I am reminded on the daily the importance of humility, working manual labor at a private university allows this in my life.  I know that the me before prison would not have been able to work at a place where I clean windows, bathrooms, floors and move things for a bunch of privileged teenagers.  I know the me before prison would have been too prideful to make money that way and I know that my thinking was so distorted that selling dope and women seemed like the logical answer to my monetary problems.  I get frustrated that I make so little money sometimes and I feel triggered to go back to my old life but I remember that I had false pride in the way I made money before, I realize now that working $9/hr at 27 hours a week gives me a lot more pride than running around like an immature gangster.  I do get discouraged sometimes when I think about the fact that I’m 33 and have nothing to show for the life that I spent so many years “building” for myself, I live with my mom, I don’t have a license or a vehicle, I didn’t finish college and I’m in debt unable to get credit anywhere but the street.  A late start is better than no start at all and working with the universe instead of against the universe will probably be more efficient in trying to make up for lost time.  I know the old me would resent the kids that go to college where I work but the new me is happy to see so many people able to better themselves and the ambition it takes to be in the real world.  I realize now that that is why I am happy for them, I see that there is a reason to do right and have ambition in the real world.  The old me gave up on the real world because I thought it was too hard so I took short cuts and became a criminal in a game that people play when they don’t want to grow up and play the actual game of life.  I admire the college kids because in a sense I am at the same stage in my life even though I am 33.  I finally decided to be ambitious in the real world and plan on going back to school as well as start a new job at a car dealership as a warranty clerk.  This world is so much more rewarding than the game world and I’m ready to play the actual game of life.

Episode 44 Good Friday

04/14/17

Today is Good Friday and I saw my friends in an Easter play called “Thy Kingdom Come, Thy Will Be Done” about the crucifixion and the resurrection.  I see the appeal of Christianity although I continually feel like the point is missed.  I feel like symbolically we all have to end our childish thinking to grow up and accept responsiblity for our actions and in this way Jesus Christ is an archetype that is activated inside of us inspiring us toward action.  When the story gets taken literally and dogmatically followed the symbolism becomes literal and the point is lost in lieu of the detail that I feel is less important than the morality of the metaphor of metamorphosis into self-realization AKA individuation into your higher self.  The obsessive focus on the violence leading up to the crucifixion is overly romanticized in my opinion.  The humility it takes to kill the ego and realize your higher self is the lesson I take from that story, not the minutia regarding the archetypal figure specific to Jesus Christ since every demigod possesses the same qualities and it’s the later version of Buddha, Hercules Etc. I also tend to miss the trees for the forest and Jesus Christ happens to be one of those trees.  I had read something pertaining to the mark of a mature person being dedication to a cause and the mark of an immature person being dying for a cause (martyrdom) and it seems to me that being stuck on that part of the archetypal story just shows how many people have yet to grow up.

 

Episode 44 Almost There

03/15/2017

This is a journal entry from when I was still in prison and the picture was from Halloween years ago, I didn’t get on one and turn crazy I promise.

Everytime I read some twisted shit it feels like my world stops spinning for a moment and I’m about to wake up from a dream and realize the world I’m in is one where I’m held captive against my will.  Bound and tortured in my own shit and piss with my veins exposed twitching on their own but only as a response that’s involuntary because the pain I am feeling is so unbearable that my brain has gone into shock and turned it off.

Flooding my body with dopamine and adrenaline, if I am alive it’s only because my brain isn’t completely dead, somehow my body is being kept alive but I’m not sure why?  Who is sick enough to keep me in this undignified condition?  Why not just put a bullet in my temple or slice a blade through my carotid artery?  That would be quick and painless, although I don’t feel the pain now…

Why would anyone keep me alive to endure this degrading existence?  Why any time that I read about destructive forces, drugs, torture do I feel like there’s another existence on the tip of my tongue that if I could just remember, would unlock everything and make it all come together?  It would make more sense than the world that I’m living in now…

Why does pain, blood, torture, exposed nerves and tainted organs seem so much more plausible than the reality I’m in now?  It seems scary but true, I’m not necessarily considering this reality because I prefer it but it seems more realistic than the reality I’m in now.  Just one more clue and I’ve got it….Give me the last piece of this puzzle……I need it to all make sense…..

Episode 43 Charge It To The Game

08/28/17

They say that relapse is part of recovery but it’s still a bitch!  My life got difficult and I didn’t want to cope anymore or didn’t have the skills to cope in the first place, not sure if it’s laziness or lack of tools.  I had said previously that when I was in prison I was building my coping skills in a vacuum, there are so many more stressors in the real world!!  My fuck it factor kicked in and I decided to get high, the problem with that was it no longer made the pain go away.  Everything I tried to escape from rushed to the forefront of my brain, flooding my mind with thoughts of “How am I going to go to work like this?”, “What if I lose my ass?”, “Will my grandma know?”: paranoia was kicking in and I was stuck in my own head which is not a pretty place to be.  I tried doing some of the things that I enjoyed doing high like coloring, writing, Facebook but my hands were too shaky to write or draw and on my Facebook were constant reminders of people I had let down.  I had a lot of stressors come into my life at once that made me doubt myself but none of them were caused by me being a bad person or doing anyone harm.  I feel like before I needed an escape from myself because I didn’t like the person I was or the destructive things that I was doing. Since I found myself and I like who I am being high only cuts me off from that and I lose my center becoming paranoid and stressed out.  It was an insightful lesson and hopefully one I don’t have to learn again.  So here I am back in Bartlesville getting ready to start my job back at Wesleyan University and charging the last round to the game.

Episode 42 To Be Free or Not To Be Free

08/23/17

I know that I haven’t posted a blog in awhile and that is partially due to personal struggle with reintegration and partially to working full time at Dillard’s.

It’s amazing to be able to do so much to better myself after release but I’m still reminiscent of the times I had in prison.  What I wouldn’t give to play spades with Amy, Currie and Rachel or walk the oval with Selina or go to step aerobics with cry baby ass Krystle.  I realize it’s the people and experiences that I miss and not actually the prison itself and I know that going back there wouldn’t necessarily recreate the friends and experiences that I had.  Since I know that living in anything but the present isn’t real, why am I so hung up on it?  Why do I feel like it’s the answer when I can’t cope out here?  Maybe it’s structure and like minded people that I need and not a fenced in institution.  Feeling like I belong in the real world is something that I’m still working on.  I don’t know if I will ever fully feel accepted in it but I do know I can’t let my friends and family down and go back.

My solution is to try harder at getting a support group together for people just out of prison trying to cope with the real world.

Good night and have a wonderful NON Eddie Warrior day!!!!!

Episode 42 To Be Free or Not To Be Free

08/23/17

I know that I haven’t posted a blog in awhile and that is partially due to personal struggle with reintegration and partially to working full time at Dillard’s.

It’s amazing to be able to do so much to better myself after release but I’m still reminiscent of the times I had in prison.  What I wouldn’t give to play spades with Amy, Currie and Rachel or walk the oval with Selina or go to step aerobics with cry baby ass Krystle.  I realize it’s the people and experiences that I miss and not actually the prison itself and I know that going back there wouldn’t necessarily recreate the friends and experiences that I had.  Since I know that living in anything but the present isn’t real, why am I so hung up on it?  Why do I feel like it’s the answer when I can’t cope out here?  Maybe it’s structure and like minded people that I need and not a fenced in institution.  Feeling like I belong in the real world is something that I’m still working on.  I don’t know if I will ever fully feel accepted in it but I do know I can’t let my friends and family down and go back.

My solution is to try harder at getting a support group together for people just out of prison trying to cope with the real world.

Good night and have a wonderful NON Eddie Warrior day!!!!!